Published July 9, 2009
A girl without a father is like a book without covers. In western civilizations, it is suppose to be the father who protects, guides and teaches the girl how to become the kind of women that a man would want to marry.
A fatherless girl is an exception. She doesn't have the kind of love that she needs but somehow, still manages to live out on her own.
My family always told me that I was the special one. I was more loved than all my other cousins. I always got want I wanted. If other kids made me cry, their the once who always got in trouble and not a single child complained. The whole neighborhood knew, everyone that my family knows knew and everyone who knows them knew. My parents divorced when I was only eight month old. I became fatherless before I even knew how to say the word "father".
My mom was a hard worker. It's all she ever did, she worked and worked. I don't blame her, she have to. She have to provide for a family of three and an ill-tempered step-dad. If she wasn't dealing with my step-dad she was busy with my little brother. If she wasn't doing either, she was either working or it was already 10'O clock at night. I was the teenager, I'm suppose to be able to take care of myself if not I should know how to deal with other things as well. This line, was what she and grandma always said to me.
At meal times, my grandma would always say, "You're sixteen now, a grown woman. Look how pitiful your mother is! You should learn how to help her. She's already dealing with that bastard step-dad of yours and your little brother is only two years old!" Then after that line, she would continue with what she did when she was my age.
From the day that I found out my step-dad wasn't my real dad I wasn't the same. As I grow up, I noticed how much of that am missing. I've noticed, how much of man love I really need...to survive and to feel confident about myself.
My social life was everything that I created. All my friends, drama, boys, self-dignity and everything that went along with it. My parents didn't even know who my friends are. They were surprised how many kids showed up at my sweet 16 birthday party. Everything that I went through my high school years, no one knew except for me. No one really knows me except for me, except for God. This is how it all started, me, myself and I. No one eles can come in. I had all the love for everyone but putting layers and layers of wall outside my own heart. It was so hard letting someone in, but it was harder letting them go.
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141,799 Literary Works • 675,824 Reviews
Hello, hello, I'm Hawkie and I'm here to review you, so without further ado:
That's one great hook, and a genius metaphor. Love it. Reminds me of a character in a book I'm writing.
"Women" is the plural, "woman" is the singular. You need the singular here.
The comma is unnecessary; just let it play out.
I think you mean "they were the ones?" ^^
Again, very very nice.
Here you switch to present tense. Switching tense is a big no-no, don't do it! Stay in one or the other: either "she had to" or "she has to."
Run-on sentence. Remember your commas!
Aaaand that comma's actually unneeded.
Again, the singular is "woman."
This all seems very confusing. Why not put in this information later, when it can actually be shown instead of told? I'm not a fan of emotional internal monologues at the beginnings of stories anyway, and I know many readers aren't either. It's a red flag that the story will probably have a lot of angst, boring "internal conflict" that isn't really internal conflict, and other put-offs. Starting of your story with action or dialogue is usually much better. If you must have a monologue, make it quick, concise and give it some attitude.
This beginning has potential. Polish it up and you may have something really good going. Just beware of angst and over-dramatizing, which is what ruins A LOT of teen stories.
While I'm still here, I'm going to rudely let you know that you, miss, have broken a rule! Since you're a new member, however, it's perfectly okay. The rule is tha before you post a work, you must have two reviews to show for it. After that, the review:work ratio must always be kept at 2:1. Capish?
Anyway, welcome to YWS and keep writing!
-Hawkie-