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Rise Above

by AutumnDawn

My rival lays in the river

My concern and doubt lays in the rocks near by

They say i'm insane they say

what i did was injustice

but what i did was not cruel or inhuman

But there was a horde of them

A horde of monstrous beasts I refused to let them separate me

From my knowledge I had the spirit to be the fearless i had the longing

I had the longing to arise to climb to the top of the mountain

they say it is forbidden Because people like us

shouldn't roam that far from the black gates

Unless we see the gold that shines like the sun in the sky but brighter

It was scarce scarce for someone like me to arise

My kind of my people run and hide from the freedom from the free will of the warriors

Many say to us Will those who dare to walk into the town full of darkness

That rising is not like the sinful taste of snug and compact pain and fear

Like we thought But it tastes

like the sorcery magic like freedom and glory more than that

But we couldn't be told to stop and drop what we were doing to do something they told us Because we obeyed them

the soothing touch familiarity left behind

I made a special decision

Once the lights of the sun shined through my gates i run

I run over the unit of doubt the unit of fear

I run over the unit of lies

I run from the stressful life of mine

From the strict voices from the strong and the fearful beasts

the people they had called them the supreme fear

The one thing the one beast that hold me back

Now I  see they were wrong the voices were wrong

the brightness didn't matter

I was tired of the fear

Now I see  I won

as I glance of the edge of the mountain

viewing the black gates

And the people who didn't know what they would be missing

I see the world lite up in gold In light and it is the sun that made it gold

I won the battle the battle of fear and doubt now you see I  have free will

The free will to be me I have won your honor I have won my will back

So do what you will

i have but one plea

A plea that one day all those who want to conquer

Let them conquer them

Like those before them they shall be the ones that make the world brighter

They will remember those who have conquered before them

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Points: 306
Reviews: 4

Sat Oct 06, 2018 8:25 pm
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AmberSunset wrote a review...

Hi there! This was a very empowering poem. It was quite enjoyable to read. However, I did get lost here and there. The spacing of the poem isn’t working for me. But that is an easy fix! There were also punctuational and grammatical errors. Capitalizing the “I” is a good start, and capitalizing he beginning of a new sentence. And here: “It was scarce scarce for someone like me to arise”. Scarce was repeated. Again, simple fix! Many of your errors are easily solvable. It was a good poem overall. Keep on writing :)

AutumnDawn says...

I meant to repeat the scarce part. and sometimes my grammar is really bad. thanks for the review

AmberSunset says...

Oh okay! I wasn%u2019t sure so I thought I%u2019d point it out to be safe.
And we all have our own problems. You%u2019ll work it out!

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1238 Reviews

Points: 35807
Reviews: 1238

Wed Oct 03, 2018 4:12 pm
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niteowl wrote a review...

Hi there AutumnDawn and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review this interesting narrative poem.

This starts out strong. We have a simple image followed by a metaphor of the speaker's concern and doubt lying nearby. Just a minor grammatical quibble-"lay" should be "lie" for the person (and maybe the metaphorical concern and doubt). This is a common grammatical error that confuses me almost every time I see it, so here's a handy dandy reference: ... versus-lie.

Then we find ourselves in the story of the speaker's life up to that moment of victory in the first two lines. This speaker longs to be free and powerful despite coming from a timid and obedient people under the control of warriors and fearful beasts. The speaker decides to escape and finds freedom. It's an interesting story, and I find myself thinking that it's a metaphor for breaking free of society's restraints.

However, I think the poem could be stronger overall. The structure of the poem makes it difficult to understand what is going on. You may have had this in stanzas, but unfortunately the Publishing Center tends to eat up that formatting. Formatting poetry #3 this is my preferred method for fixing that problem.

Another issues is the punctuation and capitalization. You may have heard that there's no rules in poetry, that poets can break the rules when it comes to grammar. This is true, but in practice, different forms of grammar work for different types of poems. I generally write narrative style poems like this one, so I tend to use sentence punctuation and capitalization. That is, I punctuate the same way as I would following prose grammar rules and only capitalize when I would in prose (starting a new sentence, proper nouns, "I"). Generally, I think this is a good starting point for most poems, especially a more narrative poem like this one. As it is, the lack of punctuation makes this hard to follow, and the inconsistent capitalization (sometimes at the start of every line, sometimes not, sometimes "I", sometimes "i") also makes this more confusing. I would pick a style and stick with it throughout. These articles may be helpful.

Punctuation in Poetry
Capitalization in Poetry

Also, I'm not sure the use of repetition is that effective in this piece. Repetition is one of those tools that can be awesome but also not-so-awesome. Frequently, you repeat a phrase twice in quick succession, which can add emphasis but here I feel like it takes up space and makes the narrative harder to follow. Instead, I would focus on using the strongest word choice and building up imagery to describe your scene.

i have but one plea

A plea that one day all those who want to conquer

Let them conquer them

Like those before them they shall be the ones that make the world brighter

They will remember those who have conquered before them

This seems like an odd ending to this poem. The core message is about freedom, escaping the conquerors, but this bit seems to be encouraging conquest, which seems strange to me.

Overall, I think this has the potential to be a compelling narrative. Welcome again and keep writing! :D

AutumnDawn says...

thanks for telling me this. I sometimes struggle with grammar. and you are right about it too.
- It's an interesting story, and I find myself thinking that it's a metaphor for breaking free of society's restraints. -
the poem is about breaking free from society restraints.
and the ending is where the speaker has been caught and is on trial for disobeying laws. and they know they are in so much trouble. so they demand things before their punishment is taken place

niteowl says...

Hm...yeah I didn't pick up on that. Perhaps there needs to be some courtroom imagery to make it clear what's happening.

AutumnDawn says...

perhaps... when I write I don't I just keep on going. and than I figure what to do later on.

niteowl says...

Ah, that's fair. Usually I revise at least a little before sharing my work, but everyone has different styles. :)

AutumnDawn says...

sometimes I do as well.

The illiterate of the 21st century will not be those who cannot read and write, but those who cannot learn, unlearn, and relearn.
— Alvin Toffler