As another spacecraft flies across the stars, I sigh as I look out the window in the café. It’s such a nice place here, so big and nobody can hear you scream. Unless of course you’re in town, then you have trouble. I glance up, looking at the stars. They look so beautiful twinkling up like that, just sitting there and looking pretty. Many colours of the stars reach my eyes, as I count in my mind how many there are up there. Space is such a weird place, full of mystery, and well, space. I don’t remember the last time there wasn’t a spacecraft flying past me, or when some random person was yelling at me for crashing one spacecraft into their homes by accident.
Why am I in this café? Well, I’m supposed to be waiting for my other team mates to show up so we can wait for our teacher, but they haven’t come yet. I just want to get this training over and done with so I can dream about the fantasies and tales I have heard about when I was a child. I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t dreaming about the magical things I have heard about, I have heard about so many that I have lost count. I sigh; my mind will never come clear to me.
A waitress comes over to me and hands me my drink, which is deep in colour, dark blue. I haven’t tried this flavour of thick shake before, and when I heard about it I had just to try one when I had the chance. Since no one is here, I thought why not, right? I poke my straw in the lid, taking a sip. My eyes widen in awe, this is amazing, nothing like I have ever tasted. It seems to be crossed between blueberries and ice cream, but it’s all in one! I slump in my seat, looking out the window. I see Team 32 training with their laser guns today, I wish my team were on that level, but we’re not. The leader of that team glares at me, and I sharply look away, focusing on my drink.
I’m on Team 101, the worst team possible. In my team, someone always fails at something and we’re far behind the other people, but that’s almost my fault. Each day we train to fly the spacecraft’s, but I always manage to damage it or crash it into someone’s house by accident. Apparently, my head is in the stars too much and not on the task at hand, but I can’t help that. Sometimes I look up at the stars, only to see a face. The face belongs to the Space Princess, the ruler of space and beyond.
People say that in this universe and beyond there is this woman. She is beautiful as they put her, her dress looks as if it’s covered in stars and her hair is like silk, it flows down her back. They say when Earth was around, which is what I believe a thousand years ago, she used to rule over Earth. She protected it from her evil twin sister. They say that her twin sister rules over the worst things in space, like black holes or something like that. One day, these two people broke into a huge fight and caused the Earth to be distinguished; Earth doesn’t have any life anymore.
Well, that’s what people tell me, but that was back in 2012, it’s now 3012, so that practically a thousand years ago. People now of course have more important things to worry about like keeping up to date, but why? What if they did exist and they had another fight again? It’s unknown if they would, but I believe they might. They may actually be living right now, and for all my life I have always wanted to see them both.
I look out the café window again, only to see that there are some robots malfunctioning towards the people. Bags falling onto the ground, their speech becoming muddled, it makes me laugh a little. Someone must have found the control room and ‘tweak’ them a little again. I find it weird how the people those are mechanically engineered also suffer as well, so Spiral, one of my team mates, is going to suffer today. This is such a shame, not just for him, but for the other robots as well, they make such a mess.
Seeing as no one is coming, I sigh and stroll up to the counter. The waitress is here, chatting away with another customer. This causes me to wait in line, which is annoying. All I want is another one of these thick shakes to go, but it seems that their conversation will last for quite some time. I look to my left, seeing some random child crying over their drop toy she got from her meal. The mother is trying to calm her, but I believe she’s too spoilt to understand. I sigh, as the lady finally leaves and I order another drink.
Once it was made, I strolled outside staring up at the sky. The stars are so big, there are so many colours. They also seem very close; many people have actually touched them before but me. I always wanted to touch one, but I never even got my finger tips on the fiery star surface. I sigh as I reached my hand out to one, but don’t get even a heated hand when I do. This isn’t fair.
I notice two people running, and I growl, “Where have you two been?!”
Diamond laughs, “Sorry, Arrow! We’re here!”
Spiral rolls his eyes, “We are generally sorry, Arrow.”
“Why are you late anyway?!”
“Diamond thought it would be ‘cool’ if we took a detour.” Spiral chuckles, “That and she was being a pain again.”
“Hey! Ever since did you know what something ‘cool’ is? You’re genetically engineered!”
He shrugs, “I pick up on these things, even though I was created last month.”
“Weird…”
So now we stand outside the café, waiting for our teacher to show. I look around, but I don’t see him. I sigh, just where is he?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,826 Reviews
I know most of of it was caught by Starleene, so if there's anything I repeat I apologize. First off, nice story, it really has potential. Although, the beginning didn't really catch me and pull me in, making me want to continue reading. Also, like Starleene said, -
“…so big and nobody can hear you scream.”
Now... I really didn't get this part. It was kind of creepy and strange. Not to mention, why would someone be screaming? Unless something happened to them, but in this case nothing has happened and your talking about screaming for no absolute reason. Unless, you meant for it to maybe help us as readers to visualize the size of it? Either way, I would add a little more detail to what you meant there, as I was sort of confused and beyond freaked out.
"I have heard about, I have heard about so many that I have lost count."
I don't believe it was necessary to put 'I have heard about' in there twice. Instead, I would rewrite the sentence in this manor.
"I don’t remember the last time I wasn’t dreaming about the magical things I have heard about, so many different tales I've lost count."
Although that is just my own opinion for the sentence, I'm sure someone has or can come up with something better.
“ …robots malfunctioning towards the people.”
In my opinion, the whole '...malfunctioning towards the people.' is just a truly awkward sentence. Instead I would take off the 'towards the people' or rewrite it like so.
"...robots malfunctioning and causing distress among the people."
That way the sentence isn't so...awkward.
“We are generally sorry, Arrow.” I'm not sure that generally should be the word used here. Personally, I would have used.
“We're (truly/extremely) sorry, Arrow.”
Try to say "We are generally sorry, Arrow." Out loud to yourself. To me, it doesn't fit in right. Truly or extremely, in my opinion, would help the flow stay smooth.
“Hey! Ever since did you know what something ‘cool’ is? You’re genetically engineered!”
He shrugs, “I pick up on these things, even though I was created last month.”
“Weird…”
Honestly. I kind of got lost in the conversation above ^. You lost me on. 'Hey! Ever since did you know..' The sentence just totally puzzled me and I actually had to think for myself what was actually going on.
One last thing. The plot, wasn't exactly clear. Okay, we have this character, who can't fly a spaceship. Sure that's a problem, but why would it be? Is there an important mission coming up? Are the consequences starting to pile up from crashing? Also, I agree with Starleene on the simulator. Crashing spaceships constantly could get extremely costly. Maybe change it to he keeps failing the simulator?
Other then that, It's a really nice story with some potential. I highly recommend continuing on. The more you write, the better you get! Not to mention, you'll have us helping you along with any bumps in the road and to make you a better writer! Seeyah! Tosh~
Hey there!
Starleene here!
I have come to review your work! I am pretty blunt with something but it's for the good of the author! Constructive critisism helps you become a better writer and I hope you don't take it personally! So let’s begin!
“As another spacecraft flies across the stars…”
I don’t think this is a very captivating as you wanted it to be. It doesn’t capture the imagination and make the reader want to read more.
“…so big and nobody can hear you scream.”
This is really strange. Like creepy strange. I don’t understand why this would be necessary to move your story forward. You always want to include things in your story that is going to help it move the reader along. I don’t think this is it.
“I count in my mind how many there are up there.”
The repetition of “there” is very distracting. You could probably take out the first “there” and it would flow a lot better.
“…random person was yelling at me for crashing one spacecraft into their homes by accident.”
This is weird. Also, I think you should give the spacecraft a cool name like “The Delta 500” or something like that. I think that it would add a little interest to your story.
“Why am I in this café?”
Who’s asking this question? It seems like someone is talking to the MC but it’s weird for the MC to ask himself a question like that. I feel like the question is breaking the 4th wall (an imaginary wall blocking the characters in the story from the readers.) It doesn’t feel natural. It definitely doesn’t feel like something the character would ask himself.
“I just want to get this training over and done with so I can dream about the fantasies and tales I have heard about when I was a child.”
I feel like this is a part of the story where the MC defines their hopes and dreams but you make it seem really…forced. I don’t believe that the MC would hate a training that would get them closer to their dream. Instead I can see the MC saying they can’t wait to graduate training so they can pursue those dreams they’ve been dreaming about since childhood. Usually that’s something that drives the MCs characters and makes the story interesting.
“…my mind will never come clear to me.”
I think that you mean “became.” Remember that word choice can either make or break a great story. Remember to read, read, read your story. Most of the time you’ll be able to catch your own mistakes.
“A waitress comes over to me and hands me my drink, which is deep in colour, dark blue. I haven’t tried this flavour of thick shake before, and when I heard about it I had just to try one when I had the chance. Since no one is here, I thought why not, right? I poke my straw in the lid, taking a sip. My eyes widen in awe, this is amazing, nothing like I have ever tasted. It seems to be crossed between blueberries and ice cream, but it’s all in one! I slump in my seat, looking out the window.”
This entire paragraph is unneeded. Not only does it not contribute to the story, it takes away from it. It’s very distracting and seems like you may have just slapped it in the middle of the story and forgot about it. I would consider taking this entire paragraph out.
“I’m on Team 101, the worst team possible.”
I don’t think that anybody in their right mind would admit to being on the worst team. I think that with this person as the MC you have to make them have some sort of skills in the field that their in. I feel like this isn’t the MC but a supporting character and we’re just waiting for the MC to show up.
“…but that’s almost my fault.”
Is it the MCs fault of isn’t it? Regardless, I believe that what you meant to say was “That’s almost always my fault.” That would make a lot more sense.
“Each day we train to fly the spacecraft’s, but I always manage to damage it or crash it into someone’s house by accident.”
I think that the spacecraft thing is really unbelievable. If they really live in the future then wouldn’t they have some sort of flight simulator or something that helps prepare you flyers for the actual machine? In reality it would cost a lot of money to replace spacecraft after spacecraft. A simulator seems more likely. Just think about it.
“People say that in this universe and beyond there is this woman. She is beautiful as they put her, her dress looks as if it’s covered in stars and her hair is like silk, it flows down her back. They say when Earth was around, which is what I believe a thousand years ago, she used to rule over Earth. She protected it from her evil twin sister. They say that her twin sister rules over the worst things in space, like black holes or something like that. One day, these two people broke into a huge fight and caused the Earth to be distinguished; Earth doesn’t have any life anymore.”
“Well, that’s what people tell me, but that was back in 2012, it’s now 3012, so that practically a thousand years ago. People now of course have more important things to worry about like keeping up to date, but why? What if they did exist and they had another fight again? It’s unknown if they would, but I believe they might. They may actually be living right now, and for all my life I have always wanted to see them both.”
Ok. These two paragraphs are unnatural. Who is the MC talking too? What brought this thought up? Don’t you think it would make sense if you had all this introduced gradually rather in huge blocks like this? It feels like I’m in a history class and it’s not fun at all. In fact, I don’t think that it helps the story at all to have it here, it’s an information over load. Also, I feel like you just wanted to have another plot twist but it makes the story unmanageable. You have two stories going on here and I think you need to make up your mind on which you want to pursue because both are relatively good.
“ …robots malfunctioning towards the people.”
I think you should take off the last part. It doesn’t make sense. Also, what is the role of the robots? Is it a way to build the plot or do they have any other significant reason in being written about here? Are they people themselves or are they owned by the people?
“I find it weird how the people those are mechanically engineered also suffer as well, so Spiral, one of my team mates, is going to suffer today.”
Just a slight revision here: “I find it weird how those who are mechanically engineered…” is the proper way of stating the sentence above.
“Seeing as no one is coming, I sigh and stroll up to the counter. The waitress is here, chatting away with another customer. This causes me to wait in line, which is annoying. All I want is another one of these thick shakes to go, but it seems that their conversation will last for quite some time.”
I don’t understand how the shake plays such a huge part in your story that you have two scenes about it? Why is the MC annoyed? What makes the MC annoyed? Is it just because of the waitress or is it because of the late teammates? Explain a little more, please.
“ I look to my left, seeing some random child crying over their drop toy she got from her meal. The mother is trying to calm her, but I believe she’s too spoilt to understand. I sigh, as the lady finally leaves and I order another drink.”
This scene is literally unrelated to your story. You might consider taking it out and replace it with something that’s going to either build your MC or build the plot.
“ They also seem very close; many people have actually touched them before but me. I always wanted to touch one, but I never even got my finger tips on the fiery star surface.”
you realize that stars are actually suns? And that they are so extremely hot that a person wouldn’t even be able to get close enough to look at it let alone touch it, just some science for you.
‘“We are generally sorry, Arrow.”’
I don’t think generally means what you think it means. I think what you mean is something like “really.” And why is Arrow the boss? Why are they apologizing? Is he the team leader? If so then why is he the worst performer of the team? I don’t understand this bit.
“Ever since did you know what something ‘cool’ is?”
I think that you mean “Since when do you know what ‘cool’ is?” That would straighten out your sentence.
“…even though I was created last month.”’
This part isn’t needed and it seems weird to just tack it on to the end of a sentence like that without really explaining it.
Over all, I liked your thought process. You have a lot of things to work on before it’s polished but I believe that you can do it! Just concentrate on the amazing reviews that you’ve received and go from there. Other than that, I thought it was good and I can’t wait to read more from you! Keep it up!
Good Luck! Happy Writing!
Starleene out!
Thank you.
Hey there!
How should I say this? This story doesn't really have an interesting plot or concept. It's basically a series of events you're describing, and the reader doesn't want all this. What the reader wants to see is conflict, either between characters or between characters and the environment. What the read wants to see is something unusual happening here, not just some guy walking around trying to find his team mates.
What you need to work on here is the plot. Expose the plot as soon as possible. Jump straight into it if needed. Don't drag on with those details that bore the reader. Cut those short, and talk more about the team, and how they work with each other. A story becomes more exciting when more characters are in it, not just one character wondering about his life.
I find your style of writing to be very consistent. What I mean is you use the same form of description and narration to describe everything. It's from one point to another, one place to the other. There's many transitions in terms of place and actions here.
What I can tell you is to make the plot get into the story sooner, if needed, create conflict between characters to spice it up. Use less of description and show the characters through their actions and speech instead.
Overall this story has a lot to improve, but if you improve on what I pointed out there should be some pretty major changes here, but it'll make this a better read.
Hope my review helped!
Thanks.