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Young Writers Society



Techno-Heads - Chapter 1

by Auxiira


I'm posting this, but the novel is on hiatus and I won't be updating after the second chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't know anything about hacking or anything like that. Please feel free to correct me.

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"...The Rebels are around N1 and 2 today. They're on raids at the moment so watch your backs. The Guvs are going to NE1 , scouting. There's going to be some fighting if they meet. Watch you backs, and if you don't want a fight, stay out of the way. This is Drifter Triah saying stay alive out there!" She flicked a switch and music filled the room. Turning off her mike, she sighed and stood up, keeping her bluetooth headphones on. Two years since WW3 had ended and she had started airing Drifter Radio and she still hadn't been discovered. he had her radio frequency, one of only five left in America, maybe even the world and with it, she aired music and information about where the two main groups left in America would be to help Drifters, who weren't part of either group.

Triah walked into the corridor then through the door on her left and pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge. She was lucky to have enough food and water and a roof over her head. In fact, she had ten metres of soil over her head. Living in an underground bunker that her father a radio spy had left her, she only came out once every two weeks to resupply from the Scavengers.

As soon as she knew how to press buttons, her father had taught her how to use his satellite radio station. before leaving on military service,where he had ultimately lost his life, he had taught her how to spy on secure radio signals. They both served her well in this new America.

There were two main power groups now, the Governers (Guvs for short) and the Rebels. The Guvs wanted to reinstall a structured society in America. To do that, they had to reunite all of the quads (starting from the east) and get everyone to join them. Which wasn't going to happen whilst the rebels existed. They were led by the strongest soldier. Determined to stop the progression of the Guvs' take over, they had taken over most of the west. They were led by a 17 year old boy called Lei who she hated. The Guvs' leader wasn't much better in her eyes. Eio was also 17 and her personal opinion was that he was a psychopath. She was surprised anyone put up with him. But they did. Each group had their own frequency.

There were two other defined groups. The Scavengers, who used the abandoned farms, orchards and anything else really to well, scavenge food and mechanical pieces that anyone needed. They brought her food every two weeks and any pieces that she needed for her computers or the generator. They had their own frequency. Then there were the Drifters, the people who didn't want to join the Rebels or the Guvs and who just wanted to scavenge for themselves. Survivors. Triah kept the Drifter frequency going. Then there was the SOS frequency that was rarely used, if ever. No one wanted to get involved with someone they didn't like. Triah wasn't really a Drifter. She wasn't any of the other ones either. She was alone. She was the last Techno-head.

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304 Reviews

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Sun May 26, 2013 5:14 pm
barefootrunner wrote a review...



Hi there!
barefootrunner to review your piece :) I see you around the SBs quite often, but less hereabouts. In any case, on to the review!

I enjoyed reading this. It was quite easy, light and flowing with quality grammar and simple words. It gives over a lot of information without killing the storyline and sets everything well into context.

Just beware of simply dumping information without any precedent for it. Perhaps have a Scavenger come around and explain it while it's happening. Otherwise it can feel as though you just want to set the scene and get it over with as quickly as possible.

Also check out your sentence structure. You have sentences rivaling those of the French. *stalks you* Oh, you are French, right? That explains it. So, having so many long sentences tends to make your work harder to read :) I'll give a sample:

She had her radio frequency, one of only five left in America, maybe even the world and with it, she aired music and information about where the two main groups left in America would be to help Drifters, who weren't part of either group.


This one is a little too long. You get sort of tangled up in the middle and have to double-take it.

You had decent character development. You could do more, but it is not necessary. You gave readers a good idea of the space in which it happens, so well done!

Overall, a pleasant and light work I really enjoyed!

Keep writing!
barefootrunner




Auxiira says...


My info dumps are a recurring problem.
Also *indignantly*
I am not a frenchie. I'm English and live in France. Not the same thing. ^^



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Tue Apr 16, 2013 12:11 am
Shady wrote a review...



Hey Xiira!

Shady here with a review, as requested. :)

Nit picks first...

Watch your backs


Living in an underground bunker that her father a radio spy had left her, she only came out once every two weeks to resupply from the Scavengers.
~ Try: "She lived in an underground bunker that her father, a radio spy, left her. She only left it twice per month, to resupply from the Scavengers."

before leaving on military service,where he had ultimately lost his life, he had taught her how to spy on secure radio signals.
~ "Before being sent on a mission he never returned from, he taught her how to spy on seemingly secure radio signals." (If they were really secure, she couldn't spy on it. xP)
~
Overall, this really felt like an outline that dearly needs fleshed out. The first paragraph is the only one that even remotely feels like it's 'showing' us anything. The rest of it is 'telling' us what is happening, which is bad. Try slowing it down, and *showing* us more of what's going on. Show us a flash back of her dad, in his military camo, his sweaty brown hair plastered to his forehead, bending over his daughter, adjusting her earphones, tweaking the knobs until the static cleared and she could hear the-- you get the idea.

But it's an interesting idea. I'd like to see where you go with this. :D

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




Auxiira says...


Thanks for the review Shady! As I said, this is on hiatus and won't be worked on until Thief Assassin is finished (hopefully), but when I take it back up, I'll certainly take your ideas into account.



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Fri Apr 05, 2013 7:56 pm
ArcticMonkey wrote a review...



Hi Auxii! Here to review as requested! :D

So firstly, nitpicks in the spoiler (there weren't many):

Spoiler! :
Watch your backs, and if you don't want a fight, stay out of the way.

Two years since WW3 had ended and she had started airing Drifter Radio and she still hadn't been discovered

Double use of and, try using a different connective.


Overall, I thought that this was a really good first chapter. It set the scene really well and raised a lot of questions which makes me want to read on. There was some stuff revealed about the characters and things that weren't, which is fine because we can find out later ;) What you did tell about the characters was very good because it gave enough away to keep the reader interested, but wasn't really dull and boring. This chapter also gave lots of plot information about the different groups of people which was good, but I think that they could be described slightly better because right now I feel it's a bit boring. To do this you could just make the language slightly more interesting so the reader feels to read on.

However, so far, the plot is working really well even if it hasn't been described as much. The characters and the plot seem to work well together so far which makes it more realistic to read. It sort of makes sense so far, I still have a few questions, but I'm sure they'll be answered later on. As a sci-fi story, your plot fits it very well. I know I keep saying plot even though I'm not really sure of a clear story-line, I just know the background information. That's one thing I think could be slightly improved, this chapter seems to just be all information based and no real action happens. I think, as it's a first chapter, something really exciting ought to happen straight away. You don't have to do this, however, it's just a thought ;)

Obviously, the characters haven't been revealed completely right now, I still think they're quite good, as I mentioned earlier for what you've got so far. They seem to be quite different and your MC is slowly building up. Again, because your plot hasn't really started yet your characters don't seem to be doing anything, we just know a bit about their background which is helpful but is slightly boring. So maybe you could either more depth to the characters or let something happen to them.

Your POV was maintained really well and there didn't seem to be any technical issues with your story so well done! :) I think however, as the writer, your telling too much and I know the first chapter is supposed to set the theme for everything but I think different things need to be shown through different forms, which could be dialogue or the action of a character just so it's not too much on the author's side. Also, your sentences were really good and your grammar also. As for language, I think I'd like to see more in depth descriptions of the settings, or characters or even both. Just to build up more imagery.

I hope my review helped! You said you won't be posting after the second chapter, but I would love to see more! PM me with any questions or if you want another review!

Keep Writing!
-Arc





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