Look:
I found him in Happy Hollow, the woods that’s on the outskirts of the city. He was a little ways off the path me and my sister take to school, ‘cept Nahla was sick that day so it was just me by myself. It’s not the fastest way to get to school, but we can’t go through Northampton or else the bullies that live there will throw dirt clods at us. After I found him I took him to this old shed out there. It’s got a hole in the roof but I figured the little guy’d be safe there on account of it’s a good ways away from the Northampton houses; plus you can’t hardly see it through all the leaves and branches and stuff. His fur was real white and real soft, like snow ‘cept it wasn’t cold. It was warm and fuzzy so it made you wanna squeeze him real tight. I liked playing with his ears because they were all floppy, ‘cept when you made a weird noise, then they’d stick straight up and he’d tilt his head sideways and look at you funny. He had a long tail and sharp little baby teeth that he’d use to chew at your shoelaces if you wasn’t paying attention. I got mad at him the first time he chewed my shoelaces, so I gave him a smack on the nose. He yelped when I did that. I was gonna give him another smack but then he sorta curled up and looked at me with this real sad look. You should’ve seen him; bluest eyes you ever saw. That’s when I knew I couldn’t never hit him again.
Every morning on our way to school I told Nahla I’d catch up with her at the end of the path, so I could sneak off to the shed and feed him some breakfast. He’d always whine real loud when he heard me coming, and even louder when I left. At lunch I’d put some of my food in a napkin and hide it in my pockets to give to him on my way back. He ate everything I ate! I bet I could’ve taught him to talk too, if he’d been around long enough. It always smelled funky in that shed on account of he couldn’t get out to use the bathroom. He mostly went by the flower pots though, so it wasn’t too big a deal. On weeknights, after homework, I’d tell Mom I was gonna go hang out at my friend’s place but I was really sneaking out to the shed to let the little guy out. I figured it’d be good for him to stretch his legs. I felt bad about lying to my mom, but I figured God oughtta forgive me on account of I was doing it to help one of his creatures. Plus it wouldn’t be safe for me to try and bring him home, one of the bullies might see.
The worst bully is Chris Atkinson. I hate him. He’s in the sixth grade and he always picks on me and my sister, but mostly me. Even threw rocks at us one time when we was walking through Northampton. At school he pushes me over whenever he sees me in the hallway. He says people like us are why his dad has to spend his Christmas in some other country. I forgot what country it is, but I know I’ve never been there. Me, my mom and dad, and all my brothers and sisters was born here. But Chris doesn’t care; that’s why I hate him. But as long as I had my new friend in Happy Hollow, things didn’t seem so bad.
Nahla got wise to what I was up to. She’s almost two years younger than me but she’s still pretty smart—for a girl I mean. Last Friday she asked me if I was hiding candy somewhere in the woods on account of we’re not supposed to be eating candy this time of year. We don’t have to stop eating and drinking during the day like our older brothers and sisters do, but we can’t have anything sweet between sunrise and sunset. I told her it wasn’t no candy in the woods, then she asked me why I kept sneaking out there.
I told her it was a secret and she said: If you don’t tell me what it is, I’ll tell Mom you been sneaking out to the woods instead of going to Mamed’s house.
So I said: Fine, I’ll tell ya’, but you have to keep it secret, alright?
She said okay, so I told her about my new pet. She asked me if she could see him and I told her she’d have to wait till tomorrow on account of it was already too dark out. The next morning I told Mom that me and Nahla was gonna head over to Mamed’s house. Nahla had her little pink umbrella with the yellow polka-dots on account of it was supposed to rain that day. She balanced that crazy umbrella on her fingers while we walked, asking me all sorts of questions.
How big is he? She’d ask. What’s his name? Does he do any tricks?
I told her to just be patient; she’d see him in a minute.
I couldn’t hear no whining coming from the shed when we got there, but I figured it was just on account of the leaves. The wind was blowin’ real hard that day and it shook the leaves up so much you couldn’t hear yourself think. When the wind blows in Happy Hollow all you can hear is that rushing water sound the leaves make. We still couldn’t hear no whining, even when we was outside the door. I just figured he must’ve been shy, since I had someone else with me. I told Nahla to wait outside while I go in to check on him. The hinges on the door made that noise that gives me goose bumps all over.
Inside the shed was blood—blood and white fur. It was on the floor and the walls, and on the rusty tools hanging on the hooks. I found him in the corner, next to the flower pots. His belly was all sunken in and those great blue eyes of his was staring at the sky through the hole in the ceiling. There was a piece of paper tied around his neck, right above this big gash.
The paper said: We don’t want things like this in our neighborhood.
I heard Nahla at the door. She said: Is he in there?
I said: Don’t come in.
I went back outside. Nahla was balancing her umbrella on her fingertips.
She said: What’s wrong, Malik?
I said: Nothin’…he must’ve jus run away I guess.
She told me we oughtta go look for him, but I told her it was too dangerous, a storm was coming. I hate lying to my little sister, but I figure God oughtta forgive me on account of she’s too little to understand these sorts of things. I told Nahla to go back home and that I’d stay behind and try to find him. Nahla looked me square in the eye. I could see from the look she had that she knew somethin’ was goin’ on. I coulda’ swore she was gonna ask me what’s inside the shed, but all she said was: Okay. But be careful when you find ‘im.
I waited til I couldn’t see that polka-dotted umbrella no more before I went back into the shed. I took one of the shovels from the wall, went outside and walked over to the back of the shed where the ground’s real soft and the dirt’s real black. A cloud must’ve moved in front of the sun on account of it got real dark all of a sudden. When I looked up to the hill I could see smoke comin’ outta the chimneys from Northampton. The wind shook the leaves up till it sounded like the inside of a house that’s caught on fire. The gaps between the leaves looked like eyes. This is their neighborhood. Everything from Happy Hollow to Plymouth Road belongs to them; the school, the playground, the library, the Supermarket. It’s a nice neighborhood and it’s all theirs.
I dug into the earth.
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139,537 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey BadNarrator! I'm here to review this piece. You asked for brutal honesty, so I hope I can deliver.
Firstly, a couple of somewhat irrelevant inquiries--
I have to ask. I know you were a Purdue student and, as a life-long local and current student at Purdue, I know West Lafayette by heart. Did the name "Happy Hollow" come from West Lafayette? Although I'm willing to bet Happy Hollow is a very common name for woodlots, there is a patch of woods/park called Happy Hallow not far from Purdue's campus. I was merely curious if that was coincidence or if it inspired by the WL park.
Another question: You've done this with the title, and I notice that you do it in your posts across YWS. Why do you avoid capitalization? I'm assuming it's something about artistic expression or personal preference. I don't want to offend you, but I'm going to suggest (and I'm guessing you already know this) that if you are to be applying to graduate school, you need to be as professional as possible. I would not worry so much about this in your creative work, but I would see to it that the grammar in your applications, resumes, letters, etc. is immaculate.
Now, the review--
The title: Unless you can make a case for me that this title means something more than what it actually says, I think it's terrible. While others might have a different opinion, I think titles need to have power, titles need to reveal a little more about the story than what is actually written. I think you could get by with "Happy Hollow." It's simple, not overwhelming or melodramatic. It satisfies its purpose. However, I think you can definitely do better. Make me believe this piece is worth my time. Make me believe it's something more than some words put together to tell an unremarkable, simple story of the mundane. To show me this story's significance, the title needs to have power. It doesn't need to be over-the-top or corny (like "A Window into a Dark, Trembling Soul" -- yuck!), but I think it needs to be more significant than the mere name of the place Malik found his pet.
The story: I have very mixed feelings about this piece. My first impressions of it were that it wasn't at all a terribly strong sample of creative fiction. The awkward, innocent voice of a child as the core narration has been done before, so has the death of a pet. This piece isn't really laying anything new on the table (besides one thing, which I will get to later).
I think the childlike narration of the story makes the piece feel especially weak, and I think it's because you're doing it wrong. I know you want to stay true to a child's perspective, but you leave little-to-no description of setting and hardly a shred of emotion. I think you could do some extraordinary things with describing the setting, making it wild, bizarre, and wonderful or creepy to Malik (use colors please!). Explore a little bit. I'd rather see an attempt at describing the setting through Malik's eyes than nothing at all. Without it, the story feels a little hollow.
As for emotion, I know children don't generally have a wide, complex display of emotions, but when I read this, Malik was ice cold, except for when he said he hated Chris Atkinson and whenever he felt guilt and reflected on God's forgiveness. Liven him up! He's a child! I want him to flutter off of the page with fire, spirit, and humanity. Though the dialect (which I loved, by the way) is that of a child's, the temperament is that of a stoic, apathetic man. It isn't fitting. I think if you make Malik a little more human, this story will seriously pack a punch.
Now, although this story needs some work, it has its stars. I loved the dialect. It was something straight out of a Flannery O'Connor short story. Loved it. However, what truly struck me about this piece were the subtle hints that Malik was Muslim, and, moreover, that he was being ridiculed for it in his community. Wow! I was especially floored by the part with Chris Atkinson. I thought you handled those parts (especially through the eyes of a child) very well. I think you should build on that aspect of the story a little more. I sense it's trying to be the core of the piece, but I think some areas could use a little smoothing. Build on it. I think when you do that, you'll have a fantastic, haunting, and relevant piece of work.
I hope I was helpful in some way. Although I feel like I seemed rather negative in this review, I think this story and you as a writer have a lot of potential. If you have any questions about my comments or critiques, need some more advice after you revise it, or need another review entirely, let me know.
Best,
-H.
At the same time, though, the world is such a big, wide place to a child. When you write, you should think of what a child sees. They don't just see nothing, you know?
.
And 'cuz' sounds exactly like 'cause' when you say it out loud. It looks more like chat-speak so I found it rather irritating xD. I don't mind the double negatives so much specifically because of the dialect, but there are some instances where grammar issues do occur that wouldn't necessarily help the dialect in any way, you feel me?
I'm not saying your incorrect. Most of my statements were just personal opinions. The story as a whole, though, was interesting so I like it
Thanks for the feedback guys.
To megsug:
The "Look:" is sort of a stylistic thing. I started using it at the beginnings of my stories a little more than a year ago and now I can't begin writing a story without it.
You're correct, it's not a shortcut if it takes longer than the regular path. You've revealed a hole in my logic that I'll have to close up before I try to get this thing published. For that I commend you.
The thing about them not eating or drinking is meant to suggest the narrator's age as well as the fact that his family is Muslim. During the month of Ramadan most Muslims fast during the daytime. Young children are usually exempt from fasting.
And thanks for pointing out that misplaced comma, it irritates me to no end when I make easily avoidable mistakes like that.
To The.Dreamwalker:
While you are correct there are a lot of spelling, grammar and punctuation errors in this text the reason I chose to use them is because I was trying to write in dialect. Most of the mistakes you pointed out are indicative of the narrator's dialect; the use of double negatives, the corruption of certain words such as cuz, gonna and oughtta, as well as the use of contradicting clauses is meant to reveal the character’s age and region. Correcting those mistakes would make this character sound less like a young boy and more like a professional writer.
While I guess I can do a little bit more to describe the setting I need to tread carefully. Some readers may have a difficult time believing that a child is able to eloquently describe the world around him.
Hey there! I'm The.Dreamwalker but most people call me Dream, and I'm here today to give this very interesting piece a review.
So on with the show!
Grammar and Punctuation:
OKay, so right off the bat we have a wonky line. Before I give you ways of fixing it, what I want to say is that that first line is often the end all be all of a piece of fiction. Its that line that really attracts the reader in. Hence why I really love the use of the colon. It catches the readers eye right away so don't change that!
But, even still, the line is wonky. Change the 'that's on' to 'that are on'. Also, if you do that, you'll need to change the comma to a semicolon.
You have two 'found's in this line. That creates repetition and redundancy that is unwanted in this case. Try, when you're writing, to not use adjectives or nouns twice in a paragraph unless its a name. Even then, using 'he' or 'she' would suffice.
The double negative.... ugh. Can't hardly does not make any sense. It should be 'can hardly'.
I don't know if you're using strange grammar for a reason, but it hurts my brain! That and if you are going for strange placements in grammar, at least spell your words correctly. Cuz is not a word.
This line is wonky. The end should be reworded.
Setting and Description:
I like the fact that you use names and such for this piece and that you don't give away too much about the characters right off the bat so that we have to sort of figure it out as it goes along. That being said, I would have liked to know a little bit about the characters looks or the scenery. Description was lacking.
Plot:
This story had a plot but a strange one. Very interesting. Personally, speaking, I really liked it. Reminded me of Catcher and the Rye with how it felt and sounded. I give you a thumbs up for this section.
Character:
This is where you excelled! The narrator you have here is interesting voiced and straight to the point. I love the way he speaks (even though grammatically incorrect) and the way his thoughts are almost unemotional to a degree. Quite interesting!
Overall:
I really like this piece! What I would like to see is that same characterization whilst using a little better better grammatical correctness.
Other than that, interesting plot and character!
~The.Dreamwalker
Hey,
I loved your voice. It made the story seem like everyone could connect. To me, your voice made your story. The end made me go "aww" but I think that's what you wanted here. There were only a few things I could find, so here we go.
Okay, I found a few inconsistancies, but I think they are there on a purpose for the voicing, and I don't want to ruin that. I know this wasn't a lot of help, but really, I don't think you need much help on this. Normally, I don't like the rich people are evil deal, but this wasn't really about that even though it was. Which makes no sense, but just know I really liked this. I think you did a great job.
Keep writing.
Megsug