Adventure is not outside man; it is within - George Eliot
The sun beams down on my face, causing me to flinch. My hands feel about the ground, only to find grains of sand scooping out of my fingers. The scent of the ocean sweeps my nose, causing me to sneeze. I groan, sitting up blinking, glancing around. A rum bottle is beside me, an empty one at that, which is a downfall; I need rum right now. The place is deserted, no man in sight, which could only mean one thing.
My bastard crew dumped me here. I thought they were joking about sending me to a deserted island, but apparently not. I don’t even remember much about my night, all I remember was rum, and lots of it. My crew were practically feeding it to me, spoon full after spoon fall, except for the fact that I practically drank all the rum we had. I remember one of my men, I believe it was my first mate, saying that I don’t run the ship right and I should be sent overboard. I always knew that the stupid bastard would do this to me, such a heart he has. Yet again, who has a heart on my ship? We’re pirates, so of course they’ll send their captain overboard.
I stand, beginning to explore the place. It appears that I have lost my hat, which is such a shame to be honest, that was my favourite hat. My pistol is in my hand, just sitting there as I search this place. I’m guessing my ‘crew’ thought that I’ll shoot myself for the sake of humanity, but what do they know. I’m Captain Brunilda, the most feared captain over the seven seas, a Spanish delinquent. People will either run and cower or cheer happily for some odd reason if I pass them. People don’t understand what I tend to do to them if they annoy me, so that’s one of the many reasons why some people never tend to exist again. It’s not my fault; it’s not my fault that the bastards never listen to a word I say.
I walk along the ocean line, looking at the footprints behind me. Each time I leave a mark in the sand, the ocean just washes it away. I sigh as I make my way over to this cave, crouching down so I can walk through it. Water drips off the cave walls as I walk deep in it, seeing a light on the other side. My head jerks up, hitting the ceiling of the cave. I winch, but run towards the light, realising that it was an exit. Once I was out, I was met with a town.
Such a peaceful town it is. Well, peaceful in my eyes. It’s normal, with the common people shoving past one another to get to their destination, some even bumping into each other, arguing as their belongings drop to the floor. There are children playing throughout the streets, while their parents just chat about the common good of mankind. At the corner of my eye, I see the shipping docks, with men unloading the deliveries from across the globe. I wonder where the pirates are around here, there seems to be none.
Since I’m here, I might as well see if there’s a local bar. I walk throughout the town, people rushing past me in fear of me giving them death. I groan, walking past these people, I don’t care right now, unless some fool decides to pick pocket. The place seems like it has pick pockets around, so I’ll keep my guard. Unlike her, the lady just got her purse stolen and is doing nothing about it. What does she expect anyone to do, go be her hero, save the day and get nothing in return? Well, I’m sorry lady, but that’s not how it works, stupid woman.
I notice a pub around the corner, Fisherman’s Retreat. Funny name, if I do say so. I sigh, opening the door, only to see all the men cheering for me. Why do they do that for, they must be drunk? I make my way up to the bar tender, slamming my hands on the counter. I smirk, “Ya got any rum on ya?”
He laughs, “I do, miss! Just hold on!” I nod, waiting. I notice that this place is full of sailors, which gives me an idea. My crew and my ship is somewhere, so I might as well make a new crew and try and see if I can get a ship. The bartender comes back, handing me my drink, “So, what brings the infamous Captain Brunilda doin’ around these parts of the English shores?”
I take a drought, sighing, “I was dumped here by my crew. Ya don’t know what it’s like.”
He laughs, “Ya know something? People in this very pub are sailors, lookin’ fer new captains and stuff in case yer interested.”
“Actually,” I take another sip, “I was lookin’ for new crew. Have any tables spare?”
He looks around, pointing at one, “Right there.”
I nod, strolling over, “Another, mate!”
Immediately as I put up a notice by yelling, a line formed in front of the table, a rather long one at that. My pistol lies on the table, while the rum was in my hands, sloshing over the brim. I take a look at these men, turning down most of them due to their looks and what they’re good at. I don’t need a baker and stuff like that; all I need is a chef, a few bastard crew members, a first mate and a cabin boy. Man after man, sailor after sailor, I only accepted what I think is acceptable. By dawn, I had managed to get every person but one, the cabin boy.
The sun rises, as all the men exit the pub, leaving me and a few other people inside. I look at them, only to find that there were not worthy of being my crew. One of the men in here kept staring at me, smirking. I stand, walking out.
I need to find a ship, at whatever cause. As I walk out, I notice a ship that caught my eye. The Little Charlotte, the well-made ship, and it’s going to all mine. I just need a diversion; I need a person who is stupid enough to let me steal that ship so I can get my voyage started.
I’m going on the voyage to find the City Of Atlantis. It may seem like a stupid thing to do, rightly so, with the bastards I made a crew, but I will find that stupid place, no matter what it takes.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello there!
Starleene here!
I’m here to review your work! So let’s get started, shall we?
The first thing I notice is that you like commas; a lot of commas. You use way too many commas and quite frankly, it’s distracting.
"...grains of sand scooping out of my fingers.”
Scooping? I think you mean falling? Scooping is the act of picking up.
“A rum bottle is beside me, an empty one at that…
No comma needed just add and in place of the comma and you’re good as gold.
“My crew were practically feeding it to me, spoon full after spoon fall, except for the fact that I practically drank all the rum we had.”
Spoonful of rum? That sounds strange. In this sentence there is no need for the word except because you’re not comparing two things.
“My pistol is in my hand, just sitting there as I search this place.”
The gun is just sitting in the MCs hand? Wouldn’t they have noticed in the first place? I don’t understand this sentence.
“People will either run and cower or cheer happily for some odd reason if I pass them. People don’t understand what I tend to do to them if they annoy me, so that’s one of the many reasons why some people never tend to exist again.”
This is a strange explanation? Not only do you use “tend” twice, in both sentences you’re basically saying the same thing. It is a very strange paragraph indeed.
“I winch, but run towards the light, realising that it was an exit. Once I was out, I was met with a town.”
Winch? Strange I don’t remember seeing this word in the dictionary. Very clever but alas it’s not a word. I believe the word you’re looking for is either “flinch” or “wince” and lucky for you, they both work in this sentence.
“ It’s normal, with the common people shoving past one another to get to their destination, some even bumping into each other, arguing as their belongings drop to the floor.”
Shoving and bumping are synonyms for each other so in other words you’re restating that the townspeople are bumping each other out of the way.
“…rushing past me in fear of me giving them death.”
I don’t believe that a town of people would be scared of one person; if they had their crew with them, then maybe, but not a marooned captain. The captain would probably be killed because of all the people he/she killed. They wouldn’t go lightly.
“I sigh, opening the door, only to see all the men cheering for me. Why do they do that for, they must be drunk? I make my way up to the bar tender…”
Why are the men cheering? Realistically, they wouldn’t be cheering, they would be glaring. And bartender is one word.
“I take a drought, sighing, “I was dumped here by my crew. Ya don’t know what it’s like.””
To be marooned by ones crew is considered a disgrace and any sailor worth his salt would never sail under his again.
“…them due to their looks and what they’re good at. I don’t need a baker and stuff like that; all I need is a chef, a few bastard crew members, a first mate and a cabin boy.”
A captain, especially a pirate captain would be looking for the most gruesome crew. They didn’t care what they looked like as long as they could fight and sail. They wouldn’t call the cook a chef either. Usually a pirate ship would consist of: The captain, first mate, boatswain, sailing master, navigator, master carpenter, pilot, master gunner, gunner, sail maker, cook, surgeon, cooper, cabin boy, striker, sailors, powder monkey, and musicians. All of these men would be considered the lowest of the low. No respectable man would be caught dead on a pirate ship.
You seem quite taken with the word bastard. There are other pirate’s lingo you should look up that way you have a sense of the way the pirates talked. Rarely was a pirate ever educated and so wouldn’t have such a well cultured tongue as your pirate it.
Otherwise, very well done! I can see some promise! Keep working on it and do your research!
Good Luck!
Starleene Out.
Thanks!
Hey there
"I don’t even remember much about my night, all I remember was rum, and lots of it. My crew were practically feeding it to me, spoon full after spoon fall, except for the fact that I practically drank all the rum we had."
My first thought here was how weird it seemed to be drinking rum by spoonfuls lol. Having a bunch of pirates spoon-feeding each other just didn't seem very pirate-like to me x)
"I winch, but run towards the light, realising that it was an exit. Once I was out, I was met with a town."
I think you created a new word here, winch, which sounds kinda cool, but I think it's just a cross between wince and flinch x)
"I make my way up to the bar tender, slamming my hands on the counter."
Bartender should be one word
Alrighty, so this is a pretty good first chapter, and I think if you add a little more it could be even better.
I think you could use some more description. There weren't really any parts in here that just sat us down as readers and described things, except maybe that beginning paragraph. I didn't even know the main character was a girl until the bartender called her miss.
Also, it's a bit hard for me to connect to your main character, just because she seems so non-caring about everything. lines like this:
--It may seem like a stupid thing to do, rightly so, with the bastards I made a crew, but I will find that stupid place, no matter what it takes.
I need a person who is stupid enough to let me steal that ship so I can get my voyage started.
I take a look at these men, turning down most of them due to their looks and what they’re good at--
I mean, that's just how I feel, but if I can't connect to the main character or if I'm annoyed by them it makes it pretty difficult to keep following the story.
If you wanted to make this character hard-hearted, I suggest you still throw in some characteristics that are likable. Maybe she has a great sense of humor? Maybe get us to sympathize with her because she was abandoned by her crew? anything, really.
Hope this review was helpful!
Thanks! It was!