I have posted this poem before, but I just made a video for it on my youtube channel so I thought I'd re post it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y1yKA6QXQ8U
The ghost above us whispers vague words.
Stories about towers tall.
Stories about a rise and fall.
He talks about an Emperor.
He talks about an Empire.
He mumbles on about a girl who sung in a choir.
He said she burned within the Emperor’s fire.
We asked how long he’d been a part of the spiritual higher.
He replied, I’ve wondered this world for over millenniums.
I’ve seen the rise of the pyramids built, and every flower wilt.
I’ve saw David capture Jerusalem, I’ve seen the Olympics, and the birth of Rome.
I’ve seen the Persians at war, I saw Siddhartha breathe his last in tranquil majesty.
I’ve seen the first brick placed of the Great Wall.
I’ve seen this all. Even your two towers fall.
The ghosts drifts off without us feeling his presence leave.
To think we were in such contact with an entity full of history.
I reflect back on myself full of questions and mysteries.
I wanted to ask what the ghost saw of this world though his transparent yet all seeing eyes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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great job. I liked how you organized things into different stanzas, but I guess there might be some typos, and you should probably proofread your work. For example:
It might be a typo, but it's supposed to be, I've SEEN David capture Jerusalem. But this is pretty well done.
Good Job, AND KEEP WRITING!!!!!!!!!
-Kat
I too am having a problem with the tenses going on in this phrase
Side note: is it pathetic that when I saw "two towers" I immediately thought of Barad-dur and Orthnac from Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers?
You don't have to answer that question. I think you should write the passage above so that the words "I've seen" and "I saw" alternate.
So that's how I would fix that problem; and I think it's grammatically correct because the "saw's" correspond with instances that happened once.
Besides that, another job well done.
Hello, I really like this. I only have a couple of critques.
First of all, I think that it's a little rambley in certain places.
Exapmle;
I think this part is a little to much of a list for the poem. I think some parts should be kept and some ommited.
It was overall a pretty good poem. It's very....different. Keep writing!
-Lexi