Young Writers Society

Hi there! This was a very empowering poem. It was quite enjoyable to read. However, I did get lost here and there. The spacing of the poem isn’t working for me. But that is an easy fix! There were also punctuational and grammatical errors. Capitalizing the “I” is a good start, and capitalizing he beginning of a new sentence. And here: “It was scarce scarce for someone like me to arise”. Scarce was repeated. Again, simple fix! Many of your errors are easily solvable. It was a good poem overall. Keep on writing

Hi there AutumnDawn and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review this interesting narrative poem.

This starts out strong. We have a simple image followed by a metaphor of the speaker's concern and doubt lying nearby. Just a minor grammatical quibble-"lay" should be "lie" for the person (and maybe the metaphorical concern and doubt). This is a common grammatical error that confuses me almost every time I see it, so here's a handy dandy reference: https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/educa ... versus-lie.

Then we find ourselves in the story of the speaker's life up to that moment of victory in the first two lines. This speaker longs to be free and powerful despite coming from a timid and obedient people under the control of warriors and fearful beasts. The speaker decides to escape and finds freedom. It's an interesting story, and I find myself thinking that it's a metaphor for breaking free of society's restraints.

However, I think the poem could be stronger overall. The structure of the poem makes it difficult to understand what is going on. You may have had this in stanzas, but unfortunately the Publishing Center tends to eat up that formatting. Formatting poetry #3 this is my preferred method for fixing that problem.

Another issues is the punctuation and capitalization. You may have heard that there's no rules in poetry, that poets can break the rules when it comes to grammar. This is true, but in practice, different forms of grammar work for different types of poems. I generally write narrative style poems like this one, so I tend to use sentence punctuation and capitalization. That is, I punctuate the same way as I would following prose grammar rules and only capitalize when I would in prose (starting a new sentence, proper nouns, "I"). Generally, I think this is a good starting point for most poems, especially a more narrative poem like this one. As it is, the lack of punctuation makes this hard to follow, and the inconsistent capitalization (sometimes at the start of every line, sometimes not, sometimes "I", sometimes "i") also makes this more confusing. I would pick a style and stick with it throughout. These articles may be helpful.

Punctuation in Poetry
Capitalization in Poetry

Also, I'm not sure the use of repetition is that effective in this piece. Repetition is one of those tools that can be awesome but also not-so-awesome. Frequently, you repeat a phrase twice in quick succession, which can add emphasis but here I feel like it takes up space and makes the narrative harder to follow. Instead, I would focus on using the strongest word choice and building up imagery to describe your scene.

i have but one plea

A plea that one day all those who want to conquer

Let them conquer them

Like those before them they shall be the ones that make the world brighter

They will remember those who have conquered before them