Published January 28, 2010
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Hi there!
I sort of like this. It seems really emotional. You said you wanted a comment on a vibe...I'd say a bit sad and despairing. I'd imagine it would have a quick, desperate pace. (Not bad desperate, but desperate like the feelings of the girl that needs someone to share her sorrows with.)
It's nice to read a rap about something so down to earth and easy to relate, but at the same time being a bit melancholy. I personally don't like the length of "she doesn't wanna be rich, to have a house and some cars or to be famous, bitch," but I'm having faith that, since you're not looking to revise much, it'll be better spoken.
I agree that "bitch" is repeated a few too many times...once or twice, sure, but in the very long line you said it unnecessarily and I'm sure for some of the other ones you could think of a better word. But it's up to you.
I would agree--rate it 12+ and post in lyrics.
So, all in all, it was a nice change from the rap and rap-style things I normally hear. Kudos!
Take care!
I'm not sure what to say, since you're not really looking to improve this. :/ It was a little strange to read, but that may be because it's a rap, though I can't think of why that would make a difference.
I highly suggest using correct punctuation where it's needed, because that really has nothing to do with your actual piece, and only serves to distract the reader. 
Hm, and as far as the vibe goes, it felt angry (that may have been the point), like you were hitting me over the head with this information, and even a little rushed. You might want to try slowing it down a little.
I'd rate this 12+ for "bitch"
& perhaps post in lyrics?
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Hello Auteur...nice to read this.
First off, being a grammar freak, I must comment on that issue. Please insert apostrophes where needed, and yes I know this is meant to be spoken and not necessarily read. But still.
Don't use "bitch" twice. And "glitch" sounds awkward...I would change it to "twitch" at least, but even that is questionable.
Just an example of grammar...please insert a question mark. And I don't like "trying to sail to above". It doesn't flow well.
The rest of your repeatedly used "bitch"es are unnecessary. I would take them out.
I don't like how it ends. The poem finishes with a thought, but not an action. That's something I've had to learn. End it with hope, or despair, if you like. But preferably hope.
For a rap, the vibe is OK, but it is rushed. If something is rushed, don't post it until it sounds right to you. Just a bit of advice.
Overall, this does sound like something that you wrote down off the top of your head, without much thought at all. It has a bit of potential, but since you said you're not looking into making it any better...well, OK.
Keep writing!
Sincerely,
S.S. Rose