His life

Okay, so I am here for a review if you do not mind. Welcome to YWS! Really all together is was amazing.
There is a few mistakes with grammar but honestly i don't really correct those. But i love how you described her, you made us picture her appearance. But what i got stuck on was, you said that she turned to drugs, but you didn't state the reason that she turned to drugs. All you said was that her mom was yelling at you and that you took her to drug rehab and everything else. You didn't state the reason why she turned to drugs. (i am very sorry if this poem is based off of true events that occurred in your past) but this piece could use a bit of work. The beginning of this was a bit, non eventful. It didn't really grab my attention, or make me want to keep reading. All through this I didn't feel in a hurry or excited for the next sentence. It could use some more work for grabbing our attention in the beginning. I also noticed how your first paragraph was about the girl, Lauran was abusing drugs and everything, but later on, maybe around the third paragraph it changed to all of the other relationships that the narrator had and why they didn't really work out. Something I would suggest would be stick to the first one. Explains why she turned to drugs, tell us how it affected you and why. I understand that that you, or the narrator, loved her, but why else did it conflict you? But this piece I feel some people will be able to relate with this, and it was pretty emotional all together. Even though it didn't really grab my attention or keep me on the edge of my seat waiting for the next sentence or event. But it is really good.. And I hope to see more work from you and see how you improve!! Thank you so much for sharing with us.
~bvbAngel

I enjoyed your story and I did not find any major mistakes. There were a few missing comas, but nothing really stuck out too much. You created a very emotional atmosphere in the story, which is very important. Especially, in a drama. Your drama was not over the top, or tacky and you can almost see the character in real life. (Sorry if this was based on a true story). My only complaint is the second to last paragraph. Though I believe in ProLife I would want to drag such a sensitive topic into your story. However, you handled it pretty well. Like I said earlier you weren't over the top. Just keep in mind to always be careful with these kind of topics. Overall great poem and keep writing!

Hey there AvaFaye, welcome to YWS!
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review

Line-by-Line/Nit-picks

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Grammar/Spelling
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I still remember her as she was[comma] before she turned to drugs. She had Beautiful long blond hair with and shining blue eyes. Her laugh always sent shivers through my spine. [COLOR=blue"Through my spine" feels and sounds a bit weird since the saying is typically "down my spine" but it's not grammatically wrong so if you want to keep it, then go for it.[/COLOR] She filled me with love from the time we were in 8th grade until till we were seniors in high school. Ok, not a bad start. I think it has enough to hold the reader in but if I were you I would consider making it a bit stronger. Give it a bit more of a punch. I think the weakest point of this opening is that you start off giving us a description of this girl. Starting off with description isn't always a bad thing but what you gave us is pretty cliché and boring. I would love to see something more original then a blonde girl with blue eyes.

We were both so young and I don’t think we truly understood what love meant or how to show it, but that did not stop us. I still have stacks of letters and pictures of us together that I have never been strong enough to throw away. They are a reminder of my first love, Lauran and how I ruined her. Ok, so grammatically I couldn't see anything wrong but like I said above, this is pretty cliché. Remember that what ever idea you have has most likely been written before so you want to write something different/better. Give your readers more of an impact.

Even though we were dating dated for so long [comma] it seemed to happen so fast. What exactly happened so fast? Was it Lauran turning to drugs? Was it the relationship? I have my ideas on what it is your narrator is talking about but right now the writing is a little obscure. Maybe you could make it a bit clearer. Her mother yelling in my face how it was my fault. How I was the reason she turned to needles as a form of reassurance. I would combine these two sentences together. I tried to help her. I even took her to rehab twice [comma] she just never took to the program.[missing a space]This is more of a "nit-picky" thing but you used the word 'took' twice in this sentence and it felt a little repetitive. I loved her so much but I had to watch watched her wither away, [<-remove comma] just to a ghost of her former self. When it was became too much for me to bare and my heart could no longer handle the hammering abuse[comma] we drifted apart. Quick question: the "hammering abuse" was it directed to the narrator form Lauran or does it represent something different?

That seems to define my life in general [colon] hammering abuse. When I was 12 marked the first time my aunt raped me for the first time. She had turned the cartoon we were watching up so no one could would hear me scream. For a year It went on for a year before I got had the nerve to speak up. Most laughed, how could a boy get raped?Ok, so with the chance of being argued at, I crossed this line out for the reason that people typically wouldn't respond this way to someone confessing rape. Generally, yes, men are less likely to come forward and therefore the number of rape cases seen in men are smaller however everyone knows that it's a possibility. To have people in your story laugh at the fact that a young boy got rapped just feels way to unrealistic. I could understand some skepticism but not blatant laughing. But then again, if this is the environment that you wanted for your character then go for it, just know that it isn't too sound. For me[comma] it is not a it's no joke[comma] to this day I feel her on me when I make love to this day. I can feel her breath on me and her mouth. We already know that your character can "feel her" you don't need to say it again. She has tainted me. I pray for the day I can lay with the women I love [comma] without the thought of her entering my mind. I fear that day will never come though.

The next women I fell in love with after Lauran was Holly. We had a rather happy relationship till until she went off for to the navy. She told me she would come back for me. She promised she would. Combine the previous two sentences. I whole heartedly believed it. I pictured her and I’s our life together but that picture came crumbling down when she came back, [<-replace comma with a semi-colon] she did not come back for me. She came back for her ex. It took me almost a year to get over her.

I have known her Kiara for about three years[comma] she helped me with Holly. We fell in love she was amazing. The wording of this sentence is rather weird. If I were you I would consider rewording it a bit but if you don't want to, then you should add a comma after "love" Well, until she got pregnant. I was so happy when I heard the news. I’ve always wanted a child, even if we were not quite in the position to have him. Couple things here. One, change "him" to "one" since you don't mention the sex of the child anywhere else, plus grammatically it would flow better. Two, combine the first two sentences together. However, I came home after my shift at work one day and found abortion paperwork. This may sound like a stupid question, but where did your character find the paperwork. Was it on the counter/desk etc.. or was it in a bag/drawer etc? The reason why I ask this is because most women who have an abortion and don't tell their partners typically don't want them to know. Therefore it doesn't make sense that Kiara left the paperwork out- unless she planned on your character knowing that she had one. She had killed my baby. I had never felt loss like that this. I would never get to hold or hear my baby.

My life has thus far been nothing but let downs. I still hold on to the hope that I will find true love. That someone will wash away the my fears and anxieties. Someone to calm me when I wake up screaming from my nightmares. I still hold on to the hope that one day I will find that person who will make me truly smile.Again, this a pretty cliché paragraph. It also doesn't quite fit the character of a man. Yeah-yeah I know, don't stereotype people, but reading this, I honestly thought your character was a female --until the part of the child that is. I understand that not every guy has to be super macho or tough or whatnot, but the characterization of this person just doesn't feel whole. But that's just another thought to chew on.

Hi Ava!

You have a great story here but there are a couple things that caught my attention. I won't talk about any grammar stuff (I'm not confident enough in my own abilities to be able to even think about critiquing haha) but there two other main things that I would like to touch on.

First off, you touched on a lot of very emotional and powerful moments (drug abuse, rape, abortion etc) while there is absolutely nothing wrong with this (writing is often charged by strong emotions) I don't know if it was your intention to address all of these thing so quickly. If this is a stylistic choice than go with it, but as a reader I feel quite overwhelmed by all these events while not really getting closer to the main character. Consider developing your character more by going more in depth with these conflicts and how they him.

Also I would consider trying to vary your sentence structure to make your prose flow better. I trick that I use is to read through my work and see how many sentences start with "I" or "My" for example and rephrase a couple of them.

Good work and keep on writing!

Lots of love,
Maya