An ancient ship set out for the end
The sail is raised, all men aboard.
There are decks to sweep, duties to tend,
There is no compass, no map, no shore.
The captain emerges, he wears a grin
He passes every sailor standing attention.
His arms are round though his face is thin
He proposes plans to another demention.
The anchor is lifted, the stern is set
Dead seamen begin to sing and talk
The tell of their lives, what they regret,
And what it was like to breathe and walk.
They capture new sailors, then lay to rest,
Because their only time in life is death.
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
I like this poem.
An ancient ship set out for the end
The sail is raised, all men aboard.
There are decks to sweep, duties to tend,
There is no compass, no map, no shore.
The captain emerges, he wears a grin
He passes every sailor standing attention. ('standing to attention'?)
His arms are round though his face is thin
He proposes plans to another demention. (I believe the word you're aiming for is 'dimension'. I would change this line though anyway as the rhyme feels rather forced. There aren't many words that rhyme with attention. Try something like 'standing straight and tall'. That can rhyme with all (plans for them all?), ball, call (someone could call), maul, paul etc. Or you could say 'standing tall and straight', and rhyme it with weight, crate, mate (something about the first-mate?). Or do something different...)
The anchor is lifted, the stern is set (Maybe think of a better word than 'lifted'?)
Dead seamen begin to sing and talk
The tell of their lives, what they regret,
And what it was like to breathe and walk. (I LOVE THIS VERSE! I might have said 'breathe air, personally. It feels better.)
They capture new sailors, then lay to rest,
Because their only time in life is death. (the last line is truly wonderful. Not sure about 'then lay to rest' though. It's alright, but could be improved.)
Very good poem, good rhymes. A B A B is a tough rhyme-scheme! Definitely dramatic and dark....
Good work!