When Life Gets Boring, Make Moon Cake.

*After hours upon hours of me whining and complaining about having nothing in my life worth writing about*


Audrey: OH! I could write about that time with the moon cake!
Unsuspecting friend who will remain anonymous for embarrassment's sake: Moon cake?
Xavier: Ugh. I've been trying to forget about that.
Audrey: I have nothing else to write about!
Xavier: Fine, do it, write about it. //Nonchalantly begins to paint his nails black.
Unsuspecting friend: What the heck is a moon cake?
Xavier: It's the worse thing ever, don't ask about it.
Audrey: It's great! But it's the kind of thing I have to explain in a story -- to get like the full effect.
Xavier: It's a nightmare.

Audrey: Me and Xavier, we were like seven years old when it happened.
Xavier: Eleven. Like, not yet into middle school. We thought we were the coolest kids.
Audrey: And it was Xavier's birthday, and he had been grumpy because it fell on like a Wednesday. Well, his mom came to surprise us at the car pick up lane. She basically took the entire class out for his birthday, and she was like "We're all gonna have moon cake!"

She called all the other moms beforehand, so they gave the okay. And then she borrowed your dad's big SUV, she had it all set up, and you should've seen his face. He was like :OOO

Unsuspecting friend: Aw, I love his mom.
Audrey: Me too.
Xavier: I hated it. She never tells me anything, that's always been the problem. I would've told her, no, I hated the entire class.

Audrey: Yeah, but it was spur of the moment. The back-story was that she was supposed to be writing a feature for the paper. There's this really really old vintage ice cream shop downtown. It's the one boarded up, I think they're out of business now.
Xavier: They needed the publicity, obviously.
Audrey: But she was getting their promotional moon cake for free for writing about them! And it was just around the time of the divorce, right? So, she was already kind of low on funds, and thought it'd be a good idea to just bring you and your friends--
Xavier: --Except they weren't my friends.
Audrey: It was a really good idea. Didn't you have fun? Like, we still remember it even now.
Xavier: Oh---my parents got divorced when I was 14, though. So we were in middle school, not elementary school.
Audrey: Oh yeah. That always happens. I always think about all these childhood memories and it turns out that half the time, I wasn't even a child.
Xavier: You're still a child. // Decides to paint his thumb with gold polish.
Unsuspecting friend: But, what in the world is a moon cake?

Xavier: The worse thing ever. There's a reason they're out of business.
Audrey: So, we get to the ice cream place. And you have to picture it: It' this old sort of run down pink brick building, with cute little yellow window shutters, and an outside dining with purple and pink umbrellas. On the rooftops, there's these two cute plastic mice characters dressed in aprons--huge, like you can see it driving up to the place.
Xavier: //completely straight-faced. Fire hazard waiting to happen. It was the most tacky place, you can ever imagine. Who the hell would want to eat at some frilly frumpy Mcdunkin? Or invite a whole eighth grade class to see that shit?

Unsuspecting friend //bursts into laughter.

Audrey: Inside was really cute though, they served you in little tea cups and china plates.
Unsuspecting: I thought it was an ice cream shop?
Audrey: It was like, dining and icecream combo.
Xavier: It was girly as hell--the servers were all dressed up, they looked like that Molly clown from that comfy coach 90s program, and they couldn't even sing!...The portions were tiny! I mean, I understand the whole mouse theme, but REALLY?...AND they looked at me like they never heard of chicken wings before! I mean, COM'ON!

Unsuspecting friend // dying of laughter.

Xavier: Thank god you were there though, otherwise I would've never survived that mess.
Audrey: Same here, literally. I was doing damage control, like trying to ease the awkwardness, ya'know? Making it out to seem like an ironic joke, as opposed to like...a hot mess. Everyone was going for it, we were having fun, laughing it off.
Xavier: Yeah, see: I totally didn't get that at the time. I was too busy being mortified. Do you think my nails look hot?
Audrey: It's nice, I like it. You should paint the pinkies gold too.
Xavier: Ooooh, yeah girl. Thanks.

Unsuspecting: ...

Xavier: See, the thing was that I never really liked her at the time. You would'a told me back then that we would've been best friends 10 years later, I would've been like, what are you smoking?
Audrey: yeah...thanks...
Unsuspecting: I can't imagine you two being anything other than friends.
Audrey: We were more like frenemies, I think.
Xavier: It was just a dark time for me in general. Like, my parents' divorce. I was still figuring myself out--was I gay, was I bi? I had no fucking clue. Plus, I always had this weird suspicion that my mom always wanted a girl, and that I was a let-down, you know? Audrey was like, her perfect sub-child. My mom did her hair all the time. I wasn't sure whether I was jealous or just felt neglected.
Unsuspecting; Dahmn...I never suspected.

Audrey: See, I didn't know you felt that way. I couldn't stand my own family either, and just sorta wondered into other people's families. But you know it wasn't like that.
Xavier: Oh, I know. I was just in a dark place and it just all culminated, you know? Like as a kid, I was awkward, I was into weird things -- I didn't know how to fit in. I hated people, I had trouble just talking to people -- and Aud's the exact opposite, like, she makes sure everyone's having a good time, somehow she makes a frumpy place seem cool, and I wanted to be like that.
Audrey: Aw, you're being flattering right now, but it's not at all like how you're making it out to be. I was a weird kid too -- too caught up on what other people think. I wanted to be more like him because he knew who he was, y'know? He was always himself. I was too busy just trying to be liked, I didn't find out who I was until like...college.
Xavier: Stop trying to make this about you. Can't you see I was suffering? At the time, I just see all these people laughing and having fun. And I wasn't having fun, and I'm thinking they're all laughing at me the whole time. One kid thought my mom was Audrey's mom.

Audrey: I do love your mom, though.
Unsuspecting friend: Oh god, me too.
Xavier: Everyone loves my mom. They'd all rather hang out with her.
Audrey: It wasn't all that bad though, they brought up the moon cake.
Xavier: Oh, god. That damn moon cake.
Unsuspecting: Yeah, what in the world is it?

Audrey: You have to imagine, there were at least two servers trying to hold up this huge tray.
Xavier: They skimped out on all the meals just so they can make this moon cake, I'm telling you, it was huge!
Audrey: So imagine like thirty or forty --what looked like martini glasses -- all arranged in a circle.
Xavier: She exaggerates, It was like...ten. Like, one for each of us, basically.
Audrey: And in each glass is a huge scoop of thick icecream -- each of them a different color. Some of them marbled, some of them looked like Tye-die. Chocolate chips, brownie chunks, pebble cornflakes -- like all these different flavors, each glass had something different. But the way they were arranged, it looked like little glass column spindles holding up a Colosseum of icecream.
Xavier: It wasn't martini glass though, it was like milkshake glass.
Audrey: Oh yeah. Like, we each had a spoon and would taste a spoonful of each of the icecream, and by the time we tasted them all, it melted a bit-- so we grabbed our favorite flavor, grabbed a straw, and just sipped it up like a milkshake.
Unsuspecting: That is...pretty cool.
Xavier: Of course, everyone gets to have their favorite flavor and leaves me with the coconut one.
Unsuspecting: He was just having a really bad day, wasn't he?
Xavier: I hate coconut! Why would you make ice cream out of it?
Audrey: But the server noticed that he was really upset, and he found out that it was Xavier's birthday -- it was all spur of the moment planning, and they hadn't known until then, so they were like, wait here.
Xavier: We waited for like half an hour. Everyone was already done by then. My mom was yelling at me for not finishing the nasty coconut and for being a spoiled brat. "Why couldn't you be more like Audrey?" She had no clue that was who I wanted to be, but couldn't be. It was a nightmare. We were just about to leave, and I was just about to cry, I was having such a miserable day.
Audrey: You were being spoiled though. You're always such a diva. Look, the server had gone all the way to the grocery store down the block and came back with a big martini glass -- this one was a martini glass -- filled with ice cream and birthday candles. He had gone out of his way to buy birthday candles! All for him!
Unsuspecting: Oh my gosh!
Xavier: They couldn't sing for jack, though.
Audrey: They were singing! And oh my gosh, you should've seen it! Like, the whole place lit up with those candles.
Xavier: It was one of those fizzy, funky trick candles that take forever to blow out. Everyone was just looking at me, and I'm over here like, my whole day has been miserable and I don't want anyone looking at me. Stop freakin' looking at me!
Audrey: He was stubborn and didn't want to blow up the candles, so I just did it for him.
Unsuspecting: That sounds like you. Stealing his thunder on his birthday...
Xavier: Right?! And there was this moment where she bends over, and her face came perilously close to one of the candles... And if you saw my face, like...I was so red. It was just one moment, but i just had this impulse. So I pushed her face down.
Unsuspecting: Oh my god!
Audrey: He meant to push my face into the icecream, but my hand slipped and knocked the cup over.
Xavier: The whole table caught on fire.
Unsuspecting; What the heck!?!
Audrey: Those trick candles are no joke.
Xavier: We were all pushing and shoving to get out of there.
Audrey: I got trampled, I still have the scar on my elbow...
Xavier: Jeremy was crying for his mom. Priceless.
Audrey: Then the whole building caught on fire.
Unsuspecting: What the fuck? Are you serious?
Xavier: People were scrambling.
Audrey: Screams everywhere.
Xavier: Just chaos.
Audrey: We got everyone out in time, though.
Xavier: I got to tell you though, when I pushed her down, her hair was *this* close to catching fire.
Audrey: I think after that, you felt so guilty and bad for me, we were finally able to talk it out and be more friendly to each other.
Xavier: Yeah, we were friends after that. But it was hell at home, like my dad's a firefighter, you know? So, when he saw my mom there. Well, she never lived it down. He was quick to sign the divorce papers, then.
Unsuspecting: I thought you said they were already divorced...?
Audrey: Oh yeah, I gotta go back and edit that.
Xavier: Include some foreshadowing or something about the fire, maybe.
Audrey: Oh, good idea.
Unsuspecting: Wait....what?
Audrey: I'm trying to write it all down.
Unsuspecting: But, didn't this actually happen?
Xavier: Dude, we've been making it all up as we went along.
Audrey: I'm a writer, bro. That's what I do.
Xavier: I've just been kinda editing her down. Making sure it's more realistic and it doesn't get too crazy.
Audrey: Whatever, you've been making it into a drama!
Unsuspecting: So... none of it's real...?
Audrey: Well, we did go to Chuck E Cheese's one time.
Xavier: Oh, lawd. I hated it.
Unsuspecting: Is this conversation even real?
Audrey: I don't know, I might just leave that fact open-ended. It could be a really good nihilist element to tie the whole thing together, you know?
Xavier: Make me buffer.
Audrey: What?
Xavier: In the story, make me buff. Like macho man.
Unsuspecting: I'm out of here, guys.
Audrey: Sorry, man. I can blot out your name if you like...
Xavier: He already left.
Audrey: Well. We had fun, though.
Xavier: That we did. And my nails turned out gorgeous!
Audrey: Do mine, next!