Darling will we dance tonight?
And forget all our worries?
Darling will we kiss tonight?
But will the kiss be meaningless?
Because somewhere right now there are children screaming.
One wants a new game
The other just wants a drink of water.
And one wants his parents to leave him alone
And yet another just wants mom to fight the cold
Darling will we smile tonight?
Because look at all the pretty lights
Burning bright like suns
But the light hurts her eyes, she is burning
And he cannot see at all.
Nothing.
Darling will we forget tonight?
And is it okay to forget?
And you looked so pretty in your gown.
Darling can we promise tonight?
Say it over the phone
Cause I need you tonight
The world doesn’t seem so harsh.
Darling where were you tonight?
The police called, it cannot be true
Cause bad things happen to other people but not to me and you.
Darling…
I never said that you could stop dancing.
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I found your poem heartbreaking because the speaker's hopeful about meeting his love and, instead, he's given a shocking news. This piece tells me the story of a couple who are separated by death. Though the cause of death is unknown, from the tone of the poem and the negative imagery you have provided, I'm assuming it's a suicide. The last line had a powerful effect and it reflected the speaker's defeated thoughts.
I'm confused about the comparison of "bad things" with "children screaming" and "mom fighting the cold" etc. I thought it didn't really go together. Perhaps, you should have compared it to something more . . . dark and upsetting to reflect the idea of a "cruel, harsh world", e.g. a mistreated child or grown-up children disrespecting their parents. That'd make more sense and would fit in well.
I'm not going to comment on the technical aspect of your poem, like punctuation and stanzas, as I'm not familiar with them myself.
Overall, this piece needs a bit more attention. Well done, and keep writing!
Thank you so much for the feedback! I looked back at the poem and completely understand what you mean about the "children screaming" etc. being confusing. I guess what I was going for was that the speaker was so focused on his relationship that he forgets the bad things that are happening in the world. He no longer sees the bad, he didn't even see his girl suffering because in his mind everything is going great. This is definitely a poem I would redo, and your feedback has given me a better idea of how I should change it! Thanks
No problem! Glad I could help.
I really like the format that you wrote this is. I thought it was really neat how you were asking questions until the end where you made a statement. I think this poem was easy to read but I think you could have used some stanzas. I think it would have made it a tiny bit easier to read. But I could follow the story and that is the most important thing in anything you ever write. (at least in my opinion) Over all I think it is a nice story and I hope you write more like this.
Thank you so much for your feedback!