Published November 30, 2009
Ok so this is my first time posting my work. Please comment and tell me what you think!!
Thanks
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I am the push that convinces you to move on
The hand that picks you up when you fall
I am the voice that whispers to your soul
The song that never dies
I am the call that brings you to action
The story that moves your heart
I am the bandage to heal your wounds
The oinment to sooth your pain
I am the drug that takes it all away
The drink that makes you forget
I am the ideal that you'll sacrifice your life for
The leader you'll follow into battle
I am the path you choose for your life
The road of your destiny
I am the fate that's been writen for you
The life you'r ment to have
I am the family you keep in your heart
The truest of your friends
I am the lamp that shines your path
The light that shines the way
I am the vine through which all life flows
Th death that takes it all away
I am the quiet place of rest
The flower that never dies
I am Love
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I disagree with Sleeping, in that I think you did present love in a new perspective. When I first saw the title, I was like, great another poem about love. But honestly, you gave it a fresh twist that I enjoyed. I agree with Silented that it does get redundant at times, but I think that has more to do with your choice of words than with your actual structure. Just an example:
Here you use shines twice. I would read through your poem and pick out where you used the same words more than once. Then I would determine whether these words are necessary or replace them with a synonym that fits. Hope that helps!
I am the family you keep in your heart
The truest of your friends
I would use "lights" rather than "shines" since I think that is more what you're going for.
This line seems to be saying the same thing as the previous one. And again, I think the word you're looking for it "lights" not "shines". Though you could also say "illuminates" or something similar.
Hum. This line is fine, though my first instinct is to think you mean "vein" and not "vine" since more often you hear about life flowing through veins.
This poem is nice, though I think it could be much nicer if you gave it a bit more of a unique voice so it's not like all the other "love" poems out there.
Good luck!
^_^ Keek!
very repetitive...gets a tad annoying in fact.
and on line 16, it should be you're not you'r(first grammatical fix by me ever!!)
now if you broke this up into stanzas, and then grouped parts of the I's together like:
I am;
the fate that has been written for you,
the family in your heart
blah blah blah
then said
the life you were meant to have,
the truest of friends
blah blah blah.
it would help break up the repetitiveness and make it an easier read on that respect.
Now you had rhythm which is good. and all that jazz that I normally don't get into lol...
sorry
keep writing.