z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

The fates

by Axelander


Along the path they walk, waves and their flows,

Sing altogether the Fates, in their black long coat.

The sound of the bell break, counting the hours,

And the march of War, for the dead, gathering flowers.

    

Up the hills they run, waves and their flows,

Sing altogether the Fates, their screaming echoes.

In the palm of their fallen hand, are resting our days,

Our cries, our lives, but still, up the hills, they stray.

     

Back and afar, the face dour, shadowy mind,

Walk the traveler harvesting pitfalls and signs,

And if his golden tears for the least make them weep,

They close their eyes and screaming rattles make them sink.

      

He drops his cane and his armor, waves and their flows

Running behind the Fates, in their black long coats.

The sound of the bell break, shortening hours,

And down a rock he stops, thinking of further.

     

The oration in the chapel, roll down the cries,

Atop the cliffs, still walking on, lowering their eyes,

The belfry below crying, ringing without an end,

Sound and screaming, for up the cliffs they stand.

      

The oration in the chapell, roll down the cries,

Up the hills and finally, they stop and rise,

The traveler leaves his rock, free, to the abyss,

But for him to sleep, they come closer and kiss his lips.

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176 Reviews

Points: 1983
Reviews: 176

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Sun Aug 06, 2017 1:10 pm
sheysse wrote a review...



Hey there! Shey here for a review!

Firstly, welcome to the site! Hope you enjoy it here! Secondly, I really enjoyed this poem. It was an ejoyable read, so let's jump into this. :)

Overall, this was a wall constructed poem. What I thought was the most impressive part had to have been the rhyme scheme. Rhyming in poetry is not necessary, and so most poets don't do it. The reason is that it's difficult, with the payoff ticking you force a rhyme and the piece becomes weird or unnatural. However, in this specific piece of literature, the rhyming almost never felt forced or disrupted the rhythm. There were a few exceptions where the lines didn't rhyme perfectly, which definitely did seem weird reading through it, but for the most part, it was flawless. As I mentioned, that's a difficult thing to accomplish, so good job.

Maybe this was just me, but I had trouble finding the rhythm in this piece. I'm not saying the piece had no rhythm, because I'm sure you feel it when you read it, but I just couldn't get it. I'm not too sure how to fix that, but maybe just keep it in mind for future works.

Anyway, great job! Keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing more from you!

~Shey~




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29 Reviews

Points: 103
Reviews: 29

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Sat Aug 05, 2017 9:24 pm
deleted1967 wrote a review...



Dear Axelander,

First of all, is your name Alexander? Or is your name actually Axelander? It's so great omg. I love your username.

Second of all, hi my name is Bailey!

Third of all, interesting poem! I'm not exactly sure that I understood most of it... But, anyhow XD I really enjoyed it.

The rhyme sceme is cool, though I noticed that there are three lines that don't rhyme that kind of put it off course (weep/sink, hours/further, end/stand). I found that when I was reading the weep/sink lines, I was expecting the line to end with sleep, since it rhymed the best, and it also said "They close their eyes" just a thought.

Other than the fact I, as the reader, was a little bit deceived/misdirected when it came to the rhyming, I enjoyed the poem very much.

I'm not exactly sure what the message is of the poem, I haven't analyzed it all that well. I'd be very pleased to know what it is though, if you would let me know!

Have a very good day/night! (whichever applies to you)

I'll definitely look out for your name in the future! (I go straight to poetry on here tbh)

Sincerely, Bailey Matwiiw!





cron
"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening