HIV and AIDS is a serious issue this is a short tale of a of a young girl who had contracted the virus for me mother during birth. At the time she contracted it the virus was fairly new to doctor. Lee Anne had lived 17 years with the virus without visiting a doctor. In this story you would discover how important information is and how it could have prevented Kevin from becoming infected.
A Dead Lover By LaTricia Charles AKA BaByLa1989
I was a quiet, fanatical girl who always liked an adventure; I was a pretty, young woman with long dark brown hair, blue-grey eyes, average height and a light perky body. Upon knowing that I was accepted to attend my favourite college, Hilton School of Seventies Documentary and Art in Rock Islands New City, which is a two-hour air travel, a ten-minute bus drive, an hour train ride and a thirty-minute drive away from my home, I became really happy. I excitedly said to my self, “I have decided that I would have fun doing some thing I love, which is graphic designing and theatre manipulative technology (T.M.T).”
On appearance to the college grounds, I had met Drew Sandy who was an eccentric seventeen-year-old girl. We became instant friends because I had liked her blue unusual hair, it had told me that she was daring and she seemed to be her own girl, but at first, I wasn’t sure if she was violent. While walking to my room, Drew began showing me around the campus and introducing me to some of the people. She showed me Rebecca and her “mean clique” friends. She told me to stay away from her. She also had introduced me to her cousin, Andy Carter, who hated the type of music Drew listened and wrote. Andy was eighteen going on nineteen, has a common height, shoulder length light brown hair and black eyes Andy, at that present time was studying movie construction and he always had his video cam with him
wherever he went. Following the introduction of Andy, Drew and I began chatting.
“So where is your room Drew, mine is room 5683”
“My room is room 1617 but I don’t like it there much because I don’t get to play my music as I want to. My roommate is a sickening geek. What about you Lee? May I call you Lee, by the way? Do you have a roommate?”
“No I don’t have a roommate as yet, do you want to move into my room because my Dad is paying for a two bedroom mini house fully furnished and I am sure I would be lonely there. My Dad keeps saying that I have to learn to live and manage a house that’s why he did that...” After a while, the place went silent and before I knew it we were by my room door.
The following week Drew had moved in and things were going quite well. Monday morning, after my first class, while in the lunch line chatting with Drew my attention was drawn over Drew’s blue frizzled hair to a boy whom I thought was hilarious while other thought he was being silly, while giggling at the joke he told, he walked by and ask... “Drew, are you going to introduce me to your friend? Or I have to
introduce my self.”
It seemed to me like every thing he said sounded funny so I began to giggle again as Drew replied harshly in slow motion ensuring that she stressed the endings vigilantly, “Peterson, I think you have a big hole on your face you can use it and introduce your self...”
“Drew you don’t have to be so mean,” Peterson responded as he walked to the back of the line.
While about to eat, I saw Peterson coming over, my heart began racing I was trying to avoid speaking to him because Drew seemed not to like him. As I nervously glanced over the table, I realized the seat in front of me was empty. I reacted instantaneously. I placed my backpack on the vacant seat because I thought he was about to take that seat and said something that would make me laugh uncontrollable and Drew would get upset, moments after he came and said, “Is this seat taken?”
As I was about to say yes, to my surprise Drew replied, “Not anymore”
as she took up my backpack and place it on her seat and as she had departed. Peterson sat down and began introducing himself saying,
“Hey dear, Kevin Peterson is my name. My friends call me Peterson. What’s your name?”
In total shock, I sat there trying to figure out if I was dreaming. I was lost, out of it, I could not stop staring at him. I was seeing his lips moving but just couldn’t hear a word he said. Seconds after when I do realized what was happening and that he was really speaking to me I responded, “what did you say?” As he repeated him self-saying, “Kevin Peterson is my name.” He paused then said, “My friends call me Peterson. What’s your name?”
Still a bit stunned, I said “or you were speaking to me! Sorry. By the way my name is Lee-Anne Montana,” and the conversation flowed. As the days, progressed Peterson and I had gotten to know each other and had become close friends. Months after Peterson and I had decided to begin a relationship, it started off quite fine but I couldn’t stand all the other girls who hang around him. But I thought I could have dealt with that...beside he was a very popular guy in school. He was a very handsome young man and most of the girls fell for his sense of humour. Peterson, a tall dark, good looking, neatly dressed, active dude with a big bottom, and thick lips and a cute smile had impressed me.
Peterson and I were going good to a certain extent... until Rebecca thought that we shouldn’t be together and opposed me saying to me, “stay away from Peterson he belongs to me and he will always be mine.”
Well, I had gotten utterly annoyed when I heard that but I was able to clam my self I watched her then instantly reply saying “girl!” I paused and continued in the most pleasant tone of voice saying “Girl today is the wrong day damn to mess with me”. as I was about to depart Rebecca’s presence I saw Peterson so I walked over embraced him and began kissing him on his lips, after minutes of making-out I realize Rebecca and her clique stood there looking on so I whispered to Peterson, “lets take a stroll I have some thing to ask you.” We walked in the direction of my room with his arms wrapped around my waist while they looked on.
Upon arrival at my room door I asked, “Peterson what is going on with you and Rebecca.”
“What is the problem babes nothing is going on with Rebecca and I and nothing will be going on, anyway do you want to go out tonight and lime?” Feeling at ease I replied, “yea no problem.”
Upon going down stairs to meet Peterson, I met Drew and we began conversing “what’s up drew how the music is coming” I ask She replied, “The music is going fine, where are you off to all dress up”
“Out with Peterson,” I said also told her about what Rebecca apposed and said. Drew began laughing and wanted to go beat her up and the conversation went on about the topic. While conversing and walking towards the exit next to Rebecca’s room, with Drew, the sight of Peterson coming-out of Rebecca’s room stimulated Drew and I. At that moment, I began getting second thoughts about our relationship and what Rebecca was saying...
While standing there stunned by the sight Drew anxiously awaited my command to go beat Rebecca up.
There we were four of us standing in the corridor staring at each other saying nothing, after a while Drew stated, “will some body say some thing,” afterwards everyone began chatting at the same time. Then Drew said one at a time...
I addressed the matter upset, hurt and feeling to cry by saying, “I really didn’t come here for this. I am not in for playing games, Peterson and to think that I had believed you. I really wonder what else you lied to me about, have you lied when you said you cared for me? Have you lied when you say that you wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together I don’t believe you boy after you said that nothing was going on and will be going on.” As he was about to say something I interrupted him and said, “I don’t want to hear to go tell Rebecca what you have to say.”
After stating my views, I ran down the corridor and up the stairway to my room.
Whilst going to my room Peterson was running behind me saying “Lee, Lee-Anne please listen to me it’s not what you think baby please, please listen to me.” I shouted-back to him in a crying tone of voice, “I really don’t want to hear any thing from you just leave me alone.”
As I was about to go into my room, I slowed down because I had to unlock the door Peterson caught up to me and snatched the keys out of the door and he had sworn not to let me into my room until I have listen to him.
I affirmed to listen to him because I just wanted to go in my room away from all this controversy and cry my self to sleep... Upstairs talking to Peterson, I heard some one scream out and I instantly knew what it was, I said to myself, oh, oh Rebecca dead! But I was too caught up trying to negotiate for my keys.
It was said that while I was running up stairs Drew walked inside Rebecca’s room and angrily inquired, “what’s going on between you and Peterson, did you invite him here? I need some answers talk up bitch!”
Rebecca began giving Drew back talks telling her M.Y.O.B (Mind Your Own Business), and Drew slapped her across her face repeatedly until she began fighting back, but when she did, Drew had no mercy on her, Drew slammed her into the wall and continually slapped her repeatedly. To many, it seemed as though without her clique. It had been revealed that she was defenceless. After beating Rebecca senselessly, Drew had warned her to stay away from Peterson, and me. Drew also told Rebecca if she heard that Rebecca and her clique disobeyed her commands, Rebecca would pay the consequences. After the conversation Peterson and I had I have decided to forgive him The following day the news spread rapidly around the campus.
Just before going to the principal office, Drew and I saw Rebecca and told her not call our names but it was too late, she were already in the principal office. The four of us were suspended, but none of us wanted to let our parents know about the incident, so the three of us, Peterson, Drew and I decided to go on an adventurous trip and we pooled our moneys together. We had time to fool around with, since we were suspended until an investigation has been done. I was a bit scared to do this but I was up for an adventure. Then again it was close to the time when school would break for the Christmas vacation, and tests were over. All we did was called our parents and told them that class has a one week trip and money was need for accommodation.
The story had worked and my Dad had sent me twenty-five hundred dollars, Drew had gotten the same amount of money as Peterson, which was twenty hundred dollars. When the money was checked together we were short of thirty hundred dollars to have the adventure of our life. I then called my dad again and asked him for three thousand dollars more; beside my dad felt he owed me. He some how felt he was to blame for my mother’s death so he gives me anything I asks for. He some how feels felt that money would bring back my mother...
“Kyle this is Lee Anne, Lee Anne this is Kyle” Peterson had introduced his friend Kyle to me whilst we took the campus transit to classes. I stood there for a minute staring at Kyle. Kyle, to me was an attention-grabbing, assertive dude, someone I breathe my last breath for, Oh my God! I just could imagine running my hands trough his neatly braided hair lots of consideration went operating throughout my mind. How can I imagine this in relation to another person when I like Peterson? Maybe I don’t? But... he is so damn! Damn... The loud giggling of everyone in the school’s transit interrupted my thought. My whole day was twisted with thought about Kyle. Later that afternoon I went to the National Stadium to watch our school’s football team play. I am not a big fan of football but I always go to support Kevin, the captain. While at the game my attention was drawn to Kyle, I had never realized him until today I never knew he played football till this day and my thoughts went wild again...oh my Gosh he looks so damn hot in those trouser... I wonder if God had used Kevin to bring Kyle to me. And my thought went on and on throughout the whole game about Kyle
The following week things were normal and Kyle’s presence began getting scarce. It was coming closer and closer to exams and I really needed to focus on my studies.Tuesday morning as I was about to enter my examination room, Kevin shouted from down the corridor saying, “Lee Anne wait I have to talk to
you now.” I stopped! Made an about turn walked towards him, the intense tone of his voice made me suspect that something was bothering him and that he was irritated.
While walking towards him I asked, “Baby what’s the matter, what’s bothering you?” I became worried by his silence so I stated, “Please baby say something?” He watched me and said nothing.
He then began shouting at me saying, “Lee Anne save it I don’t want to hear you! I don’t believe you!” He paused, shook his head, and then continued saying, “A girl of your class shouldn’t do these kinds of things.”
As I stood there trying to figure out what he was talking about. He walked away and the words, “things not working out with us. Its over.” came out his mouth, pierced me in the heart, and made tears flow down my cheeks.
Lee Anne actually became disturbed. She did not bother to attend her examinations. She followed Kevin trying to get an answer. While on the top of the stair in the boy does dormitory building Lee Anne finally have a grip on him she started to shout at him,
“Kevin, please listen to me, and please tell me. What did I do?”
Their conversation went on in the tone that Lee Anne set. Kevin replied, “Lee Anne how could you do this to me I thought you love me. Lee Anne I don’t believe you after what you have done you stand there and pretend you don’t know what I am talking about. I don’t want to see you again!” he sobbed “Lee Anne you destroyed my life, Lee Anne you gave me...” the emotions in his voice was strong you could hear deep down that he was crying on the inside. “Lee Anne...I am,” his voice fainted and then he cleared his throat and continued saying, “I am sure it’s from you I got it from, you were the only girl I slept with. How could you do me such a thing?” I heard Kevin’s assertions.
I was most shock and in disbelief, what I had heard. “Kevin no, no Kevin that can’t take place you were the first person I had been with. How can this be? How?” I had begun crying and said to him, as he was about to slip out of my hands “Kevin please don’t go, I need you now at this moment and you need me please don’t go.”
Fourteen years ago
“Mrs. Montana, I am sorry to tell that you and your daughter was infected by the HIV virus.” “Doctor what is the HIV virus and how did I get it much less for her to get it?”
“HIV is a deadly disease”
What so you mean that she is going to die and I as well? Oh my God! How can this be possible? How, what have I done, what did I do? Take me alone leave her to live please.”
As the doctor tried to comfort Mrs. Montana, “don’t cry my dear there is still hope. What you need to do for me is when she meet a certain age that she could understand certain things in life tell her you are not going to die soon there is a lot of hope, you also needs to get your husband tested so that he would have a chance of fighting this virus.”
How am I going to do this how, how can I tell my daughter that her life is ruined because of her father and I? How will I be able to face her I don’t even know about this thing how am I supposed to tell her that she will put the ones she love at risk. How am I supposed to tell her that she cannot have a family of my own when she grows up? All these questions had run through Mrs. Montana’s mind as she sat in the doctor’s arms crying and staring at her lovely baby girl.
Moments after Doctor Nevarda got out of the chair, left the office and retuned with a lot of literature and other handouts. He also handed her a pen and a paper for her to write a letter to her daughter if she died before she had meet an age mature enough to understand the situation.
HIV was a new virus and treatment was not available. When Mrs Montana had discovered her status it he TD4 count was low, and he imune system was unable to fight for longer. Dr Nevarda had suspected that Mrs Montana would have atleast a year to live but Three months after Mrs. Montana had succumbed to her ailment, leaving behind her young baby and husband to grief.
Present Day
The following day, I saw very little of Kevin or anybody else for that matter I had missed all of my exams. I began to get depressed over the whole situation yet still I just couldn’t believe what Kevin told me was true I thought many times to go and confirm it but I was too scared everytime I thought about what the results may be I broke down in tears.
“Lee Anne, my dear what’s the matter? What have you been up to? I have not seen you around for almost two weeks now, I even thought that you don’t live here any more,” Drew said upon entering my room. She looked around and noticed that there were tissues all over the room and that my room was in a mess. She paused for a moment, after looking at LeeAnne’s Sad, disturbed, gloomy face she began questioning “what’s the matter what’s bothering you Lee Anne? Do you need some one to talk to?”
I sat there in total silence and barely uttered to Drew, “I am ok, this situation is not too much for me to handle. I just need some time alone to figure out some stuff.”
The following week Lee Anne left school to go home to spend the spring break with her Father; deep down in Lee Anne’s heart she was seeking answers, answers for the misery that came in into her life.
“Daddy, how did mommy die? What did she die from?”
“Lee Anne, my dear.” He paused. “I know that the time will come to tell you this but I didn’t know it would be so soon.”
Moments of silence...
“Baby your mommy died from HIV/AIDS”
“What? No. No. No daddy. That can’t be why? Why?” Lee Anne began crying.
“What can’t be baby? What?”
“The fact is that I am HIV positive dad!” she began pacing the floor and the tears could stop it self for flowing down her cheeks “That is what can’t be, my life was devastated from the beginning and you didn’t have the guts to tell me dad.” In a faded pitch she said, “I gave it to Kevin Peterson. Dad, he hates me for this I had destroyed someone’s life. Dad I don’t know what to do.”
I had spent the whole holiday and a school term at home before I finally had gotten the zeal and courage to begin attending school once again. I had decided that on my return I would start a group to enlighten my peers about HIV and AIDS. First, I had to plead for Kevin Peterson’s forgiveness and ask him to join and support me on my venture.
“Kevin I had done some research. What you said to me it was true and I am very, very sorry. I did not know about my situation, it was passed down to me from my mother would you please forgive me, help me find away to fight this virus. Please Kevin please...”I said with a fainted voice.
“Lee Anne I am not sure. What is going on? I do not know what to do; I don’t know what to say. I just need time, time to think things through please. Please understand me.”
“Kevin you may have time but I don’t my time is running out and at this moment I really need you Kevin. At least do it for your friends my friends our classmates please Kevin, please”
Kevin reached over, wiped the tears from running down my cheeks, and said to me, “Don’t cry time is not running out. I forgive you my love please do not cry. I am going to help you. Please don’t cry.”
Following the creation of Kevin and Lee Anne’s new group, she became really sick she had been in and out of hospital, on and off of medication but no possible combination seemed to make her feel better, actually I made her situation worst. The night of Lee Anne’s eighteenth birthday was a really sad one, lie on the hospital bed she was slowly slipping out of this world, She turned to Kevin who were stand by my bedside and said to him, “I am going and meet my mommy please promise me that you will take care of your self and that you will ensure the group goes on”
Kevin had broken down in tears and she could barely hear the words coming out of his mouth, “Lee Anne no, no don’t go please don’t go now...”
She grasped a deep breath and continued with a slight pitch. “My dear, take care, I’ll love you always and forever.”
After saying her last words, the whole place went silent.
“Nurse, nurse somebody help me please help, anybody please help me.”
By the time the nurses had gotten to Lee Anne’s bed it was too late.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hello there,
So, I was looking for something more dynamic. Something that will hit you. Something that will make you remember the story.
This was quite typical, with so many errors as Epic pointed out. You need to do some editing over here.
So, some of my main points in this. My comments in bold.
1. Research : You need to research about a diseases when you are going to write about it. You have to make sure it is infallible. Don't just buy into media etc. Do proper research. I've found NIH and CDCC websites quite useful. Some seemingly small, but important mistakes:
2.Language and grammar : Right now, you need to really work on those. Try to figure out where you are grammatically wrong. Proof read. Ask for someone's help. Read books on grammar and language. Once you get a hang of this, you can focus on sentence structure, description, emotions etc.
3. Tenses : You mess up your tenses every now and then. Be consistent.
4. POV : Point of View : You started the story in first person narrative. You mixed up with third person in the middle and switched back. Switching is fine, if you keep it consistent between characters and chapters.
5. Characters : They need more depth. Right now, they aren't described very well. Think about their likes/dislikes, their reactions, gestures, oddities etc. Build a solid person. Become their friend and then write about them.
So, in all, keep working. I read a good amount of medical fiction (and I'm a student of biotech!), so I know it can be made very well. Just keep writing!
Cheers!
Feel free to comment/question.
Hey there!
HIV/AIDS stories can be powerful. Unfortunately, I thought this was extremely typical and poorly written. I think you should go back and proof-read this. You also need to develop your characters more, I didn't feel anything for them. I didn't go on their journey with them, feel their emotions, or relate. That being said, something about this made me keep reading, so you did something right. Usually, if I dislike the beginning of a story, I just stop reading it and move on. As Whitewolfpuppy pointed out, there is not adequate spacing. I understand that you copied and pasted this, but I'd edit it correctly before posting. I made the same mistake before, and had to go back and change it.
Now on to a major issue, your grammar. (Also, I changed some of your run-on sentences by adding punctuation)
Starting with your intro.... "HIV and AIDS is a serious issue(.) (T)his is a short tale of a of a young girl who had contracted the virus (from her) mother during birth. At the time she contracted it(,) the virus was fairly new to doctors. Lee Anne had lived 17 years with the virus without visiting a doctor. In this story(,) you w(ill) discover how important information is(,) and how it could have prevented Kevin from becoming infected."
"I was a quiet, fanatical girl who always liked an adventure; I was a pretty, young woman with long dark brown hair, blue-grey eyes, average height and a light perky body. Upon knowing that I was accepted to attend my favourite college, Hilton School of Seventies Documentary and Art in Rock Islands New City, which is a two-hour air travel, a ten-minute bus drive, (and) an hour train ride and a thirty-minute drive away from my home, I became really happy. I excitedly said to my self, “I have decided that I would have fun doing some thing I love, which is graphic designing and theatre manipulative technology (T.M.T).”
On appearance to the college grounds, I had met Drew Sandy(,) who was an eccentric seventeen-year-old girl. We became instant friends because I had liked her blue unusual hair(;) it had told me that she was daring and she seemed to be her own girl(.) (A)t first, I wasn’t sure if she was violent. While walking to my room, Drew began showing me around the campus(,) and introducing me to some of the people. She showed me Rebecca and her “mean clique” friends. She told me to stay away from her. She also had introduced me to her cousin, Andy Carter, who hated the type of music Drew listened (to) and wrote. Andy was eighteen going on nineteen, has a common height, shoulder length light brown hair and black eyes(.) Andy, at that present time(,) was studying movie construction(,) and he always had his video cam with him wherever he went. Following the introduction of Andy, Drew and I began chatting.
“So where is your room Drew, mine is room 5683”
“My room is room 1617(,) but I don’t like it there much because I don’t get to play my music as I want to. My roommate is a sickening geek. What about you Lee? May I call you Lee, by the way? Do you have a roommate?”
“No(,) I don’t have a roommate as (of) yet(.)(D)o you want to move into my room(?) (M)y Dad is paying for a two bedroom mini house(,) fully furnished(,) and I am sure I would be lonely there. My Dad keeps saying that I have to learn to live and manage a house(,) that’s why he did that...” After a while, the place went silent and before I knew it(,) we were by my room door.
The following week(,) Drew had moved in and things were going quite well. Monday morning, after my first class, while in the lunch line chatting with Drew(,) my attention was drawn over Drew’s blue frizzled hair to a boy whom I thought was hilarious(,)while other(s) thought he was being silly(.) (W)hile giggling at the joke he told, he walked by and ask(ed)... “Drew, are you going to introduce me to your friend? Or I have to
introduce my self(?)”
It seemed to me like every thing he said sounded funny so I began to giggle again as Drew replied harshly(,) in slow motion ensuring that she stressed the endings vigilantly, “Peterson, I think you have a big hole on your face.(Y)ou can use it and introduce your self...”
“Drew(,) you don’t have to be so mean,” Peterson responded as he walked to the back of the line.
While about to eat, I saw Peterson coming over,(and) my heart began racing I was trying to avoid speaking to him(,) because Drew seemed not to like him. As I nervously glanced over the table, I realized the seat in front of me was empty. I reacted instantaneously. I placed my backpack on the vacant seat(;) I thought he was about to take that seat(,) and said something that would make me laugh uncontrollabl(y)(,) and Drew would get upset(.) (M)oments after(,) he came and said, “Is this seat taken?”
As I was about to say yes, to my surprise Drew replied, “Not anymore”(,)
as she took up my backpack and place(d) it on her seat as she had departed. Peterson sat down and began introducing himself saying,
“Hey dear, Kevin Peterson is my name. My friends call me Peterson. What’s your name?”
In total shock, I sat there trying to figure out if I was dreaming. I was lost, out of it, I could not stop staring at him. I was seeing his lips mov(e)(,) but (I) just couldn’t hear a word he said. Seconds after(,) when I do realize what was happening(,) and that he was really speaking to me(,) I responded(.) “(W)hat did you say?” As he repeated him self-saying, “Kevin Peterson is my name.”(,) (h)e paused(,) then said, “My friends call me Peterson. What’s your name?”
Still a bit stunned, I said “or you were speaking to me! Sorry. By the way my name is Lee-Anne Montana,” and the conversation flowed. As the days progressed(,) Peterson and I had gotten to know each other(,) and had become close friends. Months after(,) Peterson and I had decided to begin a relationship(.) (I)t started off quite fine(,) but I couldn’t stand all the other girls who hang around him. I thought I could have dealt with that...beside he was a very popular guy in school. He was a very handsome young man(,) and most of the girls fell for his sense of humour. Peterson, a tall(,) dark, good looking, neatly dressed, active dude with a big bottom, thick lips(,) and a cute smile(,) had impressed me.
Peterson and I were going good to a certain extent... until Rebecca thought that we shouldn’t be together and opposed me saying “Stay away from Peterson(,) he belongs to me(,) and he will always be mine.”
Well, I had gotten utterly annoyed when I heard that(,) but I was able to ca(l)m myself(.) I watched her(,) then instantly repl(ied) (,) saying “(F)irl!” I paused(,) and continued in the most pleasant tone of voice(,) saying “Girl(,) today is the wrong (damn day) to mess with me”. (A)s I was about to depart Rebecca’s presence(,) I saw Peterson(,) so I walked over(,) embraced him(,) and began kissing him on his lips(.) (A)fter minutes of making-out(,) I realize Rebecca and her clique stood there looking on(.) (S)o I whispered to Peterson, “lets take a stroll(,) I have some thing to ask you.” We walked in the direction of my room(,) with his arms wrapped around my waist while they looked on.
Upon arrival at my room door I asked, “Peterson(,) what is going on with you and Rebecca(?)”
“What is the problem(,) babes(,) nothing is going on with Rebecca and I(,) and nothing will be going on(.) (A)nyway(,) do you want to go out tonight and lime?” Feeling at ease(,) I replied, “yea no problem.”
Upon going down stairs to meet Peterson, I met Drew and we began conversing(.) “(W)hat’s up (D)rew(,) how('s) the music coming(?)” I ask(.) She replied, “The music is going fine, where are you off to(,) all dress(ed) up(?)”
“Out with Peterson,” I said(.) (I) also told her about what Rebecca apposed and said. Drew began laughing(,) and wanted to go beat her up(.) (T)he conversation went on about the topic. While conversing(,) and walking towards the exit next to Rebecca’s room with Drew, the sight of Peterson coming-out of Rebecca’s room stimulated (us). At that moment, I began getting second thoughts about our relationship and (thought about) what Rebecca was saying...
While standing there(,) stunned by the sight(,) Drew anxiously awaited my command to go beat Rebecca up.
There we were(,) four of us(,) standing in the corridor(,) staring at each other(,) saying nothing(.) (A)fter a while(,) Drew stated “(S)omebody say some thing(.)” (A)fterwards(,) everyone began chatting at the same time. Then Drew said (") (O)ne at a time...(.")
I addressed the matter(,) upset, hurt(,) and feeling (about) to cry(,) by saying, “I really didn’t come here for this. I am not in for playing games, Peterson(,) and to think that I had believed you. I really wonder what else you lied to me about(.) (H)ave you lied when you said you cared for me? Have you lied when you say that you wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together(?) I don’t believe you(,) boy(,) after you said that nothing was going on(,) and will be going on.” As he was about to say something(,) I interrupted him(,) and said, “I don’t want to hear (it)(.) (G)o tell Rebecca what you have to say.”
After stating my views, I ran down the corridor(,) and up the stairway to my room.
Whilst going to my room(,) Peterson was running behind me saying “Lee, Lee-Anne please listen to me(,) it’s not what you think(,) baby(,) please, please listen to me.” I shouted-back to him(,) in a crying tone of voice, “I really don’t want to hear anything from you(.)(J)ust leave me alone.”
As I was about to go into my room, I slowed down because I had to unlock the door(.) Peterson caught up to me(,) and snatched the keys out of the door(.) (H)e had sworn not to let me into my room until I ha(d) listen(ed) to him.
I affirmed to listen to him(,) because I just wanted to go in my room(,) away from all this controversy(,) and cry my self to sleep. Upstairs talking to Peterson, I heard some one scream out(,) and I instantly knew what it was(.) I said to myself, oh, oh Rebecca('s) dead! But I was too caught up trying to negotiate for my keys.
It was said that while I was running up stairs(,) Drew walked inside Rebecca’s room and angrily inquired, “what’s going on between you and Peterson, did you invite him here? I need some answers(,) talk up(,) bitch!”
Rebecca began giving Drew back talk(,) telling her(") M.Y.O.B(") (Mind Your Own Business), and Drew slapped her across her face repeatedly until she began fighting back(.)(W)hen she did, Drew had no mercy on her(.) Drew slammed her into the wall(,) and continually slapped her(.) To many, it seemed as though (she was) without her clique. It had been revealed that she was defen(s)eless. After beating Rebecca senselessly, Drew had warned her to stay away from Peterson and me. Drew also told Rebecca if she heard that Rebecca and her clique disobeyed her commands, Rebecca would pay the consequences. After the conversation(,) Peterson and I had (you didn't finish this sentence....) I ha(d) decided to forgive him(.) The following day(,) the news spread rapidly around the campus.
Just before going to the principal office, Drew and I saw Rebecca(,) and told her not call our names but it was too late, she were already in the principal office. The four of us were suspended, but none of us wanted to let our parents know about the incident, so the three of us, Peterson, Drew and I decided to go on an adventurous trip(.) (W)e pooled our money together. We had time to fool around, since we were suspended until an investigation has been done. I was a bit scared to do this(,) but I was up for an adventure. Then again(,) it was close to the time when school would break for the Christmas vacation, and tests were over. All we did was call our parents(,) and t(ell) them that class ha(d) a one week trip(,) and money was need for accommodation.
The story had worked(.) (M)y Dad had sent me twenty-five hundred dollars(.) Drew had gotten the same amount of money as Peterson, which was twenty hundred dollars. When the money was checked together(,) we were short thirty hundred dollars(.) I then called my dad again(,) and asked him for three thousand dollars more; beside(s) my dad felt he owed me. He some how felt he was to blame for my mother’s death(,) so he gives me anything I ask for. He some how feels felt that money would bring back my mother...
“Kyle(,) this is Lee Anne, Lee Anne this is Kyle(.)” Peterson had introduced his friend Kyle to me(,) whilst we took the campus transit to class. I stood there for a minute(,) staring at Kyle. Kyle, to me(,) was an attention-grabbing, assertive dude, someone I breathe my last breath for (-) Oh my God! I just could imagine running my hands trough his neatly braided hair(.) (L)ots of consideration went operating throughout my mind. How can I imagine this in relation to another person when I like Peterson? Maybe I don’t? But... he is so damn! Damn... The loud giggling of everyone in the school’s transit interrupted my thought. My whole day was twisted with thought about Kyle. Later that afternoon(,) I went to the National Stadium to watch our school’s football team play. I am not a big fan of football(,) but I always go to support Kevin, the captain. While at the game my attention was drawn to Kyle(.) I had never realized him until today(.) I never knew he played football (,)and my thoughts went wild again...oh my Gosh he looks so damn hot in those trouser(s0... I wonder if God had used Kevin to bring Kyle to me. And my thought went on and on throughout the whole game about Kyle(.)
The following week(,) things were normal and Kyle’s presence began getting scarce. It was coming closer and closer to exams(,) and I really needed to focus on my studies. Tuesday morning(,) as I was about to enter my examination room, Kevin shouted from down the corridor saying, “Lee Anne wait I have to talk toyou now.” I stopped(,)(m)ade an about turn(,) (and) walked towards him(.) (T)he intense tone of his voice made me suspect that something was bothering him(,) and that he was irritated.
While walking towards him(,) I asked, “Baby(,) what’s the matter, what’s bothering you?” I became worried by his silence so I stated, “Please baby(,) say something?” He watched me and said nothing.
He then began shouting at me saying, “Lee Anne save it I don’t want to hear you! I don’t believe you!” He paused, shook his head, and then continued saying, “A girl of your class shouldn’t do these kinds of things.”
As I stood there(,) trying to figure out what he was talking about(,) (h)e walked away(,) and the words, “things not working out with us. It(')s over.” came out his mouth, pierced me in the heart, and made tears flow down my cheeks.
(.....I think you might need something here to transition from first to third? I'm not quite sure, I have never switched p.o.v's.)
Lee Anne actually became disturbed. She did not bother to attend her examinations. She followed Kevin trying to get an answer. While on the top of the stair(s)(,) in the boy('s) dormitory building(,) Lee Anne finally ha(d) a grip on him(.) (S)he started to shout at him,
“Kevin, please listen to me, and please tell me. What did I do?”
Their conversation went on in the tone that Lee Anne set. Kevin replied, “Lee Anne(,) how could you do this to me(,) I thought you love(d) me. Lee Anne(,) I don’t believe you after what you have done(.) (Y)ou stand there(,) and pretend you don’t know what I am talking about. I don’t want to see you again!” (H)e sobbed9.) “Lee Anne(.) you destroyed my life, Lee Anne you gave me...” the emotions in his voice w(ere) strong(,) you could hear deep down that he was crying on the inside. “Lee Anne...I am,” his voice fainted(,) and then he cleared his throat and continued saying, “I am sure it’s from you I got it from, you were the only girl I slept with. How could you do me such a thing?” I heard Kevin’s assertions.
(Wait, you went from first to third to second back to first?)
I was most(ly) (in) shock and in disbelief, (of) what I had heard. “Kevin no, no Kevin that can’t take place(!) (Y)ou were the first person I had been with. How can this be? How?” I had begun crying and said to him, as he was about to slip out of my hands(,) “Kevin please don’t go, I need you now at this moment and you need me please don’t go.”
Fourteen years ago
“Mrs. Montana, I am sorry to tell that you and your daughter w(ere) infected by the HIV virus.” “Doctor(,) what is the HIV virus(,) and how did I get it(,) much less her ?"
“HIV is a deadly disease(.)”
What(,) you mean that she is going to die(,) and I as well? Oh my God! How can this be possible? How, what have I done, what did I do? Take me(,) leave her to live(,) please.”
(T)he doctor tried to comfort Mrs. Montana, “don’t cry(,) my dear(,) there is still hope. What you need to do for me is when she (reaches) a certain age(,) she (sh)ould understand certain things(.) (T)ell her you are not going to die soon(,) there is a lot of hope, (and) you need to get your husband tested(,) so that he (c)ould have a chance of fighting this virus.”
How am I going to do this(,) how, how can I tell my daughter that her life is ruined because of her father and I? How will I be able to face her(,) I don’t even know about this thing(,) how am I supposed to tell her that she will put the ones she love at risk(?) How am I supposed to tell her that she cannot have a family of (her) own when she grows up? All these questions had run through Mrs. Montana’s mind as she sat in the doctor’s arms(,) crying and staring at her lovely baby girl.
Moments (later)(,) Doctor Nevarda got out of the chair, left the office and returned with a lot of literature and other handouts. He also handed her a pen and a paper for her to write a letter to her daughter if she died before she had meet an age mature enough to understand the situation.
HIV was a new virus and treatment was not available. When Mrs(.) Montana had discovered her status(,) he(r) TD4 count was low, and he(r) imune system was unable to fight for (any or much) longer. Dr(.) Nevarda had suspected that Mrs(.) Montana would have at least a year to live(,) but (t)hree months (later)(,)Mrs. Montana had succumbed to her ailment, leaving behind her young baby and husband to grie(ve).
Present Day
The following day, I saw very little of Kevin or anybody else(,) for that matter(.) I had missed all of my exams. I began to get depressed over the whole situation(,) yet I still just couldn’t believe what Kevin told me was true(.) I thought many times to go and confirm it(,) but I was too scared(.) (E)verytime I thought about what the results may be(,) I broke down in tears.
“Lee Anne, my dear what’s the matter? What have you been up to? I have not seen you around for almost two weeks now, I even thought that you don’t live here any more,” Drew said(,) upon entering my room. She looked around(,) and noticed that there were tissues all over the room(,) and that my room was in a mess. She paused for a moment, after looking at LeeAnne’s (s)ad, disturbed, gloomy face(.) (S)he began questioning “what’s the matter what’s bothering you Lee Anne? Do you need some one to talk to?”(What? You switch p.o.v's in the middle of the paragraph?)
I sat there in total silence and barely uttered to Drew, “I am ok, this situation is not too much for me to handle. I just need some time alone to figure out some stuff.”
(another p.o.v switch? If you are going to do this, like having a narrator, you need something to make it obvious, not just go back and forth)
The following week(,) Lee Anne left school to go home to spend the spring break with her Father; deep down in Lee Anne’s heart(,) she was seeking answers, answers for the misery that came in into her life.
“Daddy, how did mommy die? What did she die from?”
“Lee Anne, my dear.” He paused. “I kn(e)w that the time w(ould) come to tell you this(,) but I didn’t know it would be so soon.”
Moments of silence...
“Baby (,)your mommy died from HIV/AIDS”
“What? No. No. No(,) daddy. That can’t be why? Why?” Lee Anne began crying.
“What can’t be baby? What?”
“The fact is that I am HIV positive(,) dad!” (S)he began pacing the floor(,) and the tears could(n't) stop itself f(rom) flowing down her cheeks(.) “That is what can’t be, my life was devastated from the beginning(,) and you didn’t have the guts to tell me(,) dad.” In a faded pitch she said, “I gave it to Kevin Peterson. Dad, he hates me for this(.) I had destroyed someone’s life. Dad(,) I don’t know what to do.”
(need I say it? P.o.v. switch)
I had spent the whole holiday and a school term at home before I (had finally) gotten the zeal and courage to begin attending school once again. I had decided that on my return(,) I would start a group to enlighten my peers about HIV and AIDS. First, I had to plead for Kevin Peterson’s forgiveness(,) and ask him to join and support me on my venture.
“Kevin(,) I had done some research. What you said to me it was true(,) and I am very, very sorry. I did not know about my situation, it was passed down to me from my mother(.) (W)ould you please forgive me, help me find a way to fight this virus(?) Please Kevin(,) please...” I said with a fainted voice.
“Lee Anne(,) I am not sure. What is going on? I do not know what to do; I don’t know what to say. I just need time, time to think things through(,) please. Please understand me.”
“Kevin(,) you may have time(,) but I don’t(.) (M)y time is running out(,) and at this moment(,) I really need you(,) Kevin. At least do it for your friends(,) my friends(,) our classmates please Kevin, please(.)”
Kevin reached over, wiped the tears from running down my cheeks, and said to me, “Don’t cry(,) time is not running out. I forgive you(,) my love(,) please do not cry. I am going to help you. Please don’t cry.”
(I think I was right, you are doing 1st person, narrator, 1st person...still, I think it's a bit sloppy. (I noticed you had me's and I's in your third))
Following the creation of Kevin and Lee Anne’s new group, she became really sick(.) (S)he had been in and out of hospital, on and off of medication(,) but no possible combination seemed to make her feel better(.) (A)ctually(,) it made her situation worst. The night of Lee Anne’s eighteenth birthday was a really sad one, she l(lay) on the hospital bed(.) (S)he was slowly slipping out of this world(.) She turned to Kevin(,) who w(as) stand(ing) (by her bedside)(,) and said to him, “I am going and meet my mommy(.) (P)lease promise me that you will take care of your self(,) and that you will ensure the group goes on(.)”
Kevin had broken down in tears(,) and she could barely hear the words coming out of his mouth, “Lee Anne no, no don’t go(,) please don’t go now...”
She grasped a deep breath and continued with a slight pitch. “My dear, take care, I’ll love you always and forever.”
After saying her last words, the whole place went silent.
“Nurse, nurse somebody help me please help, anybody(,) please help me.”
By the time the nurses had gotten to Lee Anne’s bed(,) it was too late.
Usually, I'd never copy and paste an entire work just for the grammar...but I felt the need to here. I think you wanted this to make an impact, leave someone thinking. If that's the case, try to add more emphasis on emotion, but don't add overdramatics.
Though I know this seems harsh, I wouldn't put all this effort in if I didn't think this could really be something great! Make some improvements, check your wording, and repost! I'll definitely re-review! Good luck & keep writing!
~ Epic
(Side note: If I made errors, sorry I'm a hypocrite. XD)
I'll be back with a review this weekend. Feel free to PM me if I don't.
(Also because I'm working on a story involving HIV/AIDS as well)
i will.
Hey there! I'm Whitewolfpuppy and I will be reviewing. :3 (Oh I do like faces by the way...)
I can't wait to read some more, if you post more mind giving me a shout out? I would gladly appreciate it. :3
I have a BIG issue I would like to talk to you about, the way your story is written is a big deal. There is no spacing, at all. That is a huge factor when someone is reading your work, if the spacing is not right they are unlikely to read it.
Another one is how you have everything presented, I don't see the point in how you have the ~~~~~~********~~~~~~ To me, that seems unorganized as well as pointless. You can change where the story is going without all of that kind of stuff. Hey, that is only how I see it. You don't have to change anything with it.
Now the story seems to be a good one, but you do have a problem with making your character at the beginning of the story. I wouldn't start off with dialogue due to the fact that it does not bring the readers in. In my opinion, you should start talking about the setting or the character. That is how I would go with starting this story off, but again this is how I would do things.
Really other then that, keep on writing!
P.S-
I really hope that none of my comments are rude, I don't mean to be when I am reviewing. These are just things that I would do, you can totally look over and not do what I think. Trust me, it wouldn't be bad if you did that because I am not you, this is your story not mine.
Have a great day, thank you for your time. Don't forget to keep on writing. :3
~Whitewolfpuppy :3
hey sorry about the writing had it in a PDF format but i copied it to word and fixed it before uploading it so its better now, also i have added the introduction the the story which i had left out before... i had the characters it just that i thought it was too long of a story to upload.