Victims

Hello!

Wonderful, wonderful poem! At first I was actually only skimming this poem, as I was listening to music and had to take my dog on a walk. As I finished the first stanza, however, I had to put my headphones down and leave my shoes off for a few more minutes.

I do have some comments on the structure of the poem, though this have already been said in a way by other reviewers. While the four-line-per-stanza structure of the poem helped with the flow, the way some of the lines were written took the reader (or myself at least) out of the poem. It felt as if the lines within the poem were chipped in a way, making the reading a tad bit bothersome.

Grammar was another problem with the poem. Now personally as a writer I struggle with grammar; and I feel that the rules of grammar don't need to apply to poems as much as they do to other literary works. That being said, many poems can be improved they abide by the rules of the English language. This was one such poem. None of the lines were inherently bad but commas could have been put in place throughout the poem (I direct you to Anwesha's review for what specific changes to make.)

Reading them over again, I feel that my two middle paragraphs conveyed a sense of disapproval over the poem. If that's true, then consider what I said within my first full paragraph to be the message of this review. More aspects of the poem were helpful than not, and it was an incredibly enjoyable, thought provoking poem.

Keep writing!

Ben Dietz.

Okay, so I really liked this. It had an excellent rhythm, a nice steady beat. I assume that's because you used four lines per stanza. Its message was clear. Every one of the four line stanzas had a distinct purpose and brought about an air of thoughtfulness.

I don't have much to say in way of criticism, but I would suggest you treat your stanzas and lines more like sentences. For example, I would lay out your poem like prose and then look at how it is punctuated. Does it make sense? Should it be changed? Unless you're trying to be artistic, it's a good idea to follow the basic laws of grammar. Every line needn't be capitalized. For example, if one line is the continuation of the line above it, why would you capitalize its first word? It would be like writing a sentence and deciding a word in the middle needed to be capitalized. Unless it was a proper noun or such, that wouldn't make much sense.

Also, the last stanza? It was a bit more nonsensical as the ones before it. I'm not exactly sure what you're saying. I'm unsure of what the mission is or how one could know love, but not understand what it means. I mean, I can understand knowing the definition of love in a dictionary, knowing what the word means, but not understanding how to feel it or how to notice when someone feels it towards you.

Anyway, it was an interesting poem and I enjoyed it. It just needs a bit of editing.

Keep writing,
Cas

Hey Rose!
It's quite a thought-provoking poem you have here. It has got a deep insight and well-considered judgement of human life. Though you have brought into light some of the harsh truths, yet, I feel it was quite a pessimistic approach to something that is not really so sordid in nature. But then, to each their own. It's, after all, entirely what you believe it to be.
Coming to your poem, here are a few things I'd like to point out. I myself am not an expert or something, so just a few suggestions.

Born to life, we take to living
Like tradesmen lacking needed skill,(a comma here would sound better)
Faced with tasks that want completing
Armed with little more than will.

By Infant steps, we learn our games
And building confidence, attempt to fool
Other players as we gain
An understanding of the rules.(Perfect!)

Fully trained, we join the quest
With social customs sculpturing our dreams
To wonder when defined success
Once held, falls short of what it seemed.(The last two lines sound a bit confusing. I got what you wanted to say, but you could have put it in a better way. 'To wonder' didn't seem very suitable to me.)

We live as victims of a sad mistake
Taught to touch, but never taught to feel,(Comma!)
Schooled not in giving, but in how to take,(Here again.)
We learn to wound, but seldom learn to heal.(I liked the stanza in all, really.)

And sadder still must be the making of
A world hell-bent on its mission
Kept from grace by knowing love
But not its definition.(Good ending.)

It was a great poem, with a well-maintained rhyme scheme. Keep writing and keep improving. Good luck!

Anwesha