Published February 28, 2009
*NOTE-this is goes from third person to first person. Just throwing it out there, wanted to see how ya'll liked it.
The two girls plopped down on the trampoline, both of thier hearts pumping rapidly.
"Angelina!!!" The smaller girl screamed.
"What?" Angelina replied.
"Who do you like?" The girl giggled. Angelina laughed.
"No one!!! I swear!"
"I like someone." They were silent. Suddenly, Angelina was wrestling the other girl.
"Who? Who? Tellmetellmetellme!! Puh-leeeeeze?"
"Okay! I'll tell you. Promise not to tell."
"Brooke, I promise. Cross my heart, hope to die, shove a needle down my thigh." Angelina told her.
"Okay. I like Jake Flowers." Brooke confessed.
"No!"
"Yea!!"
"No!"
"Yes!"
"Seriously?" Angelina shrieked.
"Yea." Brooke shivered. "Think he likes me?"
"Idunno. Maybe."
Brooke's mother came out. "Girls, its time for lunch!"
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139,556 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...so this seems to be a pretty small little excerpt right here. It is a little difficult to try and place exactly where in a story this might be from here since it seems like it could fit pretty much anywhere, although it also clearly does not actually manage to stand on its own given the number of things that just have no context whatsoever here.
Now besides that slightly confusing side of things, analyzing this solely as a conversation, I really do like the dialogue here. I think its very natural and you can instantly guess at the sort of relationship these two characters probably share and its pretty easy to imagine how something like this would happen in real life.
I also love the little actions you've added in amongst all the dialogue. It really brings the whole thing to life very well and helps tremendously in making this scene very easy to imagine. I think you've really done a wonderful job with this whole piece here, and no matter where it slots into in a story, this would do really well.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello Aubree! Well, you've successfully made me giggle. I could totally imagine this happening. Sort of. I have my own, definitely off version of the story in my head.
First of all, I won't be correcting any spelling or grammar mistakes (you have a few). Except for this one: you've misspelled "their" in the first sentence. Anyway, you said that your story goes from third person to first person. Where? I don't see any first person in your story.
Also, we know absolutely nothing about your characters. How old are they? What do they look like? What are their personalities like? We literally don't know anything about your characters except that Brooke likes somebody named Jake Flowers.
Where are your characters? What season is it? Is it warm or cold outside? Are they in an expansive backyard? A small front yard?
If this story is going to be continued, I would suggest adding a lot more details. Even if it isn't going to be continued you should seriously consider adding just a few more details. At least the age of the girls and how they look and where they are. It would make this much more enjoyable to read. But don't just tell us. Show us where they are and how they look through dialogue. Have them say something like, "I love your blue shirt." or "You have such beautiful brown hair. I wish my hair looked like that." Except make it sound like it could actually be written in a story. Not like my horrendous example.
If you have any questions please PM me!
-Winter
Note: You should also try to avoid using more than one exclamation point at a time.
It's good so far, but I would suggest some use of adjectives and a couple of short descriptive paragraphs here and there to give us a feel for what's actually happening. Other than that, I like it. The dialogue between Brooke and Angelina seems very real to me
Hi Aubree!
I found this quite a humourous short story, but with many grammatical mistakes and problems. I'll just quickly correct it without any explanations as I'm sure you know all of them.
Overall, to be honest, it wasn't anything special, but I did feel a bit of a laugh growing inside me. I'm sure you're a great writer though, and keep posting works!
ThienThienThien,
Well, there's no plot, no depth to the characters, hardly a setting, no background information, and it's rather short...so what do you want us to critique?
It's kind of impossible to critique with as little information as you've given us. If this is the beginning to a story, then it's kind of catchy, but in the future try not to start stories with dialogue because it kind of takes away from the start. Honestly, this seems a little like a fan-fiction more than a romance story.
Try to add more details in between the dialogue, too. Like when you told us Brooke's mother came out, where did she come out from? And where were the two girls in the first place?
Try to show us things in the story as well as tell.