Shadows : Chapter 1

Warning in advance, chapters are usually split by scenes, swap in characters, or swap in groups. So, when you go to a different chapter, you aren't continuing from the last chapter but another portion of the story. Sometimes you do, sometimes you don't. Also, I wasn't sure where this was suppose to go so I just put it in this category. Let me know what you think and what could be improved upon. Thank you and enjoy. :]

There were many things wrong that it didn't require an inhabitant of the city to recognize these palpable signs such as the lack of food savaging birds, the full ten degrees drop of the city's normal chilly temperature for a Mid-November night, the scarcity of people occupying the usually over populated streets. It was appalling enough to slap you in the face with the reality. It was apparent that New York City, a naturally bustling city full of life and havoc, was silenced by an unnatural force.

A dull yawn escaped the thin lips of the poorly amused man. His limbs had begun to grow stiff as the sheet of snow continued to blanket him. Absentmindedly, he slid off his suit jacket in one majestically swift move and folded it neatly so it hung from his crossed arms like it would on a hanger. He took a slow inhale of the ice-cold fresh air and relaxed as the refreshing chill traveled down his throat. The cold was his warmth. It made him feel at peace and even as his body tried to fight the cold, it managed to relax him.

He knew the sight was probably ridiculous to behold. A man in his mid-twenties standing on the edge of the roof of a God-knows-how-tall building wearing only a black tank top and slacks while the only source of warmth was folded neatly in his arms was definitely not something you would expect to see everyday.

His gray eyes gazed down at the lifeless city. It was a shame his short visit wasn't going to be as lively as he had hoped for. Although he was more than capable to "provoke" some havoc of his own, he knew better from experience not to create attention. Plus, the time wasn't right. He resumed to stand waiting for something to entertain him other than his half an hour check on his limbs capability to function.

Time slowly moved forward and his mind began to drift. A multiple number of concerns occupied his thoughts these days. Too many lives at stake; too many memories eating at his consciousness and forcing him into anxiety. Every second seemed to be reminiscent with the face that tore at every living fiber of his entire being. It was never to leave him until he was fatuous with guilt.

A warm aura melted away all his other concerns, managing to break him from his dazed mind It seemed to turn his emotions and thoughts to a more malicious and maniacal mood. A sadistic grin slowly emerged from his lips. The thoughts enlightened him and made him hunger for more. His mouth poured saliva as the taste of something sinister stirred. He had to get closer to this amount of darkness. Just the thought of it made him vertiginous from lust.

Slyly, he moved his body back into a wall hidden by shadows and allowed himself to be swallowed by the inviting warmth of the creatures of darkness and reappeared from the shadow of a lamp post, causing a taxi to screech to a stop at the man's abrupt appearance. He ignored the many stares he received and the vulgar language the taxi driver graciously preached to him. Moving over to the sidewalk, he began to stalk the illuminating aura that called to him.

It didn't take long for the possessor of the aura to take notice of him. It appeared to be a male with choppy straight white blond hair and when he turned around, the enchanted one felt an even stronger presence of darkness that sent a slight shiver down his spine. He grinned and realized the blond was capable of controlling emotions. While he slid his suit jacket back on, his curiosity began to wonder what the extent of the man’s abilities were.

As he continued to trail the aroma, it grew stronger and its taste almost blinded him with delight. It wasn't the strongest scent of darkness he had ever encountered but it was still thick enough to entice him. He wondered if the blond was even aware of the amount of evil he possessed. This was the scent the man had sensed for a few days now. It was one of the reasons he decided to stay in this pathetic city.

The blond man made a slick turn into a fancy restaurant with a posh French name and the enthralled man followed behind. When he entered, he looked around the semi-crowded room but there was no trace of the blond except for the strong aura that burned at the man's temples.

Someone tapped his shoulder and when he turned around, there stood the blond man. His face held no emotion as he stated placidly, "Let's talk."

He took the opportunity to examine the man's physique. He had a broad look that gave him a mysterious and wealthy businessman apparel. He was dressed in a gray suit that brought out his broad shoulders but hid the length of his legs. He had a long face with a firm jaw and a narrow chin with a five o'clock shadow. His hair was slightly unkept which meant that he probably had a rough few days of work or something of the sort. His narrow, oval shaped, dull blue eyes were staring tediously at something behind the man's view. When the blond spoke, "Table for two," the captivated man turned around to find a waiter standing there with no more emotion than the blond man.

He trailed behind as the blond was led to a table near the window but before the waiter could place the menus down, the blond spoke, "Could we have something near the middle?"

The waiter moved towards the middle of the room with no sign of irritation as he found the closet table to the middle unoccupied and placed the menus down. He glanced up at the two men and after no comment was made, he returned to the front near the door.

The blond sat down first and the other man sat across from him. The blond spoke immediately, “What do you want?”

The other man scoffed, "You were the one who arranged this chat."

The blond didn't even consider to recognize the response, "Why were you following me?"

The man grinned, "I wasn't aware at the time that you were obliged for a chat."

The blond responded as if every word he spat was obvious, "Well, I am. So, why were you following me?"

The man shrugged, "I thought it was obvious."

The blond narrowed his brows, "This wouldn't happen to concern sexual preferences, would it?"

The man starred at him in confusion while trying to fathom where the comment had derived from. Then after a few minor flashbacks, he realized his appearance did manage to cause many question upon his gender or sexual orientation. He had always kept his hair long. Currently, it reached the small of his back and he had left it down. Not to mention he had a frail, lanky body and with his porcelain like skin, he looked like a fragile mannequin. On top of that, he tried to take care off his appearance such as making sure not to gain any fat and keeping his hair combed neatly. He wasn't a homosexual but just a very feminine man.

The response held no hint of his opinion toward the previously question, "Is that really what you think this is about?"

The blond, for once, considered his words before speaking, "I suppose I have my other suspicions."

Before the other man could speak, a waiter came and asked for their order. The blond ordered a cup of coffee black and the other ordered ice water. No carbs, no calories, no fat. They sat in silence and waited for the waiter to return with their drinks. They both refused any food, forcing the waiter to stride back into the kitchen, mumbling about something similar to, "better get a tip".

As the blond stirred his million calorie serving cream into his brain cell killing coffee, the other man asked, "So, am I to guess your other suspicions or will you grace me with the answers and save me from the hassle?"

The blond sipped his coffee then answered, "Let's just have you bluntly state your business so I may return to my usual dull life."

The man mumbled, "I'm sure blunt wouldn't be the most preferred." He took a moment to think, then started in a voice low enough for just the two of them to hear, "Have you ever felt…strange?"

The blond moved the coffee from his face and stared at the man as if he had just uttered the most ridiculous question known to mankind, "Define strange."

The man took a moment to himself before speaking, "Like…it's like you know something others don't. That everyday you follow what life gives to you but what you're really trying to figure out is a life aside the world that everyone else belongs to."

The blond slowly placed down his cup and laid his hands carefully upon his lap, "I see," he closed his eyes, "I felt your presence. I knew eventually you'd come and find me." He opened his eyes and appeared to look intrigued but it was only a small emotion that was barely noticeable, "So, you have some sort of plan that requires me?"

The man smiled, "May I inquire upon how you figured this out?"

Whatever sign of emotion that was once there was now gone, "Similar to your ability to sense darkness in a person, I can read souls. I feel what a person's nature is but I can also see through them as if I am them."

The ability was stimulating to the man but didn't appear to be useful. He returned to his plan, "Stay open minded when I explain. It may pertain to you as well to the rest of the people like us." When the blond didn't respond, the man continued, "I'm tired of hiding myself from the world. I want to be honest with my whole self. I'm tired of letting these humans deal with the world. They are clueless of how to use it properly. I want to solve everything. To make it perfect for everyone." He paused for a minute, then finished his sentence, "I want to make a new Earth."

The blond returned to stirring his coffee, "And how are you to accomplish this feat?"

The man grinned, "There is a legend about seven orbs called The Seven Shadows. It's the story about an orb made by the heavens used to balance evil and good but in the making, a member of the darkness was greedy and placed too much dark energy into the orb, causing an imbalance between the two forces. They fought each other inside the orb and eventually, the orb couldn't take that much power and broke into seven pieces. They were scattered all over the world so no one could find them. If found, just think of the power that we could gain."

"And what makes you think you will?" the blond stated casually.

The man shrugged, "I simply believe it's worth a shot."

The blond began to consider it as he stirred the remaining contents of his coffee, "I'm not into groups searching for lost treasure that might not even exist." He finished off his coffee, returned the cup to the saucer, and pushed it to the side, "But I have nothing better going on in my life. So, I guess I'll go for it."

The man smiled, "Great. Then there's no longer need for the informalities. I'm Artemis."

"Adrian."

Comments & reviews · 5
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Autumn.Breeze.
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Fangala :
It's really hard to respond to this because a lot of the things you said, you have to take into account the future events of the story. So, I'll leave it with this. Remember what you say here and bring it back up later in the story (if you choose to continue reading this) because if you reminiscent, you could probably see why I wrote things a certain way. You'll definitely notice the reason for the dialouge and why the scene is short. I'll make sure to keep what you said about the dialouge in mind.

Hello, Autumn.
Good start and an interesting idea. I agree with most of the stuff that your other reviewers said, and I won't bother with grammar, because I believe it's been covered already. I like your main character--so much, in fact, that I think you should open the scene with him right away. Description isn't always the best hook for a novel. I mean, you have great description, but opening with a character or an action sequence would grab your reader from word one. I found this hard to get into and a little choppy.
Also, the part about meeting Adrian was awkward. I wasn't sure what you meant about "the aura" at first--that it referred to a specific person. And how did he get down from the top of the building?
Oops, I'm skipping ahead of myself. I really enjoyed your first paragraph, actually (grammar problems aside) because it sets a good tone for the story. Keep this, but move it to a later part in the chapter.
Okay, jumping back ahead. Once this story got rolling, it was very intriguing. You can easily space this into more chapters, drawing out the restaurant scene, the city descriptions, and Artemis's thoughts and emotions. If possible, don't clump description together. You don't have to flat-out tell us that he's a feminine man; you can show it through the way he acts and thinks. You did this already by saying "million calorie cream." Only a weight-watcher would say that. Very good, just do more of the same technique.
Finally: I found Artemis' and Adrian's exchange hard to believe. No one really talks like that in modern day New York. Don't get me wrong; dialogue can be tricky, especially with the kind of characters you have. You don't have to do this, but you might want to practice inserting terms, words, and phrases you hear on the street into your characters' conversation.
Hope that helps! This was enjoyable to read and I hope to see more.

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Autumn.Breeze.
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Lisa:

Oh my goodness, a good chunk of the stuff you pulled out I completely missed and I'm glad you caught them. Others actually questioned my writing style which will be helpful for future writings. So thank you. :]

Just three things on your reviews I have to question. For your second quote, if I took out the description and left it as a yawn, there would be no point to the sentence but the sentence describes Artemis's emotion at the moment. It's also to be used to show that he feels superior to normal humans. If anything, I'll probably fix the sentence but I'll probably do that when I go to do the final editing.

For the third quote, I agree. I just can't fix it. I can't do what you said and take the last part out because if I do, the sentence won't make sense. I want to combine it with first but then it'll be a run on sentence. So, if you have any other ideas to help this, please let me know.

Last but not least, the enthralled comment. Your response was awkwardly funny. The reason I put that in there wasn't to describe Artemis's "attraction" to the man. It was merely to identify him. I felt 'enthralled' sounded better than 'other'. xD

Copenspire:

I agree with you on an extent. I'm not a fan of excessive description. In the stories I write in first person, I barely put description in it. The story usually flows on crude humor. For my stories in third person, they derive on third person. The thing is, it's not meant to be used as a way to describe the setting. It's made for you to understand the character's interpretation on the world. If you read other chapters of this story, the type of description changes because the character's persona is different.

The 'extent' of where I don't agree with you is the book interest. A lot of the books that are popular that don't have a lot of description, I dislike. It gives me a bad image of the writer. The only way they could make amends would be their connective flow throughout the story. Hence why I love Speak.

Summing this all up, too much description is bad but I don't use it to describe the scene. I merely use as a way to describe the characters. I suppose I could limit character appearance descriptions but I'm too stubborn to leave it to readers to mutanize my characters. xD

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Copenspire Review

I really liked it. But you used ALOT of discriptive words. I have read tons of books, and I noticed that the more popular books don't have alot of descriptive words, they have just the right amount. People don't want to know every little exact detail of an object, just give them something to build on, then that persons imagination will build the rest of that object. In the book "Eragon" by Christopher Paolini (sp), he didn't describe stuff in too much detail, so peoples imaginations went to work, but when the movie came out, people hated it because nothing looked like how they pictured it in the movie. They all loved the book though.

User avatar
Moriah Leila
Review

Very intruitguing. I like it so far, very original, and I like the idea of the seven orbs. Also your characters are vey well developed and it is nice to see such strong personalities. That being said let me dive right into my critique.


There were many things wrong that it didn't require an inhabitant of the city to recognize these palpable signs. The lack of food savaging birds, the full ten degrees drop of the city's normal chilly temperature for a Mid-November night, the scarcity in people occupying the usually over populated streets: it was appalling enough to slap you in the face with the reality.


I don't know what it is but I really don't like that first sentence. It just seems like it is filling space. Food scavaging birds. The scarcity of people instead of in.

A dull yawn escaped the thin lips of the poorly amused man.


this sounds redundant...dull...poorly amused. Perhaps a yawn would be best.

He knew the sight was probably ridiculous to behold. A man in his mid-twenties standing on the edge of the roof of a God-knows-how-tall building wearing only a black tank top and slacks while the only source of warmth was folded neatly in his arms was definitely not something you would expect to see everyday.


I would just end the last sentence at in his arms. You said it was ridiculous so you don't need to state that it is not something you see everyday.

To him, the thought rarely crossed his mind for more than humor.


I don't like the use of rarely, it just doesn't sound right. Honestly if you cut out the sentence entirely it wouldn't be missed.

In conclusion, he resumed to stand waiting for something to entertain him other than his half an hour check on his limbs capability to function.


In conclusion makes it sound like you are writing a persuasive essay for english class, just cut it out.

Time slowly moved forward and his mind began to drift. A multiple number of concerns occupied his mind these days. Too many lives at stake; too many memories eating at his mind and bringing him into anxiety. Every second seemed to reminiscent with the face that tore at every living fiber of his entire being.


You use the word mind a lot in this paragraph and in fact throughout the whole story. Redundancies are a big pet peeve of mine. Seemed to BE reminiscent.

Something broke through his dazed mind when a warm aura melted away all his other concerns.


This reads weird. A warm aura melted away all his other concerns breaking through his dazed mind? Maybe...I dont know this one is hard.

It seemed to turn his emotions and thoughts to a more malice and maniacal mood.


Malicious instead of malice.

The thoughts enlighten him and made him hunger for more.


Elightened instead of enlighten.

It didn't take long for the possessor of the aura (who turned out to be a male with chin length, straight, white blond hair) to take notice of him and when the man turned around, the enchanted one felt an even stronger presence of darkness that sent a slight shiver down his spin.


I don't like your use of parentheses here. Just take the time to form an actual sentence and briefly describe this aura. Also watch your use of the word aura, it is getting a bit redundant. Stranger, man, person are all good words to replace aura. Spine instead of spin.

It wasn't the strongest sent of darkness he had ever encountered but it was still thick enough to entice him.


Scent instead of sent.

The blond man made a slick turn into a fancy restaurant with a posh French name and the enthralled man followed behind.


We get that he is enthralled, you have done a very good job of showing us just how enamored he is with this blonde fellow. So just cut out enthralled.

He was here but where was the proper question.


This sentence is unnecessary just get rid of it.

He had a long face with a firm jaw and a narrow chin with a 12 o'clock shadow. His hair was slightly unkept which meant that he probably had a rough few days of work or something of the sort.


I think you meant five o'clock shadow, I've never heard of a 12 o'clock shadow. You could describe the man's chin-length white blonde hair here instead of in the parantheses. Delete or something of the sort, it makes your sentence drag.

The other man scoffed, "Weren't you the one who situated this chat."


I think arranged is a better word than situated.

He always kept his hair long and at this point, it went to the small of his back and was currently left it down.


The sentence is worded weird. He had always kept his hair long. Currently, it reached the small of his back and he had left it down.

He responded with no hint of his opinion of the question he was regarded with previously, "Is that really what you think this is about?"


Feels like you are trying to cram in words where they aren't needed. He responded with no hint of his opinion of the question.

The blond slowly placed down his cup and placed his hands carefully upon his lap,


placed and placed... too close together.

Finally, blond is spelled blonde. I really enjoyed this story and hope my suggestions were helpful.



What's the point of being a grown-up if you can't be a bit childish sometimes?
— 4th Doctor