The truth: Like a cold steel cylinder, hammer, powder, and lead. Pressed and pointed at the back of my head.
“You can have any boy you want, so why would you want me.”
My words slithered from my mouth, and wrapped around her tongue. Squeezing it like an Anaconda, she chokes speechless.
My motionless glare, her mouth is partially open, and she’s playing with her hair. She can’t think of a word to tell me.
The truth does that to people.
It puts on a pair of brass knuckles, and clobbers you across the face.
There is that pinnacle point between the time frame of Truth’s brass knuckle shattering your metaphorical jaw, and the point where you lay on the floor having a flash back of realization of everything you ever saw.
After you lay there defeated, you knees are weak, strength and hopes depleted.
It showers down on you, enlightenment. You realize that you needed this wakeup call. You’re grateful Truth had you on speed dial.
You pick yourself up off the ground. You’re broken down. The mountain you must struggle up again is waiting.
Listen you get another chance, you’re not dead. Perhaps this time you’ll think with a clearer head.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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You are very welcome!
God bless.
Thanks a lot! I really liked all your thoughts, and how you reformed my sentences to flow better.
I wrote this really fast, and I didn't go back to look about what I could change yet. So I'm really grateful to have your input.
Thanks a million for the review, and your time.
- Atticus
Okay. I have never really read a poem like this before... I like the uniqueness of it all, but it is a bit confusing at times, and is a bit too fast-paced.
This sounds so much better and it flows more, but if you want to modify it a different way, go right ahead. U=It is just that this line is not that well stated.Question
Sounds better and flows better (good imagery, by the way)
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At this time we are no longer talking about a boy and a girl, and that confused me. It might be best to stay with a central point to guarantee maximum clarity.
Way too long, in my opinion, to be in a poem. The reader gets lost in all the long words inside this long sentence. Short and sweet is better.
present tense
Kind or redundant of the last line.
sounds better
Well, those are my nitpicks.
Keep on writing, this poem was interesting.
Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ shiney1 Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ
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