Please let me know what you think, any grammatical issues, and anything that could be improved upon.
Central Park wasn't on the top of her list for places to visit but it was more exciting than the currently lifeless streets of New York City and she was not the type to dawdle indoors. Her eyes wandered aimlessly among the occupants of the park. Everyone seemed to be couples: the people skating, the people trying to keep warm as they sat among the benches, and even the people simply walking around. She frowned with disillusionment of the display of unacquainted happiness. It was a fixation that was truly abominable and the woman was more than jovial to be the impudence in their immaterial infatuation.
She jumped down from where she was perched upon an ancient oak tree and landed stealthily upon her feet. Quickly, she glanced around and made sure no one was within ten meters of her. When the cost was clear, she took a deep breath to steady herself. As she closed her eyes, she placed her hands on the ground before her and made sure they were more than shoulder width apart. She chanted the Latin words that associated with the symbols that her index fingers traced around in a circle about five feet in circumference of the runes for "dog" and "fire".
Once they had formed a whole circle, she finished the chant and slammed her fist into the center of the circles. She snapped her eyes open just as the symbols lit aflame. As she removed her hands from their place, the ground insides of the circles began to crumble back toward the center of the Earth. She slowly stood up and moved back as she gazed in awe. At the same rate, the ground continued to crumble until it reached the border of the circle represented by the symbols. The woman held her breath, and everything remained still.
Then, as she exhaled, the ground shook as a black, flaming paw rose from out of one of the holes and perched itself with a slam upon the earth causing the ground beneath it to crack. Then, emerging from the hole completely, a fierce creature stood before her, teeth bared. The creature looked like a mix between a Great Dane and a Doberman that was all black with flames that moved with the wind. He snarled and the woman stared in dismay at the reaction from the beast.
"Lune?" She inquired. The dog quickly changed from a menacing guard dog to an eccentric puppy greeting his master with licks to the face. She giggled and petted his flaming skin with her gloved hand, "Aww, mommy missed you too. Where's your brother?"
As if in response, another beast identical to the previous one jumped out of the other hole but more clumsily as it met the ground head first. It shook its head but then at the sight of his master, beamed, and ran over to give her his share of doggy kisses.
She laughed at the response and also gave him some pats of greeting. She grinned, "Now that mommy's babies are back, I have a special treat for you." Standing up, she pointed towards the crowd of people that were miles away enjoying their time at the park. She hissed, "Get 'em."
The dogs, once lovable creatures, returned to their malicious blood-thirsty selves as they raced toward the public with sinister intentions on their minds. The woman laughed at the sight of her well-trained Hell Hounds. They were truly a gift from the devil himself. Obviously, she was forced to sell her sold for them and all that other mythical stuff but it was beyond worth it. Besides, Lucifer was merely pansy deriving all his servants fear with show. She could definitely take him. Then again, the woman had always been full of herself.
She snapped her fingers dully and found herself sitting upon a tree branch. While yawning, she leaned back as she waited for her babies to come back with the product of their success. She even considered taking a nap but as she closed her eyes, she heard howling and whimpering. Her eyes shot open wide with shock. Looking down, she was graced with the presence of her precious Hell Hounds running back like cowards. She huffed in rage at the sight. This was not expected.
Jumping down, she stood before them and they slid to a stop before they could collide with their furious master. She bellowed, "How dare you come back to me like this! What is the meaning of this!?"
"Are you the owner of them?" A female voice demanded.
The woman looked up to see another woman who looked to be in her early-twenties. She had straight white-blond hair with light blue tips that she left down. Her eyes were an ocean blue and she had a serene complexion. She had a slender figure but her winter coat and Plain-Jane clothing hid the slender curves of her body. She seemed to reflect the 21st century version of the element water and currently, she stood a few feet before the outraged woman.
The woman bellowed, "Who are you!? How dare you do this to my dogs!"
The other woman frowned, "Your dogs attacked civilians. You're the one in the wrong."
The woman sneered, "Oh, really? Well, let's see how mighty you are." She pointed at the woman, "Get her!"
The dogs quickly returned to their menacing selves and charged after her. The other woman took off running deeper into the woods leaving the master behind as she laughed in mockery. The other woman kept running, tying to devise a plan. She bit her lip in frustration as she tried to focus. Then, as she saw an oak tree with snow still covering it's branches, an idea popped into her. She raised her hands to summon the activity of the water molecules. Right as she passed by it, she pushed her hands back toward the direction of the beasts currently chasing her and the snow went flying.
She stopped in her place as the dogs were hidden in a pile a snow. Sighing in relief, she started to walk back to where the woman was. Then, in a sudden burst, they emerged from the pile of snow and melting it with their now higher burning flames. They growled at the woman, now showing their own heat of rage.
As she started running again, she tried to think of a new idea in a hurried rush. She passed by many trees and ideas popped into her head but nothing came to her that seemed to please her. Then, she thought of something. She took a deep icy breath and when her lung were burning from the amount of air she forced into her system, she stopped in her place and turned to face the hounds. She waited patiently for the right moment and then, she blew all the breath out with all her might with her eyes shut. When she was out of breath, she tried to even her breathing as she opened her eyes to see the two hounds frozen in an ice chuck.
"How dare you!?" Someone bellowed behind her.
She turned around to see the master of the vicious dogs fuming. The woman ran to her icicled dogs and whimpered, "My poor babies!" She sobbed then turned back to glare with ultimate hatred at the other woman, "You'll pay for this!"
Just then, cries of terror were heard from the direction of where the people currently occupying the park were located. Both women diverted their attention to where the screams came from. The master of the dogs stared in shocked and the other woman looked worried.
The angered woman hissed, "Who the heck is making a ruckus without me!?"
The other woman just shook her head and ran toward the direction from which the screaming came. The frustrated woman sighed in annoyance and snapped her fingers. She reappeared in the middle of a crowd, causing someone to run into her, knocking her to the ground. She huffed, "Watch it!" but the person was long gone.
She headed toward the direction the people were running from. When she managed to reach the source, she saw a boy in flames, clutching his body and groaning in pain. Everything he touched, as he tried to crawl forward, lit up just like him. As he raised his face, she instantly recognized the owner. She gasped and shouted with both shock and happiness, "Cal!"
As quickly as her stiletto covered feet could take her, she ran to Cal. She kneeled before him and tried to reach out to him but before should could reach skin, the fire emitted from his body burned her.
"Ouch!" She hissed. Taking in Cal's shape, she tsked, "You've definitely made a mess of yourself."
Just then, snow fell from the branches of a nearby tree and landed upon Cal's body. He groaned and lifted his aching head to see Jaeda kneeling before him with a shocked expression on her face. Jaeda had a very matured, curvaceous body and a tan complexion. The clothing she wore made sure it was known to everyone. She had red wavy hair that she currently had up in a half pony tail and it placed itself perfectly around her face, upon her neck, and with the flow of her body.
Cal on the other hand, had gotten more of a sickly apparel. It wasn't necessarily that he looked unattractive, just more dead. His dark brown eyes were outlined with purplish-black circles from lack of sleep. His complexion was a sickly pale and his once toned body seemed lanky. His black hair with natural red highlights was disheveled and some of it blocked his eyes. He was currently in a random pair of jeans and a T-shirt. If it wasn't for his natural over one-hundred degree temperature Fahrenheit, he'd probably be frozen solid. The snow quickly melted, and he was soaked.
Jaeda hugged him and squealed, "Ah! Cal! I've missed you!"
She moved her head to look at him but he wasn't looking at her. He was looking behind her. She stared at him dumbfounded and turned to see what he was looking at. Jaeda narrowed her brows as she found the woman from before staring at them with a flabbergasted expression upon her innocent face.
"Gwen?" Cal croaked out.
Jaeda starred at him in shock. The woman had a name but above all, Cal was acquainted with the wench! She glanced back and forth between Gwen and Cal. Both of them were awestruck and Jaeda was growing furious with jealousy. She huffed as she wrapped her arms around Cal and helped him up.
Using her snooty British accent, she spoke in a seducing manor, "Love, we must be going. You've been through a lot already."
As she guided him away, she turned her head back and glared threateningly at the pest but when she looked back at Cal, his eyes were still glued to the woman. Jaeda huffed and pulled of his arm to jerk his attention back to her. Once they were out of the park and far from Gwen, Jaeda decided to speak.
She asked coolly, "So, what's with you and the girl?"
He muttered in a trance, "I don't know."
She edged on, "What do you mean, 'I don't know'? You clearly stated the girl's name previously. There's something."
"There's nothing," He stated in his usual monotone, "All I knew was her name. Nothing more."
Jaeda was about to state something but Cal interrupted her, "What are you doing in New York?"
She waved her hand in dismay and squeezed his arm tighter, now glad his attention was diverted to something else, "Ah, Artemis was having one of his premonitions again. He thought it was time to pay this city a visit and low and behold. I found you! How did your, uh, thing go?"
He improvised dully, "My visit with my Aunt and Uncle?"
Jaeda shrugged it off, not particularly caring for the proper information of the situation, "Sure, yeah, that."
He sighed, "My Aunt refuses to talk to me and my Uncle still wants me dead. The usual."
"That's great," Jaeda commented dully. Then she beamed, "So, you're sticking with us again?"
Cal pronounced with no sign of his emotional thoughts to the subject, if he had any, "I guess."
Jaeda grinned, clueless and undaunted by his demeanor, "Lovely. Everyone is going to be ecstatic to see you."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Nah, I know you're not. It's just hard for me because some of the things you guys critique are things that involve the future portions of the story, so it's hard to choose want to use and what not to use.
Well, I think it was confusing because it was hard for me to identify the two women at the beginning. I'm going to do what you suggested and write the description of Jaeda earlier and I'll check to see if that's a little less confusing. If not, I'll go to the extent of the POV.
I like too talk a lot too. And I forget what I am going to say a lot too. I don't want you to be offended by any of my critiques because I am not attacking you or your writing, just trying to be objective. Does that make sense? And in the end I leave all the decisions up to you because you are after all the author. The only major thing that I'd like you to correct in this piece is the point of view, because you jumped around between the characters it got too confusing to read. Other than that I think you did Maaaarrrrvelous!
This is a mixture of psychology and a way for you to interpret the character. It's basically saying she frowns upon relationships based off of love because she believes it's all about material possessions in the end. This is a big part of her character and it comes up a lot when she views Cal and Gwen. So, I'm not too concerned with whether you get it at this point because the point of it will become blunt in the end.
xD She's not surprised, she's admiring her work. I'll probably reword it.
That was my bad. I didn't catch that. I worded it wrong. Derive is the right word, the other words are messed up.
Her eyes shot open, wide with shock.
Steadying her breathing, she opened her eyes to see the two hounds frozen in an ice chunk. Chunk not chuck.
Jaeda has a very mary-sue appearance. So there are no flaws unless some of her features aren't want to find flattering. I did this to equal out her personality flaws (because in case you haven't noticed, THEY'RE HUGE, and one major flaw that you won't find out until WAY later). I don't usually describe a lot of their facial feature because I do that when they speak or when they're observing something.
This was an example of Jaeda's perception of people. She finds everyone but herself and those above her to be nobodies with no importance.
haha, no. Jaeda isn't British. she doesn't have a "heritage" but you won't found out until later. I used the word snooty as way of showing the accent was to show her snubbery toward Gwen. It's sort of like a political joke, I guess? You know, Americans are dummies and Europeans are snubs.That kind of thing.
And, OMG!!! I can't believe I forgot to mention ages. That really is creepy but I'd just like to say, Cal is really childish so he deserved it.
Again with the personality, snobby b-thing.
Okay, since I keep getting the dialouge statement, I'm going to clearly state this so you can critique from this information. The people so far are snobby rich kids who speak their minds. The next two people that come up in chapter three have a TOTALLY different style of talking. I know people don't talk like that but these people aren't normal.
I'll edit this in a bit. I probably won't worry about dialouge until later. The only one I would change though is Cal but I need to take the context of the whole story first.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CRITIQUE. I DO APPRECIATE ALL COMMENTS. I just like to explain things because I like to talk. But, yeah, I fogot what I was going to say. But yeah, thank you for the critique and I'll edit this probably tomorrow.
Ok, this needs work. Sorry is that too blunt? I really like your characters, they are very interesting and your descriptions are good. You do write good descriptions of people and settings. But this was really hard to follow. You had a lot of things happening all at once and you kept switching point of views which made it all the more confusing. I think this all would read much better if you just stuck to one character's point of view for now.
These sentences are waaay too wordy and quite frankly doesn't even make sense. I have no idea what you are trying to convey here so perhaps you should just write it out in plainly.
This sentence reads weird and is hard to follow. It is obviously important information so don't delete it, just reword it.
She has obviously performed this ritual before so why does she gaze in awe as if she is surprised? It doesn't make sense.
malicious instead of malice. I think blood thirsty needs to be blood-thirsty. Plus you mention the devil later on in the paragraph so perhaps devilish should be replaced with a different word. Sinister would work.
soul instead of sold. And to be quite frank I don't like the mythical stuff, I know you are trying to brush off the clicheness of selling your soul to the Devil, but it seems like you are reaching too hard. If you are worried about it being cliched than just ditch it.
Lucifer was merely a pansy. Deriving means to receive or obtain from a source or origin. So he obtained their fear with show? How does that work?
You don't mention this woman's name or her physical description until the end when she meets up with Cal. But I think you could introduce her name here. Put Jaeda instead of the woman. By the way I love the name Jaeda.
Her eyes shot open, wide with shock.
Then, as she saw an oak tree with snow still covering its branches, an idea popped into her head. (Its instead of it's and add head to the end). Again I don't think you should switch characters like this. You can still describe everything that happens from Jaeda's pov. Example: Jaeda watched in horror as the woman caused a pile of snow to fall on her beloved pets.
You use then a lot and you don't need to. Also watch your use of now, it gets redundant. In a sudden burst, they emerged from the pile of snow, melting it with their burning hides. (We already know they have flames and I think this is more colorful of a description. But you are the author). They growled at the woman, showing the heat of their rage. I think that just reads better.
Delete that last part "with her eyes shut."
Steadying her breathing, she opened her eyes to see the two hounds frozen in an ice chunk. Chunk not chuck.
"How dare you?" Jaeda bellowed. She was fuming as she ran to her icicled dogs and whimpered, "my poor babies!" She turned to glare with ultimate hatred at the stranger, "you'll pay for this!"
Cut out sobbed you already said she whimpered before the statement.
Meh I just don't like this sentence.
Jaeda stared in shock and the other woman looked worried.
This is where it got confusing, I didn't know who was who and everyone was running everywhere. Honestly I had to force myself to keep reading because I was so frustrated that I just wanted to give up. If you stick with one pov that will help and also if you introduce Jaeda's name earlier on that will also help clarify this situation.
I don't know this sentence sounds redundant for some reason so I would just delete it.
She saw the source of everyone's fear; a boy consumed in flames, clutching his body and groaning in pain. Perhaps? She gasped and shouted with both shock and happiness. Man this girl has major mood swings, but i like that for this character, just make sure you continue these mood swings throughout to be consistent. Delete either gasped or shouted and delete shock. She was already shocked at everyone screaming.
Can you find a different word than shocked? Most word processors have a theasaurus and I swear it is one of the greatest weapons an author could ever wield.
Quick side-note about Jaeda: You describe her body type, her hair, her skin color and her clothing. But you say nothing about her facial features or her eye color. I'd love for her to have a pretty face, but don't make her too physically perfect, because everybody has flaws..just look at your toes...no one has pretty toes.
delete Fahrenheit it is unnecessary.
There it is again, shock. I know you can find a better word! Of course the girl had a name, everyone has a name, but I think I know what you were trying to get at. Keep it if you want, I just kind of laughed when I read that line.
Whoa British accent, where did that come from? If you want her to have an accent I think that is something you should introduce sooner on, otherwise it comes like a slap in the face. BAM! She's British. ALso I got the feel that Jaeda was in her mid-twenties and Cal was a little boy of ten or twelve, so for her to be talking to him like that seems kind of gross. Perhaps you could be more specific about their ages.
I think you should replace pest with Gwen. We know her name now, so we don't have to call her the woman or the pest or anthing like that.
I was thinking that if you wanted to solidify Jaeda's dislike for Gwen you could call her that woman putting an italisize on that woman.
Your dialouge in the other piece was so strong and now it is so weak. *Weeps* "You clearly stated the girl's name previously." Nobody talks like that...Nobody.
"All I know is her name. Nothing more." Also delete the space in between that statement and Jaeda was about to state something but Cal interrupted her, "What are you doing in New York?"
Since Cal is still talking there is no need for a new paragraph.
Just write "I guess." It is okay to write dialouge without any accompanying thought to it.
Clueless and undaunted? One or the other, pick one. I prefer undaunted but you are the author.
Pick a POV and stick with it. I'd like to see Gwen again so her personality can be developed more. Your dialouge could be beefed up a bit. And watch out for those redundancies. Hopefully this helped and I love for you to PM when there is more to read!!