Published June 6, 2011
My name is Leigh. I am the oldest of 3. I have two twin brothers who are 8 months old. My parents are happily married and we live in a large beach house in Hawaii. When we first moved in, my parents decided that a big house like this needed something a little more than designer furniture. It needed a butler. So my dad hired us a butler named Thomas. Thomas is the best. He does our laundry, cleans the whole house, changes poopy diapers, makes us our meals, and even unlocks my video games and tv channels when mom's not home. I have the perfect life! Yeah right. My life goes something a little more like this.
My name is Leigh. I am the oldest of 3. I have two twin brothers who are 8 months old. My parents are constantly fighting over the stupidest things. We live in what some people would call the "ghetto meadows" and we have furniture that my uncle found us at pawn shops and the junkyard. My grandma has lived with us ever since grandpa died. My parents argue about who does the laundry, who has to clean what room in the house, who changes the poopy diapers, who cooks what meal, and even what video games and tv channels are appropriate for me to watch and play. I have a difficult life, and that's the truth.
Today is Monday, another hard day at school. I can't exactly do my homework when I get distracted by my parents screaming at each other. I love them, but hate their fights. Sometimes when dad gets really angry because he has to change a diaper or do something with the babys,he takes out his anger on them. He slams down diapers, almost drowns the babies in their own bottles, oh and did I mention that they are both drug addicts?
Today is the day that I've decided that I'm sick and tired of the way that they treat me and the babies. I need to get away from here, somehow, but what am I supposed to do? Pack up my clothes in a suitcase, grab the diaper bag, fill it up with all the babies needs, grab the stroller and bolt out the door? No. They would see me.I needed to be sneaky.I would sneak out in the middle of the night, fill my wallet with my parents' secret stash o fdrug money (that I'm not supposed to know about, and leave with everything I would need. But there was still one more problem...where would we go? We coudln't stay in a hotel or at anyone in my family's house. I had an idea. But first, I needed a suitcase...and fast!
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy...this was quite a start right here, you definitely manage to paint quite the picture here, starting out fairly innocent in that first paragraph and then having things seriously escalate from that point onward.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....this sounds sort of the like the introduction that someone that's relatively young would give about themselves. There is a slight sense of maturity present here that makes you think this isn't someone very young, but there is a very childish streak about the introduction of the butler and especially the lines towards the end there...all in all, a bit of a neutral start here.
Okayy...so that went in a direction I certainly wasn't expecting given how cheerful that first paragraph was. Well...this definitely took me a bit by surprise but this does certainly peak my interesting. Especially cause of the final lines. While the first part can be somewhat dismissed as some normal banter that a young child sees as an argument, but the later part really shows that there is some sort of problem going on in this household here.
OKay...well, this child here is rapidly sounding older and older, which a) means you've gotta try and ensure this voice here sounds a little more consistent, especially with the descriptions used in the earlier parts of things, but here we've now got what appears to be a really serious situation with the parents there. There's certainly a few laws being broken by this point and now you can see what this person means when they say that life is tough i this particular household.
Ooh, well this certainly ends on a very interesting decision there. It certainly makes for a pretty good hook here, cause you're instantly wondering how this whole operation is going to go down...and imaging how this child even came to such a conclusion. There was a nice little buildup of tension to this moment from the get go of this piece and I do like how that was executed there. Overall, this seems like a pretty solid start to a story here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this comes together to make for a pretty strong opening that you've got right here, and I think this is interesting enough as a story to be something that I'd potentially read.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is a great piece of work, and I love it. There is much strong emotion displayed with only these little words. This portrays and mirrors reality very much. All in all, a good read.
I didn't spot much errors myself, so I guess I can say: Good work!
Oh yes, and as mentioned...
This ^
Cheers!
-Samp
That's a very good story and I would like to see more of it, but you could introduce the character a little more, like what's her name (or his)? I just like to give tidbits to try to give people new ideas. Peace!
Wow! I mean, yeah, wow! This is a scarily accurate work. The title is definitely appropriate. I didn't really find anything that was wrong with it grammatically aside from a few incorrect spellings.
There I pointed them out so you can correct them. Happy writing!
Wow I can really see the emotion and how you feel. I also can totally relate. Keep on posting.