Yo, can you tell me whatever happened to that other 4 lettered word?
The one you heard when slow jams was playin' with the sound of birds?
That word that Mary J spilled out so many times Way back in the '90s when
music was runnin' just fine
The word that people used to speak in a sense of
feelin' butterflies
When SWV said they were feelin' weak in the knees Despite
the ever changin' parts of our minds Man, it's strange
Don't nobody think of Love
all in the same way
Now when you hear that word bein' spoke and choked out with
smoke It doesn't even feel real It doesn't matter no mo'
It's like when ya girl or man says it
They want that 3 lettered treat The one you use in the dark of a bedroom
in silky sheets
It's ashame done spoiled a young n's brain
Drove 'em insane Now love is used for that sexual thang
No more sweet hugs and kisses them better days got me missin'
They twisted up that beautiful thing now I'm reminiscin' This ain't the
same as what the Black Eyed Peas would preach This is that heart and soul
take control indelible structure of visuality Trynna reach the formality with simple
class All I'm askin' is that we try and bring the right type of lovin' back I'm not talkin'
bout that Aids factor The bed boomin' floor creakin' hat on the jimmy in my eyes doesn't matter
You ever seen House Party? 1,2, and 3 or Cooley High or Welcome Back Kotter in psychadelic
3-d? When they would tell a girl how they love 'em and she knew what he meant? And would lean
right over and plant the smooth fella with a kiss? It didn't mean take my hand sweet heart let's go upstairs Take that shirt off and I'll upzip my pants let's bump n grind all night Feelin' the heat of the affair It was completely different back then what happened now? Rappers on tv with girls in the mix ready to pull them skirts down and the girls stayin' non resistant no intermission Bein' so eazy and sleazy Cute guy well I'm givin' That's what I'm talkin' about They done switched up the love game The Jackson 5 need to show you how to refrain
Cause gettin' laid shouldn't be the only thing on ya mind Teen pregnancies STD's
is your fine Because you got on the sack and it lead to the crime Now ya 9 months in
and homeboy won't give you a dime And the worst part is the babies too And some of the
fellaz hit the road cause they don't give a damn about you All they wanted was that soft padded
meat Without the rubber bein' applied Now you're wantin' to sympathy Sorry and ya mama ain't the one to blame you wanted to change the way Love was categorized now it's your vain
I'm just sayin' look what happened to the 4 letter bee
it became the 3 letter treat of passion and demeaning ecstasy
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Yeah I'm new on this forum and still taking note on things. I've checked out other authors' poems and songs so I can get a better idea of how to add punctuation to my posts. I've been writing music since I was 8, but everytime I'd go to write down the verses on the paper, or on the computer I would never use punctuation. Not in the sense that it's not important, just because when I go to certain websites and print out lyrics from proffesional artists such as; Aaliyah, Ciara, Rihanna..etc, they have verses paragraphed WITHOUT PUNCTUATION. So I figure, "Well that's how verses are written." But I thank you guys for taking the time out to view my poem/rap and hope to continue to get the positive feedback from you! It's really helped out alot, and I know that gradually I will start to get better with it. I appreciate the fact that you don't get so harsh on me, like others have before. I'll keep up the good work, and hope you guys continue to look out for me and give me that stern but not overly harsh push and encouragement. It's much needed, because this talent I have for writing..I hide it from people in reality. Where I live, in my household, my mom could care less if I make it past high school. So I turn to music to help me deal with the frusteration, and I do what I guess any other natural born rapper/songwriter does...I share with you what's going on. Every thought I have I try to express it here and other places. I keep a couple of diaries and my little personal blog on the computer at home as well, so whenever things there get bad I can just write. So many things go on in my family between me, my mom, and 32-yr-old brother that it's not even a joke. Too much violence, and nowhere or no one I can trust to turn and talk to about the situation. So every little inspiration and positive person counts to me. But thank you guys so much!! I will be sure to return the love!!
oh wow. i REALLY liked this a lot!!!
what drew me in was when u mentioned mary j and swv (haha inside i was like ooh i love them!!) but then besides the name dropping it came down to the idea that in this day and age, love is nonexsistant.
its all about poppin' dat ass shawty and lemme hit dat from da back.....no love needed to do any of that.
i loved this because its so true. what us teens see on tv is what some of us may take out into the real world and try to mock. guys handeling girls however they want to just so they can get into their pants.
and in the end what does that leave? i love how you touched on the consequences of a no love 'realationship'.
after getting in the bed or whatever the girl is left with some responisbilitys, and usually if he didnt care about her in the first place (only what is IN DEM JEANZ), shes left alone to figure things out from there.
what are we (in general) going to do about finding love again and bringing it back to us before its too late?
i dont know, but i think if more people read your poem and realize they might get and idea
Hi there, welcome to YWS! You've made a good start with this poem; I love the rhythm, although I think you need to add a bit of punctuation to help it flow better. Before I get fully into my critique, however, I'd just like to remind you of the site rules (see HERE for more info). YWS has a 2:1 review ratio policy, which means in part that we ask new members to please leave critiques of at least two works by other authors before they post their own pieces here. That way, you get a feel for the place and you get more posting points, so that you can explore and post in other forums. So before you post any more of your poems here, we'd appreciate it if you could take a look around and comment on some of the pieces you enjoy. Thanks!
If you have any questions or need help with anything at all, feel free to PM me or one of the other mods (we're the ones in green) or instructors (purple) and we'll be happy to help you out. Look forward to seeing you around!
Cheers,
~bubbles
I'm generally not one to really like rap and that sort of stuff, but I really liked this. Not only was it well written, but the message was awesome, and scarily true. My two suggestions to make it flow better and easier to read would be add punctuation and change the spacing/where new lines begin around. The rhyming and rhythm were good I thought. One little nitpick though:
Ashame doesn't quite seem to fit here. I think you either meant a shame or ashamed, though a shame would make more sense. Other than that, awesome job!