Young Writers Society

Hello there, Bailey!
Considering the reviewer before me left quite a lengthy and detailed review, I don't think I'll be taking much of your time today.

This. Was interesting.
I have to say I wasn't a huge fan of all that action being a dream, though it had been true. At one point. But it was entertaining, and I am very curious as to what kind of story you're making here.

Quite a few things here confused me, however, so I'll be going over them with you.
And commenting in a few places, if you don't mind.

A bump in the road caused Oakley to be flung forward and forced to look up from her engaging hardcover novel. Her hair got caught in her eyes, and she winced.
"Sorry!" Aunt Laura said. "I didn't see that pothole."
"Well, it was right in the middle of the road, Mom." Ben laughed from the passenger seat, "How could you not have seen it?"
Laura shrugged and ignored her son's comment. "How are the bags doing back there, Oaks? Nothing is squished?" The car bounced a little as they drove onto a narrow, although long, two lane bridge.
Oakley tore her mind from her book, and pulled herself back to reality, checking their grocery bags to make sure the bread hadn't been flattened.

Okay. Only reason I copied and pasted all of that was to show you all the dialogue and mild action that happened after Oakley was jarred out of her reading. You don't mention her resuming her reading, yet that last sentence in red says she was obviously still engrossed in it. ?

"Oh good," her aunt sighed in relief, relaxing her hands on the wheel. Why was she so tense?

That's tense? My mom always freaks out about the bread being squished when we drive home from the grocery store, but I would never describe her mannerism as "tense". It's just like Aunt Laura's was here.

He teased her with a punch that sounded as if it were painful and giggled, "Don't call me that, Ma. I'm not seven years old."

Well, that certainly makes him sound as if he were seven. xD How old is this kid, anyway? I don't think you ever said.
Also: ouch. You're not supposed to "hear" a playful punch. Why didn't Aunt Laura yelp or anything? (okay. She did smile "with no emotion" - something is very wrong here)

Her aunt smiled, but it was a smile that seemed to have no emotion. She turned her attention back to the road, as the vehicle swerved into the opposite lane. She watched in horror. Ben was leaning over his mother, his hands at the wheel, but he wouldn't purposely drive the car over to the other lane, would he? His hands were fumbling at the steering wheel, and Oakley realized he was trying to turn them back to the proper lane. That must have been what he was doing.

A lot can be said about this chunk of words. First off, you're talking about Aunt Laura, and Aunt Laura -or Oakley?- turns her attention back to the road? As the vehicle swerves into the opposite lane? She's the driver! How did she not prevent that? Then, there's what I highlighted in red. Who watched in horror? Laura or Oakley? You were literally just talking about Laura, but this would be a perspective change if it [I]was[I] her, so you'll need to clarify who this is.

The vehicle was met face to face by an oncoming truck, and swerved to the left, bounding off of the bridge. Oakley felt the book slip from her hard grip, and her stomach dropped, a feeling similar to being a passenger on a descending airplane.
She had no time to scream, just time to gasp, watching the dark water below come closer and closer to the windshield.

Woah, woah, woah. I had no idea they were even on a bridge, and now they're flying off of it. How tall is this bridge, anyway?
I felt as if you could have described the action and emotion of this moment better. You mention Oakley gasped, but is that it? What was she thinking? Exactly what thoughts were going through her head? Was her aunt screaming? What was Ben's reaction? I don't have enough details to make a connection with them all here.

The rest seemed like a blur, the door was open and she poured out of it. Her aunt fought to drag herself out of the flooded vehicle.
She looked back, only seeing water, no evidence of Ben inside the car. She noticed a sea animal's silhouette swimming away, avoiding the scene of the crash.

But just a second ago, her aunt was questioning if Ben was alright. Now she's just taking off without him? And Oakley noticed no evidence of Ben inside the car. Why wasn't she freaking out, wondering where he was? What kind of sea animal did she see swimming away, anyway? Wouldn't that give her a little sense of panic? She sees a sea animal, but no Ben. Now I get the idea Ben's... different. But still. He just up and disappeared and no mention was made of him again. Not even when Oakley awoke. Wasn't she curious? Just a little?


Overall, I think this could use some work, but your plot is intriguing. Where will you go with this? I wonder. As far as character goes, I feel a bit lost on Oakley. I have no idea on what she looks like, how old she is, what her personality is, or any other characteristics. You put us right into the action with this story, so I get that maybe it was difficult to add those important parts, but it still is possible. For example, when you mentioned her hair, you could have casually what color it was, what texture (like I got all this frizzy black hair because of these Mexican genes from my mother *sigh*). Just little pieces like that, those small details make a huge difference for me. And I'm sure a lot of other people. I know this is only the first chapter, so I won't be real pushy, but I just can't make a connection with her right now. I feel as if I don't know her.

This review wasn't that long, was it? I hope you found it helpful in some way. :/
And if you got any questions or comments about anything I said, do let me know!
Have a great day, and keep up the writing.

Hi, Bailey Matwiiw! I'm Pan and I'll be frying up a quick review for you today.

I've read the revised version of the prologue so I'm up to date with the story. You've got a nice, clear style of writing and a good grasp of grammar, which makes the chapter pleasant to read. I can't say much for the story yet because I still know so little about the direction, but I like that you're raising a lot of questions and keeping information close to your chest, because that's a good way to draw readers in.

Anyhow, onto the review. I'll work through the piece chronologically and then close with some overall comments.

Nitpicks

A bump in the road caused Oakley to be flung forward and forced to look up from her engaging hardcover novel.

1) 'Caused Oakley to be flung forward' is a needlessly lengthy expression and it's at odds with the suddenness of what's happening. If you just said 'A bump in the road flung Oakley forwards' it would be much more direct.

2) Avoid unnecessary description. For the purposes of what's happening, we don't need to know that the novel is engaging, and we especially don't need to know it's a hardcover.

Her hair got caught in her eyes, and she winced.

I think you should delete this line. It's not that necessary, I think it makes Laura's apology feel less instant than it should, if you get what I mean. Compare this:

A bump in the road flung Oakley forwards and forced to look up from her novel. Her hair got caught in her eyes, and she winced.

"Sorry!" Aunt Laura said. "I didn't see that pothole."

With this:

A bump in the road flung Oakley forwards and forced to look up from her novel.

"Sorry!" Aunt Laura said. "I didn't see that pothole."

It's a very subtle difference, but in the latter quote, it feels more like Laura's apology comes straight after they've hit the pothole. In the former, it's almost like she misses a beat while Oakley gets hair caught in her eyes. Like I say, it's a subtle difference, so it's completely up to you whether you want to change it.

"Well, it was right in the middle of the road, Mom." Ben laughed from the passenger seat, "How could you not have seen it?"

1) Tiny punctuation errors. I think the full stop (period? That's what Americans call them, right?) after 'Mom' should be a comma and the comma after 'seat' should be a full stop.

2) I think you said to a reviewer on the previous version that you wanted to keep the 'well' in this line because it fit Ben's personality, but I do agree with the reviewer that it feels a bit weird to read. In my mind, it offsets the rhythm, but it's still up to you if you keep it.

3) I might also consider rejigging the dialogue a little, because I feel like having the dialogue tag where it is makes it feel like there's an unnatural pause in the middle of him speaking. If you had:

"It was right in the middle of the road, Mom. How could you not have seen it?" Ben laughed from the passenger seat.

To me, that flows a bit more naturally. Still, these are all quite subjective points, so it's up to you whether you follow them.

The car bounced a little as they drove onto a narrow, although long, two lane bridge.

Again, unnecessary description. I feel like you could get away with 'narrow two lane bridge' but definitely scrap the 'although long' bit. The length isn't particularly relevant.

"Oh good," her aunt sighed in relief, relaxing her hands on the wheel.

We can tell she's relieved from the context; there's no need to clarify it.

He teased her with a punch that sounded as if it were painful and giggled

Rather than saying what the purpose of the action is (in this instance, teasing) just describe the action and trust the reader to understand the purpose from the context. If you said something like:

He punched her playfully on the arm, giggling

We could guess that he was being teasing. Resist the urge to clarify, because it often just makes the reader feel like they're being spoon-fed.

Her aunt smiled, but it was a smile that seemed to have no emotion. She turned her attention back to the road, as the vehicle swerved into the opposite lane. She watched in horror. Ben was leaning over his mother, his hands at the wheel, but he wouldn't purposely drive the car over to the other lane, would he? His hands were fumbling at the steering wheel, and Oakley realized he was trying to turn them back to the proper lane. That must have been what he was doing.

This whole section is jarring. The transition from normality to peril is too slack, so it's a bit of a 'wait, what?' moment. I had to read it two or three times before I realised what was going on, though I'm still not fully clear on it. Did Ben grab the wheel and throw the car off course?

Either way, pace the transition better. Perhaps Oakley could turn back to her book, then jolt to attention when the car swings to the side. Perhaps she hears the aunt shouting and sees Ben's hands on the wheel, then the truck coming nearer, etc. However it happens, try to show it in stages, because that will allow the reader to adjust.

Oakley felt the book slip from her hard grip

Time to talk about filter words! Filter words are words like 'felt', 'realised', 'saw', 'heard', 'noticed', etc. They can be key in clarifying who is doing what, but they can also act as a barrier between the reader and the action, because they sort of remind us that the events of the story are happening to someone else. Contrast 'she felt a hand grab her arm' to 'a hand grabbed her arm'. The second is more direct, right? So if you rephrased the line like this:

The book slipped from Oakley's hard grip

It would sound better, wouldn't it? Keep an eye out for filter words when you write. They're not the devil and can be perfectly acceptable in the right context, but it's always good to scrutinise them and ask yourself how a line would sound without them.

a feeling similar to being a passenger on a descending airplane.

This is an example of what I'd call accurate but inappropriate description. 'Passenger on a descending airplane' is formal and neatly phrased. Bearing in mind that Oakley is plunging off a bridge and possibly inches from death, it strikes me as strange that she's composed enough to draw such well-phrased comparisons.

When writing stressful, action-packed situations, always try to keep the character's mental state in mind. It's hard to think clearly or sensibly when you're terrified. Reflect that in the description.

watching the dark water below come closer and closer to the windshield

Now I get to talk about verbs! Forget adjectives; verbs can be as evocative as any descriptor if you know how to use them right. Compare:

The rain pattered against the window.

The rain spat against the window.

The wind lashed against the window.

You can change an image simply by changing the verb. They carry a lot of meaning with them, which is why it's crucial to choose one that does justice to the scene. 'Come' is a blank verb. If the water is coming closer, I only get a sense of lessening distance. However, if the water looms closer, or the water swallows the view through the windshield, the water itself is personified as something malevolent and threatening.

Always think about verbs. Don't just choose one that gets the job done, choose one that fits the mood of the scene and makes the image into something bigger than itself.

Water pooled into the car, cold and cold and colder on her toes, her ankles, her shins. It was rising. Fast.

"Laura!" She screamed.

1) I feel like you miss a trick by not talking about the impact. A car hitting the water - that's going to be quite a moment. What does it sound like? Feel like? Describe that, then you can have the sentence about the water pooling into the car (which is a good sentence, by the way. The structure of it really adds to the suspense).

2) Tiny nitpick on the dialogue. 'She' shouldn't be capitalised.

She cursed herself for deciding to wear shorts that day.

Delete this. If I was in a sinking car and potentially minutes from death, I doubt I'd be thinking about my clothing choices.

The rest seemed like a blur

I'd substitute 'seemed like' for 'was'. 'Seem' can be such a tenuous nothing verb.

It was all very real, reminding her of the accident that nearly killed her alongside her aunt.

This feels too expository. We don't need it. I think a simple 'it was real' would work fine.

Overall Thoughts

It's a good piece overall. It's just the usuals you need to look out for - stronger verbs, less filter words, sensory description. Part of me thinks that not enough happens in this for it to be a chapter in its own right, because when you get down to it it really is just Oakley having a dream and then waking up. However, I suppose it depends on the structure of your novel. If most of your chapters have this short, snapshot feel then that's fair enough.

In regards to the car crash, it's worth noting that when a car lands in water, you should open the doors as soon as possible, before the car is submerged. Vehicles sink incredibly quickly, and if you don't open the door straight away then the sheer weight of the water against the outside makes it incredibly difficult to open the door until you reach the bottom of the river. So perhaps consider making some changes to the speed at which they get the door open, for the sake of realism. Keep it in mind, anyhow.

I hope this helped! I know I can be quite harsh and very pedantic, but I always think it's better to be thorough. I'm intrigued to see where the story goes next, especially in light of all the sinister stuff with Ben. I'll follow you so I can see when you post the next instalment.

Keep writing!
~Pan