Hey yws! Long time no post for me, I've recently joined my college's writers club! (I'm in college now.. Does that mean I'm still young? D:) And realized I should probably start writing again soon. Anyways, I just wrote this down off the shot of some instant motivation. Hope you guys have all been doing well!
Beckon, Destiny’s distance is draggin’ me downward.
Beckon, Rachael’s rejection left me realizing all my regrets.
Beckon, Elizabeth’s equilibrium is embodied in a sword.
Beckon, Haley’s half-witted smile has me hindering, and mixing her cassettes.
Beckon, I’ve made it to another winter.
Beckon, I’ve lived this long without you.
Beckon, I’ve learned that I have all I need.
Beckon, But I'll still cry, and I'll still plead.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I didn't really like this, it sounded like you were trying a little too hard to leave a resonant message. But nothing for me, I'm afraid. As the other reviewer said, the alliteration was a little pointless, and if I'm going to be blunt; annoying. I don't understand, who are these characters? What have they to do with what you're writing. It's difficult to portray more than one character effectively in a poem, and lots of liens with lots of names just confuses the reader. I know you did it for alliteration; I'd just ask why?
A tip;
Lose the gimmicks, alliteration is fine if it flows naturally, but forcing things like that just don't feel right to a reader.
Really, it's not horrible. It's okay, but there are some really great poems on this site, the majority of which don't use any needless alliteration. I'm going to be honest and say I didn't even understand your message due to the fact that I didn't want to read it. Entice the reader, invoke their wonder. Then blow their mind.
~JCK.
Tiresome alliteration, meaningless names, and redundant repetition...
You asked for it. :p For those reasons alone I'd suggest going back to the drawing board, so to speak. It's good that you're writing again though, and getting involved at school, which, I assure you, doesn't render your youth null and void.
EDIT: I've seen your other poetry, so I know you can do better than this.