I've always loved DArren Shan's Cirque Du Freak, and the last book opened up so many possibilities that a new Darren would arise and fiill the old one's shoes. So, this is a story about a girl named Audrey Jhonson and her best friend Amy Keyes, who get swept up into this dark world. I will post new entries as soon as i can. Enjoy.
Eternally yours,
Audrey
--
“Okay who can give me the answer to Number two?” Mrs. Craig asked the bored looking class of 16 year olds. A few kids had there hands up.
One of them was Audrey Jhonson, and another Amy Kyes.
“Yes Audrey, your answer?” Mrs. Craig asked the girl.
“The answer is Madam Octa.” The blonde haired girl sanswered. She had blue eyes, a body that was neither fat nor skinny.
“Good job Audrey! Okay, Number 3?”
Audrey figured since she answered, she wouldn’t have to answer any more questions for awhile, so she stared out the window of her English class. She already knew the book front to back, Cirque du Freak 1:A living Nightmare.
She loved the books so much! The Saga of Darren Shan was her second favorite books! Her favorite was Phantom by Susan Kay, she was a really big phantom of the opera phanatic.
Anyways, she looked out the window and imagined what she would be like as a vampire, searching for people’s to feed off of there blood. She giggled at the thought.
Then a note was set on her desk, she looked at it and it was from her best friend Amy Kyes.
Amy had short blonde and brown hair, and was skinny and graceful because she was a ballerina.
The note said, “I love this book! Remember when you thought they were stupid?”
And Audrey did, she used to hate the books, but then started them up again and fell in love with them. And Amy was the one who got her hooked on the books.
The bell rang which woke Audrey up from her thoughts, and she went to meet Amy outside the class.
“Can you believe that Aaron got suspended? Again?” Amy Kyes, her best friend said as they walked down the hall.
“Yes, actually I can. I mean, he was caught smoking twice in 6th grade, and was at least suspended 3 time the rest of junior high.” Audrey said while closing her locker. She put away her English book, and got out her pre-algebra book.
“Still in pre-algebra? We took that last year!”
Amy never could stop reminding Audrey how she had to pre-algebra again. They took it last year, because they were not smart enough for algebra, but were not dumb enough for basic math. Unfortunately, Audrey did not get the class, though she did not fail it. Amy, on the other hand was promoted to geometry.
“Yeah, well at least I’m not a math geek!” Audrey said in return.
“True……” Amy replied, the both laughed and walked on.
“What’s your view on the end of the cirque Du freak?” Amy asked.
Audrey shrugged, “What’s yours?”
“I think it’s real! I mean think about it! Wouldn’t that cool?” Amy said excitedly.
“Oh yeah, then there would be a nuclear war and we would all die! Oh, but wait! We would come back as gray skinned Frankenstein people!” Audrey said sarcastically.
“Well, it would be cool! To be a vampire or vampaneeze……..”
“Hold on, a vampaneeze?” Audrey asked, “Don’t they kill when they feed?”
“Yes, but they think its right, and it’s not that bad, and they have cool purple skin!” Amy replied
“They do have cool skin…………” Audrey replied.
“Well, is it true you think?” Amy thought.
Audrey thought before turning into her classroom, “yes, and no. Maybe there is some truth, but it’s not all true.”
“I can respect that. Hey absoquolete five!” Amy called, absoquolete meant high, and Audrey had found it in a book, telling about lemony Snicket.
“Absoquolete!” Audrey called, and turned into her classroom.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Me again!! I like how you add this other part that way it doesn't seem like just like some teenager wishing that she could be in Darren Shawn's world. You said that you thought it went into a cliff hanger at the end of the first one but then you went and made an even bigger cliffhanger!
(those shocked faces are me and my two friends. Bunnie_I_am and Artistic_writers_times_2 were obbsed with books like Audrey and Amy) I feel for them no book store I wouldn't be able to survive! I'll even cry for them, because I feel so bad for them.
Okay enough of that, but honestly a mall but no book store what kind of world do we live in?
But I like the cliff hanger when I read it I was all like. Holy guacamole what is it! Who holding the latern thing! Why are they in the mall with a latern thing! And most of all why dosen't there town have a book store!!!!
Okay now after adding that I really want to read more of you story! I hope you contine writting, also I think you have a talent at writting and hope you continue writting, because I found this so amazing, I'm giving you another ninja, dancing elephante, and more smileys!!
Hope you keep writting!!!
Hey there, AudreyViolet6!
I'm Sakura, and I'll be your reviewer today. ^_^
First of all, I'd like to tell you: Please don't post numerous sections of your story in one thread. For the continuation you just posted, add a new thread.
I will review the original post.
-Comma after okay
-de-capitalize number
Their, not there.
Comma after yes.
-Comma after job.
-Decapitalize number. Spell out three.
-Put book titles in italics
-Would they really read Cirque du Freak in English class?
People's?
First of all, the word people is already plural. And they aren't possessing anything, get rid of the apostrophe.
Change it to people.
Being a ballerina does not automatically make you skinny and graceful. You could use a metaphor and say she was like a ballerina.
-Ellipses only need three dots: ...
-Capitalize Cirque
The other errors I noticed were basically the same.
Hope this helped,
Sakura
i realize this story starts off slow, well, that's mainly because this is from my deviantart site, where they came in shorter installments, and sorry for my grammar errors. I guess I'm juts more of a reader then editor!
Also, This is just a fun thing, not going 2 be published, so again, this is Audrey apologizing for spelling mistakes! And lame cliffhangers...............
-Audrey
--
At the end of the day Audrey and Amy got on there bus to go home.
But as they got on, Audrey was thinking about Amy’s words, and they were troubling her.
“Hey Amy, you know how you were talking about if Cirque Du freak was real?” Audrey asked.
“Yeah, why?” Amy replied.
“Wouldn’t it be cool ,hypothetically, if we were the ones who were chosen to be the next in line as the new Darren and Steve?” Audrey said, referring to the twelfth book.
“Hmmmm, well I think it would be pretty cool!” Amy said.
They both sat there for a second, waiting or the silence to be broken.
“I call being the not evil one!” Audrey called out.
Amy just glanced at her and said, “lets face it, if that were to happen, I probably would be on the evil side……….”
“yeah……….” Audrey said joking, and so was Amy.
“Hey maybe tonight we can go to the mall!” Amy said.
“Well, I guess, if my parents let me. We do have to study for that play we are doing, I haven’t even started memorizing. Oh, what the heck, sure!” Audrey said.
“I just wish they had a book store!” Amy said mad.
“I know, sometimes the only reason I go to a mall is because of the book store. But we have to live in a town where there are no bookstores.” Audrey replied.
“At least we have a great library!” Amy said.
It was true, though there library didn’t have great books, they had a system where you get other books from other libraries, and the other libraries.
Audrey and May were great readers, but everyone thought that was strange because, who reads for fun? They thought. They just loved to lose themselves in books, it only took them s short time to read books. Books were like life to them. If you wanted to know a good book to read, they could tell you.
“hey! Here is my stop! See You tomorrow Amy!” Audrey called.
“Bye!” Amy said, as Audrey ran to her house.
“MOM! I’M HOME!!!!!” Audrey yelled as she came into the house. She stopped to smell the sweet scent of her house which smelled like flowers her mother had just put on the table.
“Audrey your home! How was your day?” Her mother, Cindy, answered.
“Eh, is Iris home? Oh, and the flowers smell great!” Audrey asked. Iris was her little sister she was 11 and in 5th grade, not held back just had a December birthday.
“Wait, what do you mean by Eh?” Her mother asked.
“Well………...I had to run the stupid laps in gym today. They think we like this stuff! Or they just want to torture us.” Audrey said. “Oh yeah, can I go to the mall with Amy tonight?”
“Sure.” Cindy answered.
“Thank! I’m gonna go get iris, and I love the flowers!“
“I put a rose in your room, since I know how you like them.“
“Thanks again! IRIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Audrey called up the stairs.
“What?” Her sister came out of her room. She had long brown curly hair with hazel eyes. Also tall for her age, she was almost as tall as Audrey!
“Want to watch an Avatar Episode? Please?” Audrey asked.
“OK!” Iris answered as she came down the stairs. It might be strange but they were friends even though they were sisters. They never fought, and were truly each others best friend. They also shared interests that were the same. Like Avatar: The Last Airbender, Danny Phantom, Phantom of the Opera, Wicked, and of course Cirque Du Freak! She was only on the 6th book though.
“Let’s watch the cave of two lovers! Because it’s a musical and I love the plot. It’s so beautiful, two lovers loved each other even though there tribes were feuding, they might have been from different worlds! But then, while meeting, the man dies and the woman almost kills everyone, but decides to use his death to bring everyone together.” Audrey said.
“Yeah, we can watch that, but that’s really deep for a cartoon.” iris said.
“Shut up!” Audrey said jokingly, as she sat and watched the show with her sister.
Later that Day, it was time for Audrey to go meet Amy at the mall. Her dad got home and he took her and they picked up Amy on the way. Her dad’s real name was J. Just the letter J.
“So are you going to see a movie?” J asked.
“Probably, but we have to see what’s playing first.” Audrey replied.
“I hope they have a scary movie playing, those are fun!” Amy said.
“YEAH THEY ARE!!!!!!!!!!” Audrey replied. They loved scary movies. They weren’t scary to them; they laughed and screamed at the same time throughout the whole movie.
“Here you guys go, I’ll be back to pick you up at 9:30.” Her dad said.
“OK thanks!” Audrey said.
“Yeah, and thanks for the ride!” Amy called, as Audrey’s dad left.
“So, what do you want to do?” Amy asked.
“Let’s go to Clarie's, I love how it’s turning Goth now!” Audrey said.
“Me too!”
They walked toward the shop and looked around; Audrey glanced at her watch and saw it was 7:30.
“Hey, let’s go see what movies are playing.” Audrey asked Amy.
“Yeah, lets!” Amy replied.
“Let’s go around the mall, its faster that way.” Amy said.
“Okay!” Audrey said, “Let me put on my jacket.”
Audrey put her Phantom of the Opera, “phantom Phanatic” zip up sweatshirt on, and Amy put on her yellow zip up sweatshirt. They walked out the doors, and silently along the mall. The cool air nipped at their skin, they were suddenly wishing they had thicker jackets. A train whistled as it speed not to far away. Their were train track all around their town.
They turned the mall a corner and were about to go into the other side , when Audrey saw a lone light in the distance.
“Hey, whats that?” Audrey said.
Amy turned her head, and saw the light. It was a small fire lamp, used when electricity wasn’t invented.
“What do you think it is?” Amy asked.
“I don’t know.” Audrey said. Straining her eyes to see it.
“Do you think we should check it out?” Amy asked, a tweak of adventure in her eyes.
Audrey was hesitant about it, what if it was some psycho guy wanting to kill them or worse. I mean, they were only 16, well Amy was 17, but that was because of her September birthday. “Do you think it could be a bad person?” Audrey asked.
“Why would they be right here?” Amy asked.
“Because they wouldn’t be seen, this is the back of the mall.”
“Well, if you don’t want to……………”
“I guess its OK, we can go see.” Audrey said. Her adventurous side coming out.
“Lets go!” Amy called and headed towards the fire.
haha, thanks fr alll the commenst ans the grammer error point outs, i just am terrible at the their, there, they're things. but thanks! i'll try to keep posting!
Hey tharr, reviewer Sela, reportin' fer duty. I must warn you I don't like to nitpick, so if you're looking for a lot of grammar mistakes pointed out, you're not in luck, kiddo. xD
First, I'd suggest you read over the work you're posting before you put it up on YWS, just to catch typos, and things like:
This incorrect 'there' (which would be correctly put as 'their') was probably just a typo, but it, along with a few others like it, gives the story an air of inexperience, and when left unedited, can seriously impair the flow of the whole chapter. Also, at the beginning, you say 'class of 16 year olds.' Unless I'm dreadfully mistaken, it's grammatically correct to write out the numbers, like this: 'sixteen-year-olds.' However, 'twould probably sound better as 'class of sophomores,' or something like that.
Alright, so overall, I didn't like this very much. I'm not one for fanfiction, but especially how boring this chapter was made me feel like if there ever were following chapters, I wouldn't feel particularly inclined to read them. Here's an example...
It's three whole paragraphs of telling - AAGH! Yes, it really is that bad. You need to find a better way to show this, maybe have her passing more notes back and forth with... Amy, was it? I know they talk later, but that doesn't tell much. Three little notes - the 'du' in 'Cirque Du Freak' should be capitalized, as should 'A Living Nightmare,' (and there should be a space between the colon (This thing - : ) and the 'A.' Fanatic is spelled with with a 'f,' not 'ph.' =D
You could also have her answer the question a certain way, like:
See? Little interjections like that flow much better than long slogging paragraphs of the narrator telling you all about the character. It looks cooler, too.
Good luck with your story! On YWS, everyone improves on their writing like that! -snaps fingers-
-SELA
P.S. I'd suggest you liven up this chapter a little bit - like I said, it doesn't do much to excite the reader. That's not always bad, some stories start like that, but perhaps just a little hook to make people want to follow this fanfic right to its end.
I loved it!!
I know what you mean when you said that it left so many possibilities, and you just keep imagining different characters in their world.
Well maybe two words, but you get the point.
Oh and you can't forget the dancing elephant 
I'm in love with your story mainly because it's the first Cirque Du Freak fan fiction. I was reading this and it made me want to go and reread this series again.
I think that you did a good job on this I liked how it showed into her world before you turn she's turned into a vampire. Mainly because it'll be easier to understand how she feels later on when she's in the future when she becomes a vampire.
While reading this I could only think of one word. Super cooleeo!!!
Anyways I like how you made it were her whole class read the book. No idea why though.
Well I guess over all what I've been trying to say is you better be working on the next one right now, because if stop this series I'll probably go and crawl in to a hole and bawl my eyes out.
Because this was so good I'm giving it a ninja and other cool smiley faces!