Hello hello! I plucked this out of the green room because I love dramatic/realistic stuff! I also saw your note at the end before I started reading, and I will do my best to oblige and not repeat too much of what the reviewer below me has pointed out
Oakley was woken up the next morning by the sound of busy traffic outside her window, impatient business men and women honking their horns at drivers in front of them.
This is one of my favorite articles for cleaning up prose. I've used this so much on novels and have cut out thousands of unnecessary words. Here, you don't need "the sound", because simply describing the sound and knowing that it woke her up will let the reader know it's a sound. "busy traffic" and then describing said busy traffic is redundant and the description of the sound is better. So, you could condense this sentence all the way down to "Oakley was woken up the next morning by impatient business men and women honking their horns at the drivers in front of them". Same idea, but more concise
Her eyes felt as if they had been glued shut, that every opening of her eyelids was a workout rather than effortlessly blinking.
Try to do this sentence without "felt". This is also mentioned in the article I linked above. It's stronger to simply describe what she's feeling rather than to say she feels something and then describe what she's feeling. (And it's hard! This is something I'm constantly having to edit in my own writing!)
Her face brightened a little, but her expression looked a little off. As if she was attending her best friend's wedding, though the groom was her ex fiance.
The second sentence is a fragment. I think it could be fixed one of two ways - "Almost as if she..." OR combining it with the sentence before it - "...looked a little off as if she was". If you went with the second option, the sentence would become a little long and convoluted and you might want to trim it down. "though the groom was her ex fiance" is confusing to me, and this might be something to cut out or condense or rework.
she would definitely upset her.
Something to be careful of when you have two people of the same gender speaking - being very clear with pronouns. "Her" is ambiguous, it could refer to Oakley or the aunt. I'm 99% sure you're referring to the aunt, and really all you have to is say "her aunt" instead of just "her" to make it crystal clear
Especially since today marked the third year anniversary of the accident...
Ellipses are a pet peeve of mine in novels. I actually rarely (maybe never) see them in published novels. I don't think they're necessary and I think you get the wanted drama with a normal sentence.
She reached up into the cupboard to grab a plastic cup, "I don't think I've
Dialogue grammar rules always trip me up! I'm 98% sure you need a period instead of a comma after "cup".
I thought Anna got everything sorted out at the library..?"
Which is it going to be? Period? Ellipses? Question? Pick one (but probably not the ellipses :p)
She grabbed new jug of milk from the fridge.
I think I would start a new paragraph here because you've gone from dialogue to action that has nothing to do with the dialogue. It also wouldn't hurt to specify "Oakley" to start the paragraph rather than "she" to make it crystal clear who is performing this action.
She turned to stare at her aunt, "You got fired
Same as before, period instead of a comma.
It was then that she noticed the dark circles around Laura's eyes, the pink puffiness of her nose and the pale tone of her face.
"noticing" falls into the same category has hearing and feeling like I mentioned above with that article.
"Last night. Colin said that he needed someone that could always be on their feet, and he noticed that around... this time of year... I tend to get a little sloppy. But, 'cakes can't be sloppy, Laura.'" She shrugged.
The only time I think ellipses work in prose is in dialogue to show natural long breaks. So even though I've been anti ellipse until now, the ones here in the dialogue work for me just fine!
She sat down with the woman,
You can get way more specific here. This isn't just a woman, it's her aunt. "Oakley sat down with her aunt..."
"having a bit of troubles
"Having" is a new sentence and should be capitalized.
a child that just got told the ice cream store is closed, "I'm looking for a new job.
Period instead of a comma. You have a full sentence before you go into the dialogue.
She gave a sympathetic smile, "It will be better, a lot better.
Specify the "she". Period instead of a comma here, too. One rule I read somewhere in terms of action with dialogue and when to use a period or a comma that has helped me is - if the action can be performed while the dialogue is being said (shaking your head, drumming fingers, pacing, etc.) then there can be a comma. If the action cannot be performed while the dialogue is being said (smiling, breathing, swallowing, etc.) then there should be a period because that action has to end before the dialogue can happen.
"Fine," Oakley sighed, standing from her seat, "But I'm still going
Refer to explanation above
"Fine." Oakley stood from her seat and sighed. "But I'm still going..."
She quickly wrote a message back to let her know
Specify the "her".
soaping her hair in the sink and running leave-in conditioner through it with her fingers.
Does she rinse her hair after the soaping?
still a bit damp from her hair dryer.
When did she use a hair dryer? The only thing mentioned is that she towel dries her hair.
She wondered that if she knew how to
"She wondered that" isn't necessary because you're going to tell us what she wonders and we don't need to know that she's wondering first
"Well," Oakley laughed, "I'll just leave her alone then.
Periods instead of commas (see note above)
Overall, I think your writing is pretty good. You get the point across and really nothing I pointed out was would take away from the meaning or the idea of the story. It's all nit-picky stuff that will make your writing more mature! Since you said you're only looking for sentence level stuff I won't comment on any big picture things, but if you would like any big picture thoughts I would happy to go back and do that for you as well!
Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing, and let me know if there is something I didn't mention that you would like feedback on!
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