Published April 27, 2008
It tears my soul
To see you like this
Battered by our enemies
Wounded
In my defense
Breathing faintly
Bleeding, bruised, torn
Pale as death
Come back to me
Open your eyes!
I love you
I need you
Win this beside me
Come back!
Fragile breath so helpless
Could I take your place?
Your strength is gone
Never have I seen my hero
So weak
My warmth
So cold
My hope
So devastated
I love you
Please…
You’re fading
No
Hold me
Your hand is so cold
Wrapped in my own
But you’re still there
Still my hero
Still my warmth
Still my hope
Together
We’re alive
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139,534 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Very nice
I really felt this poem.
I think the ending works. The last few stanzas lead up to a slight glimmer of hope and I think that's enough to let the reader know all's well.
Loved it.
Keep posting,
Peace
Inky.
Lovely job the fluency just grabbed my and wouldn't let go!
loved it!
I personally loved the ending. I thought the sentiment got stronger as the poem progressed. You've also used some very effective repetition, which is good!
The only part that I was even just a smidge concerned with was the "no" towards the end. I imagined it as a long drawled out "noooooo" muffled by unavoidable tears and a quivering voice, which I can only assume is how you'd like it to be read. But, because theres not really any context supporting how this reading, I don't want any readers to be tempted give it a quick, yappy, and unthoughtful "no"... I don't know, I feel like something is needed to slow down our reading.
Otherwise, I think the poem and message are pretty solid. Keep it up and happy writing,
s
I like everything you write.
Glad you decided ta join!
excellent I really like this
I like how you just jumped right into it and I think repeating things like "come back" really add emphasis. I really felt like you were pleading with this person not to leave. I think you might want to add some more story behind it maybe include some more details to create a thicker story but if that wasn't what you were going for then I say this is great.
First of all, allow me to welcome you to YWS. I'm Rick. After you get 25 reviews, you can access the YWS chat. Also, you need atleast two reviews before posting your own work. I see that you've done this. Good job!
The crit: I really like this. I like how you put in deep description on how you love and need someone so much. Very well done. Good grammer as well. Keep up the good work!
-Rick.
heh, yeah buddy. I like it, I do I do I do, yeah buddy. The ending's weird, because...it ends as "we're alive," but every indication...shows that he's/she's gonna die. Erm? Just a weird note to end it with, because...if this person is gonna survive, some indication should exist so we understand this...but yeah, I like it a lot. You said a lot in not a lot.