Published September 14, 2012
Her eyes were dark like coal, but not the dark of the peaceful night, more the dark of the rotting corpse of a dead dog on the side of the road. Her tattered clothes dragged on the rough soil and her skin was smudged and flecked with three-day-old dried mud. Her hair was stiff. Black like oil, but not clean oil. More like oil mixed with dirt to make a mixture of revolting clumpy grease.
Blood trailed down her dead eyes leaving a sea of red down her sunken face. Her coal-like eyes cupped by her right broken hand. Like a savage she ate her eyes, the purest white now tainted by the forbidden nectar. Her face, once pale, now flushed red like the fierce sun, but not with the sun's brightness, more the brightness of a hungry fire now flaming inside her, burning her with fiery passion.
Desperation now consumed her.
One by one her nails tore off. She had been digging for quite a while now and her arms had turned deathly pale. Her hands were blue, but not a blueberry blue, more the blue mixed in with purple of a massive bruise that won't go away for almost a month.
Her hair flew wildly in clumps as she scratched the frozen ground with mechanical precision and rhythm. Repeated motions. Finally, she found what she was looking for -- a dead bird she had buried a few days back for provisions. It was a crow. The blue-black beak of the motionless corpse shone with the colors of the rainbow when the light hit it, like oil. The wings were spread wide across on both sides, each feather dirty with the brown soil. One by one the girl plucked the feathers and laid them on a pile to the side for later use. With her last nail she made and incision between both ribcages of the poor animal. The skin on both sides folded outward like wilted pedals and exposed the innards of the crow. Slowly, guts slid out like bloody worms taking a breath of fresh air. She put the bird to her cracked lips and sucked all internal organs. The blood made another layer on the already dried blood from before.
She got up and moved elsewhere to dig some more.
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140,255 Literary Works • 673,077 Reviews
Lovely work. I enjoy reading dark and ominous descriptions, and you've captured that perfectly. You're doing a great example of "show, don't tell." This is a writing style, one in which I think you can prosper from. It's ALL about descriptives. And great when you really want the reader to see, feel and think as the character does.
However,
Her, her, her, her.
"Her eyes were dark like coal[...]"
"Her tattered clothes dragged on the rough soil[...]"
"Her hair was stiff[...]"
"Her coal-like eyes cupped by her right broken hand[...]"
You can either give a name to the faceless "Her" of the story, or you can change it up. This gets better near the ending of the story, but it's really distracting in the beginning.
Honestly though, I really like it. Like I said, I love descriptives! And I have a passion for erie nature.
Keep up the good work!
You're telling the audience what is happening, but it may flow better, if you were to show what is happening. It requires a slight shift in detail, and in many cases, more detail. Personally I love descriptions, it helps place an exact image in a person's mind, especially when certain emotions are meant to be felt.
Hi there, Azileth,
Firstly, please put paragraphs in. Or at least separate a few lines. From first view, it just looks like a clump of words, which is a bit scary.
So your title is grabbing. It is short, dramatic - a tad melodramatic - and a nice summary of your work. Good.
"of the rotting corpse of "
Try to reword this, so you only get one 'of'.
I like your constant comparisons 'like, but not', that kind of thing. It is very unique. Your writing style, also is good.
Your descriptive writing is fantastic, but keep in mind not to overdo it. I felt in the first five or so lines that there was an overdose of description to such an extent, that I couldn't understand what was actually happening.
"bruise that won't go away for almost a month."
This line is awkward, and I would consider rewording it, perhaps.
It would be mendacious of me not to say the end of your story made me feel physically sick. I guess, if that's what you want - blood and inhumane activity - then go for it! Just, personally, it made me gag.
Your writing however, is meticulous.
Well done, and I hope to see more.
NightWriter x
I tried doing the Spaces... but I couldn't figure out how :/
Correction, paragraphs*
I know what you mean. It's a difficult situation to do it in, right?
A possible place is after 'mud' in the third line. That is just a display of changing the line along with the subject. When you're finished talking about her hair, new line for the eyes. That kind of thing. It's up to you. Also, you could reword some things so that a break would seem more natural.
If you don't feel to throw paragraphs in there, however, I'm sure nobody will kill you for it!
NightWriter x
no no, i know where to add paragraphs, but when i posted this for some reason the paragraphs didn't come out.
Hi there
The title of your story caught my eye
The story is a little bit extreme and let me say weird, but on the other hand I like weird so I decited to congratulate you on your work. I'm just a bit curious about what inspired you?
I have to say I don't like how you say "something is like.. but not ..more like.. " ( "Black like oil, but not clean oil. More like oil mixed with dirt to make a mixture of revolting clumpy grease.") It's OK to do it one or two times but I think you did it to many times, on the other hand that's just my opinion.
Any way it's a good description and I can see clearly the picture of the girl you're describing.
I would like to read some poem of yours if you have any.
Keep writing
Luca