E - Everyone

"Promise"

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Andrew was getting ready for his date, he dated girls because he had found the peace in it his mother promised he‘d never find. The thought of his mother made him shed tears; he went into a state unexplainable of his sub-conscious mind. He could feel the pain again, almost as reliving his life. Andrew opened his eyes but he wasn’t met by the calmness of his room nor the warmness, but the cold iciness of his mom’s harsh slap, “Andrew what have you done with the painting! I told you to colour the sun red not orange.” “Ma but this is red, it’s reddish orange.” Andrew replied crying. “Don’t you show me the smartness kid!”Andrew was met by another cold slap, but as soon as he got the cold feeling it was relieved by the warm hands of father hugging him tightly tears rushing down Andrew’s cheeks “Mary how can you be such a monster? He’s just a little kid.” Andrew’s father complained “Well I was just trying to turn this young man into something and I don’t care what you think, I am going to turn this little boy into a man.” Mary snapped back. Andrew slept that night in peace, but all nights weren’t like that some were bad, others made Andrew wonder why he even was born. But not all was chaotic in Andrew’s life he had a friend named Kelly who lived just next door, they used to play hide and seek together, they used to visit the woods, collect rocks and pebbles sing and dance. They even made a pet dog Milo, Kelly was pretty much Andrew’s only hope in his world of despair, sometimes Andrew was allowed a night stay at Kelly’s house, nights he always remembered, and those nights he would wear his night suit, ring the door bell of Kelly’s house, Mrs. Castle would open the door and greet him warmly, then Kelly and he would play board games, watch movies and eat dinner. Then came Andrew’s favourite part bedtime, Mrs. Castle would tuck Kelly and Andrew in the bed and then read them a bedtime story till they fell asleep. Many days went by, many nights went like this. Andrew’s hope gradually began to grow until one day the dreaded news came to him, Kelly was leaving the township, and his heart skipped beats as he saw outside Kelly packing her items he ran to the next door, standing in front of her motionless Kelly began to speak but Andrew grabbed her and gave her a tight hug tears began running down both of their cheeks, Kelly now said “Were going to meet later alligator. Promise.” “Ok then after a while Crocodile.” A brief smile was on both their faces. Instantly Andrew snapped out of this state as his house bell ran, he got ready and had a nice date……… 

Some years later Andrew was married to the wife of his choice, he had a high paid job as a journalist at a news company, he even had a boy named James, but still he thought something was still missing from his life, Kelly’s dreams still haunted him day after day. Andrew was in his favourite restaurant just then he caught glimpse of Kelly he quickly out of instinct walked to her she gave Andrew a annoyed look “What’s your problem mister?” she said. “Kelly you don’t remember me, it’s me Andrew.” Andrew said in excitement, Kelly’s eyes widened, “Andrew you nut job I had been looking for you all over in this town.” “Likewise.” Andrew said. They both talked for what seemed ages. Andrew arrived home happily, just when he saw his wife…. The horrors of his mother rushed in his brain making tears roll down his face, he just picked James and ran outside he didn’t know why, his wife’s yells could be heard in the background, but still he kept running till he reached the restaurant, where he broke down in tears, just then Kelly rushed to him tightly and whispered, “Promise.”

Comments & reviews · 7
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User avatar
roeckercody
Review

Okay. Woah. This is intense.

Happy Review Day!

Here we go...

The first suggestion I would make is separating everything into smaller chunks to ease the reader while reading, because it is difficult to read, and pay attention to, such a long drawn out paragraph.

That being said, your ideas and content is a actually quite good. The pain Andrew felt as a child was palpable. The safe haven that was Kelly was lovely and I really enjoyed that you made some part of his life happy and good. The home away from home. When she moved, I about died inside. I felt horrible for this kid.

The mother is just sickening, although I don't know how realistic she sounded. At least, to me, she didn't sound like a mother. But, I guess that would make sense as she is a horrible one. Anyway, I hated her. The father, I was glad he stood up for his son, and wonder to myself if he was also abused by her? She seems to be the leader of the family, I wonder if he is a weakling and is consistently bullied by her. That would make sense,and be tragic as well.

There are many moments in your writing with forgotten punctuation and punctuation in the wrong spots. The only thing I can recommend is that you read it again, and edit. OUT LOUD though. Please read it out loud. It would help your piece flow much much much better. I think you could have a better quality story to tell if you did so.

Again, I really liked this story. The pain that was so apparent, the escape from that pain, going directly back into the pain, only later to escape it for good. But is it really for good?

It makes you think, and worry, and it is very strong.

Please Continue Writing, as you have potential.

- Cody :)

User avatar
ThatAndalite
Comment

I think EmptySoul covered everything here. As for reading this.. I'm sorry, but I didn't bother. It's that hard on the eyes for me. Perhaps after you do some corrections, I will.

User avatar
Pencillia
Comment

It's good that it's a happy ending. Only, was his wife mistreating him? Will he divorce her, now?

no she was mistreating their child like his mother, and maybe yeah he will divorce her

User avatar
EmptySoul
Review

Hi there! EmptySoul is here to review!

Here are a few things I noticed that I think you should work on:

- You might want to separate your texts in more paragraphs. Or else, it just looks life a "wall of texts" and it's difficult to read. Here are some examples of when to start a new paragraph: when you skip to a new time, when you skip to a new place, when a new person begins to speak or when you want to produce a dramatic effect.

-There was also a bunch of spelling a grammar mistakes and you didn't write some words when there was supposed to be one. Here are examples:

door bell


Should be written like this:

doorbell


Andrew was getting ready for his date, he dated girls because he had found the peace in it his mother promised he‘d never find.


I think you've missed a few words in this sentence. Did you mean this?:

Andrew was getting ready for his date. He dated girls because he had found the peace in it since his mother promised he‘d never find one.


I kind of corrected that "sentence" and made it into two sentences.

she gave Andrew a annoyed look


This should be written like this:

she gave Andrew an. annoyed look


-Your misuse of punctuation. You're short story lacked of periods and commas.

In conclusion, sorry this review is a little bit harsh. I just saw a few things that I thought you should know about. I'm being a little bit picky to make you a better author.

-EmptySoul



The beginning of wisdom is to call things by their right names.
— Chinese proverb