Life’s crying in the corner
She’s quite upset today
So many now have lost Her
And thrown Her all away
Life’s drowning in Her sorrow
Abandoned and misused
She tries to give them purpose
But Death’s the One they choose
Life’s soon to be forgotten
As She calls but is not heard
Outdone by Her imposters
Who trick with cunning words
Mediocre in existence
Trading Truth for hearts of ice
They are blind to what could be
And the bitter pleas of Life
Life’s crying in the corner…
Wishing to be lived
But no one seems to heed Her
And all She has to give
Life’s crying in the corner…
Wishing I would come
But I don’t know how to reach Her
I’ve lived another one
Life’s crying in the corner…
She’s quite upset today
So many now have lost Her
And wasted Life away
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Actually, i disagree with all of the above. I think that the poem kept to it's rhythm really well - which is, in my mind, an essential aspect of poetry (if it has no rhythm, it's hardly different from an ordinary paragraph,) - and you had loads of wonderful lines in there that i loved to read.
i also think that although the above have said it's cliche, in reality, Life is a big topic with many posibilities and angles for writing and you have aproached it with originality!
Woohoo!
This poem was okay like every one said. Anyway, welcome to YWS and I hope to read more of your works.
The title drew me in so points for that. :]
Just a few small things.
The "and" seems out of place and I think maybe a little more punctuation will spice up your poem. But your poem still is wonderful (for lack of a better word).
I disagree with Vernon. I think this piece of writing isn't cliché and showing isn't always the best.
Everyone is so wrapped up with showing when some poems and writing are meant to be told.
I think this is one of them and I like how you personified Life.
Nice job. *clicks gold star*
Yeh... great more angst ridding poetry. This is too cliche and broad a topic as nite says. You also use a very cliched theme and wording. The whole idea is cliche. You tell us all this but not showing. It's an angst ridding telling peice that falls over because of this. You need to use langauge techniques to show everything, but you don't excute the use correctly. Overall: This is quite weak and affectively bores and the topic overdone but a large percent.
Good luck
VSN
I felt bad that this hasn't been critiqued at all, so I thought I'd look at it.
My overall impression is...it's okay. Not terrible, but there's nothing in it that stands out. I think the subject matter was too broad. Life? How on earth can you show me everything about life and death in a few lines? Um...you can't. Narrow your focus so you can show us something more interesting. Maybe a person wasting his/her life away, for example, or a method used to waste lives away, or just drop the subject entirely and write about your couch or something.
Next time, narrow your subject so the reader can actually get into the poem. Keep writing!