If I could leave to Baltimore tonight, Texas would never see me again.
You see we wrap ourselves up in thought.
We wrap ourselves up in the hope of people that we know won’t be there.
We do it anyways, because we all want to fight for some one.
We do it anyways, because nothing is as powerful as the tapestry two people can mend.
Yet it is the most fragile intangible concept we as human create.
We set ourselves up constantly to be knocked back down.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello, Atticus! Welcome to YWS and I hope you’re enjoying your time on the site!
So, I have one little comment about a specific line:
For some reason, every time I read this line, that little “to” gets skipped which changes the whole meaning of the line. I thought on this a good bit and if you like it, of course, I think you might be better off using “reach” instead of “leave to.” It’s just a suggestion but something I thought I should point out.
As far as the whole poem goes, though, I think you could give a lot more. There’s so very little here right now. Dig into the idea a little more. I can see that you have a great start but right now, it’s kind of, well, the skeleton of what could be. Talk not about the distance but what the narrator feels because of that distance at least as a thought. Explore the emotion that this poem could have.
If you have any questions, feel free to leave me a post on my wall or send me a PM.
~lilymoore