The biggest murder had happened last night. The queen of the United Kingdom has been shot dead. The gun shot to her head is leaving a rather large puddle of red liquid that is steaming out of her head, leaving a mess on the floor. Her lifeless form is white and pale, eyes closed with her hand on her left side of her head. I look over towards the left window, noticing that it had a few gun shots on the panels of the window. The moon lights up the room, the glow illuminating the objects across the area. I stand by the window, looking at the queen dead on the floor. The killer is out there; I can sense it, but where? People are questioning about this unknown person, and I’m determined to find out who this person is.
People always question my methods on finding the killers and criminals, but they always work in the end. Every person I meet always raised their brows or shakes their heads in disappointment, much to my displeasure. I’m the most, as some people say, the smartest yet weirdest man in London. My brown hair always seems to blow each time the wind comes, as my eyes harden on the case I’m solving. I walk throughout the streets, eyeing for any clues among these parts of town. Whenever a crime or murder hits, I’m straight on the scene, looking for any DNA evidence. My right hand man, Shane, always says that I have to mind my own business, but I don’t intend to that piece of information he gives me. For my name is Cash Everturn, the English Detective.
I can hear the police and detective force coming from every corner. I just stroll around the room, taking in the grand place. The queen had such nice taste, I must admit. Her portrait of herself is on the wall behind her bed, portraying her stern yet calm self. Her eyes stare into anyone’s soul, like daggers stabbing your heart. She has a questioning look in her eye, telling the people that are looking at it that she hides something. What is she hiding though, that is the question.
Thunder explodes in the sky as footsteps are heard throughout the palace. I guessing the police and the investigators have discovered this after me. I find this odd, although I couldn’t dwell on the thought for long before the doors slammed open, revealing the head of the police department and a few other lads. They all stare at me, expecting an answer. I just raise a brow, how am I supposed to know the answer now? People are so demanding. The chief of the police force shows up, glaring at me.
I sigh, “Good evening, general. How are you on this fine evening?”
He hisses, “Cut to the chase, Cash. Who killed the queen and why are you here?”
I chuckle, “I’m here because of why you guys are here; I’m here to find out who killed this fine lady that used to be here.” I smirk, “Why are you here? Trying to get in everyone’s way?”
“Enough, Cash!” He shouts, pointing towards the exit, “Get out! You don’t belong here and you never will!”
I sigh, strolling out the door, “Just remembers this, general…” I stare, “You will never find the killer; it’s just logic.”
“Oh, and you will?”
I smirk, “We shall see, general.” I shut the door and walk into the other direction, minding my own business like a passer.
I walk out of this grand building, and onto the streets. My right hand man should be picking me up soon, my car in current repair. Pity it is, I would really like to go to the science building and take a look at some of the DNA evidence I’ve gotten. Most of them are finger prints, but one is a footprint. A shoe print that has been printed by the blood of the queen, and now it’s in my hand on a piece of paper. Even though I would not find DNA evidence from this, however I will find if the killer is female or male. It’s hard to define it now, with all the blood dripping off the page. However, I will find the persons gender.
A car pulls up in front of me, just your everyday black Mazda. The person inside is gesturing me to come in, as I did. I slid in, staring out the window. The rain is just bucketing down upon the good of mankind. I tell the driver to take me to a science lab, quickly I might add. He just raises a brow, before following my orders. We pass building after building, the lights of the streets becoming one line. We move at a rather fast pace, everything becomes a blur. The rain comes down on everything, drenching everything in sight with tears. Families rush pass the crowds and make it towards their homes, while everyone else is moving fast on their heels to dry shelter.
We pass the city and move deep into the country side. The scene is wet, dripping in water while the animals have seemed to be moved out of the picture. So far, nothing is seen in sight, not a building or country town in the area. I sigh, my eyes glancing at my driver. He seems to be more quiet and serious rather than his annoying whiny self for a change. I wonder what’s on his mind; he seems to be also deep in thought.
I cough, beckoning his attention, “Shane, why so serious? Aren’t you going to complain about anything?”
He sighs, “It just that…Sir, where do ya think the killer will strike next?”
I chuckle, looking out the window, “In honesty, I haven’t got a clue now. However, I have a vague idea in where this person might go next.”
“Oh? Where?”
“America. More pacifically, Washington D.C.” I chuckle at his expression, “Any inquiries?”
“Many! That’s where I was born and raised, sir! Why would the killer strike there?!”
“Why for the president of course.”
There was a silence, and when he did answered, it was a whisper, “Do ya think the killer will kill all the world leaders, sir?”
I nod, “I believe so. I don’t know why yet, but it’ll pop up soon enough…” The car pulled up into the lab, and we stepped out into the rain. It patted our hair, crying into my shoulder. We walk back, and I stop, looking at Shane. I sigh, “Once I find out, I shall find the killer, no matter if it takes, understand?”
He opens the door, smirking, “Oh, I understand alright….” He walks into the building, “I understand that you’re an idiot who doesn’t mind his own business.”
I enter the building, sighing. Onto the matter at hand, to find out the gender of the killer.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there, AwesomeSauce!
I remember I said I was interested in this way back, but it's taken me a while to get around to writing a review on it - sorry about that. But, here I am, so let's get on with the useful bit - the review!
Now, the first thing that strikes me when I read this is about your first line (first impressions and all that). What strikes me is that the tense feels a bit confused. You start with "had happened", and then move into "has", which feels off. I think the best way I could describe this is in terms of "steps into the past". So, we start with present tense ("I am"), and step back once to past ("I was"), and once again into what I thiiink is called pluperfect, but don't quote me on that ("I had been"). Now, when you're writing a story, you tend to keep your main flow of narration in past or present, and talk about things that happened before the story in 'one step back'. So, for this present tense story, you would talk about the night before in one step back - the past. "The biggest murder happened last night. / The queen has been shot and I must find out who did it." But if you were doing it in the past tense, you would shift it all back a step: "The biggest murder had happened the night before. / The queen had been shot, and I needed to find out who did it.". I don't know if this is a "set in stone rule", and there are probably exceptions and weird cases I haven't thought about, but it's a kind of idea of what feels a bit weird about your opening.
That grammar point out of the way, let's talk about your story overall. I do like mystery and detective fiction - especially since I'm really bad at remembering who turned out to be the bad guy in the end (though I tend to be able to remember the really useless details, of course), so I get to reread it and still enjoy the mystery. Now, I get the impression that you're going for a kind of Sherlock character in this one - highly intelligent, unorthodox-methods private detective. However, even with such a character, it's important that you make the deductions believable. Of particular note here are: first, the telling of gender from something he has picked up (I'm not sure if it's a footprint or some blood?), and second, the speed with which Cash determines the killer's plan and next target.
The first of these is unbelievable because, be it footprint or blood, I very much doubt Cash would be able to tell gender. It seems too great a leap, even for a Sherlock character. The important thing about Sherlock is that, although they at first seem incredible, all his deductions are based in leaps that we can follow after he explains them - telling a limp from the imprint of shoes in mud, for example, or dog ownership from hairs on trousers.
The second is unbelievable for similar reasons. We could believe that Cash, after two victims, realises that all the world leaders are at risk, but so far all he's done is stand in a room with one victim, and yet he's leapt to knowing exactly what will happen next. I suggest spinning this out a bit, giving him a bit more evidence to work with, and letting him come to the conclusion a bit later - still before Shane, but not quite as inhumanly fast!
(If you want to make Cash seem inhumanly amazing, I wonder how you'd feel about writing from Shane's perspective? That's how it works with Holmes and Watson - Holmes is working logically, but to keep the suspense before his deductions are explained, we hear about it from Watson's point of view. Just thought I'd throw it out there.)
Finally, a few little points that I figured I'd bring up. One: I don't think "general" is a rank in the British police force - more usual ranks to find in mystery novels are (in increasing order of rank) constable, sergeant, inspector and chief inspector, and if they're in the plain-clothes department (things like murder inquiries rather than on-the-street-in-uniform), add 'detective' to the front and you can shorten them to DC, DS, DI, DCI. Two: I think you mean "specifically, Washington DC". And three: it seems a bit weird that Cash calls himself "the English Detective" - why not just drop some hints to his Englishness, such as his location, his usual places to hang out, or someone American reacting to his accent?
I do look forward to reading more about Cash's investigation - if you let me know when you post more, I'll come read (and review, if you like). Similarly for any later drafts you make of this! I hope that I've been able to say some helpful things, and if you've got any questions about what I've said, do feel free to message me about it. Otherwise, happy writing!
Cadi x
Hey there!
I've pretty much been a fan of mystery novels, it's the suspense that really gets me on my toes. However, a good mystery novel has to be logical too. Don't be too exaggerated, it sorts of makes the story ridiculous and more of a comedy than actual mystery.
For the most part, I can see Cash is pretty confident of himself. He's the first to arrive at the scene, seems to take everything in, and brushes off the insults of the others and even retorts them. He's the type of detective that solves every mystery yes? That's the problem. Every character has to have some kind of flaw, or else the story won't be interesting. Now I can't spot a flaw here just yet. But I'm pretty confident and even hoping the investigation won't be that easy, or else the gist of it is lost. If the mystery is solved too easily it's pretty anti climatic.
One huge problem here is the way you use your words. I know you're trying to use imagery to describe a scene, but the wrongs words used just make it very funny. It's amusing, but for this I'm going to have to do quite a large correction.
So there's that, and also I would recommend you do some research on forensics and such before writing this story. Realism is important in this case since you're dealing with scientific evidence.
Hope my review helped!
Thanks! It did!