I walk quickly, eyes straight ahead.
It’s best not to glance to the sides,
To witness the ensemble of living dead.
Bony faces, sunken eyes without inside,
Skeletal claws, gripping the seams
Of innumerable poorly made wheelchairs
As insubstantial as their own lost dreams,
Or their fading, failing strands of hair.
.
Such sights are one to trouble,
To bestir within emotions unpleasant.
Uncomfortable, my pace I then double.
Block out all that is lifeless present.
.
But it’s not the near sightless yet seeing stares
Transfixed on nothing but claustrophobic air,
Nor all the mouths, left eternally open
Emitting cries, screams, shrieks unspoken
That instill within the most unpleasant of feelings,
Feelings to leave me lost and reeling.
.
No…
.
It is the nag at the back of my mind,
Whispering that I too am confined
To the same fate as these comatose husks.
As the nights pass and dawn turns to dusk,
Tighter the tethers draw, dragging me down,
As the circle of life comes around.
.
But my rotation is not near complete. Not yet.
Such a state seems but a silhouette.
I am very much awake, alert, aware;
I am alive – this much I swear.
.
And so I return home at last, pour a glass,
Return to my beloved chair, letting time pass.
.
Gripping the seams.
Reminiscing past dreams.
Mouth open.
.
Staring.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,017 Literary Works • 672,850 Reviews
I love this! You added such realism to the poem I almost died. The emotion is there and the topics is interesting. Well other than that I have nothing to say other than one thing. The first stanza is a bit awkward in my eyes just break it up a but and it will be alright! Other than that I really liked the name of this poem! Mouth open, creative and well thought out
Well that's it for me! Happy happy review day!
-cherrycanwrite160
I think this is very well-written. It's quite an eerie take on old age and the way it traps a person; they way you describe it is unpleasant and yet very effective. Your words flow well and I love the free style of your poem! I also like how you basically state "what goes around comes around" and then it really does when you finish off your poem.
I guess the only complaint I have is how negative the whole thing is. What about the good aspects of an old folk home, or of old age, or the people there? It's not all bad. I know. I think it would be good to put a hint of light into this dark poem of yours. But then again, that's just personal opinion and it's okay if you don't! And you did a great job with it.
You're right, old age isn't all bad - I took a very biased standpoint for the sake of irony at the end. He goes on and on about just how awful it must be to be old and not really alive, while in reality, his life is much the same as those in the home.
The big, grand meaning behind this whole piece as that we should ever be aware of just how "alive" we really are and to not waste our younger years "dead".
Love it! The descriptions in this poem (both the feelings and the observations) are unnervingly accurate. Having been to places like this before, it is quite like this. Very disconcerting. Now you've got me thinking about what it must be like to be simply a silhouette.
I think my favorite part would have to be the end as it comes full circle. Ending it after "Staring." gives this a sort of eerie continuity. This is one of those poems that just makes you sit and think for a while after it. Lovely!!
-- Grey
Thanks.
Also, you just interpreted "silhouette" a way I was not entirely planning it to be, but now that you mention it, that's great. "Silhouette" in that context I wrote to show how the narrator believes himself far, far away from being old and decrepit - just a silhouette of an idea.
However, your interpretation works rather nicely and I feel like your probably not the only reader who got the same idea. Neat.
I really liked this poem! It made me read wide-eyed and mouth slight ajar
) I hope this review help some.
Death is all around us, some horrific like you described.
So my review: In the sentence "Uncomfortable, my pace I then double." The "I" doesn't make sense to me. Is it suppose to be "is"? Or just a typo?
Other than that, It was really good!
Good work and play continue writing
I'm glad it caused your mouth to be... open
And yeah, I've been toying around with that sentence for awhile now... while "my pace I then double" makes sense in my mind, and sounds good on top of that, I've had other people point out that same thing about the "I" not making much sense.
My other options are "my pace then doubles" or "my pace is then doubled". I'll contemplate on it further.
I personally like "my pace is the doubled"