Published July 11, 2011
It's 5:00 a.m in Texas. I'm half asleep writing. So this hasn't been edited, and not really finished.
It kinda flew out of my mouth so I just wrote it down. I don't know if it's even worth finishing. It started out as a poem, but quickly grew into something else, and I had no intentions of stopping it. Sorry if it bothers you with the unorthodox style.
I can feel the ghost in my beat seat.
When I look up in my rearview mirror our eyes meet.
I start to shake, and my stomach feels weak.
The ghost disappears.
I exhale in relief.
The road is getting blurry, and my friend besides me looks worried.
I remember him saying something like, “Hey, Evan. Do you want me to drive? You’ve been on the road for a while now, you can take five.”
I probably should have taken his request in debate.
I feel asleep at the wheel, and the car stampeded like an un-railed freight.
I remember hearing the window shatter and the impact of my jaw on the steering wheel.
Re-enter reality.
Under white halogen lights, the cliché image of a blurry doctor comes into focus.
I’m left in wonderment, an overwhelming sensation of unknowing surfs in.
It’s high tide.
I blacked out again, wondering if I’d die.
I’m awaken by a voice, I instantly picture the doctor above me.
I’m wrong.
“I tried to warn you, but you didn’t give me enough time to speak.”
Hovering above my bed reflected image, hands in his pockets casting down on me.
The ghost from earlier tonight.
The unexplainable parallel existence present in my ER room.
He speaks with a sigh, “Your friend is three rooms down, and he’s a little banged up. He’ll pull through though.”
“As for you, the doctor removed a lot of shattered jaw bone out of your mouth and you’ll be wired shut for quite some time.”
I hadn’t even noticed yet that I wasn’t able to move my mouth, and when I did the pain quickly punished me for my foolishness.
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139,441 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
Okay so great rhymes, great imagery, great story and great content.. great theme too. Overall this was great. It could be better though.. If you put some order in it. Right now I can't find a flow, the lines differ to much from each other and the poem would get a better overall impression if you cut it into stanzas
Good Luck & Keep Writing
// Demoness
I liked it. You should try to clear up the tenses a little bit because you kind of alternate between past and present. I like the way you described the accident, like snapping back to reality and everything. Also, the rhyming was pretty good. It was a little forced a few times, but it's hard not to force rhymes. Anyway, good poem. I thought it was good. You should write some more.
I liked it a lot. The idea of it. I do think you should finish it though. Good start.
-Lexi
I did actually really like this, except the last line. I feel it sort of ruined it a little.
Whooo! Thank you everyone for the words and thoughts, it means a lot! I will take this piece back to the lab, and try to finish it soon.
For some reason this felt like a rap to me. Not that that's a bad thing at all. I tried it. It failed. I can't rap for my life
Anyway, this is actually really good and a great concept. To see the ghost in the backseat before you crash. Very nice imagery and gives the reader that deep foreboding feeling. I thought maybe his friend was going to die. Is it done?? You have to finish it!
Veritas
This is definitely worth finishing, though I even think the current 'ending' is passable. Your rhymes are creative and interesting, though sometimes they do feel a little cumbersome. Maybe you could break it up into a stanza or two, one in rhyme, one not in rhyme? There are just some places where I felt the need for a rhyme kind of messed up the rhythm, and I'm of the opinion that the rhythm is more important of the two. (I'm not that experienced as a poet though, so take my advice with a grain of salt).
As for the story side of the poem, I thought it was really good. You gave us a decent character in a short poem and there was a good amount of feeling I got in the end. And the ghost was also a nice touch; I'm still a little curious to who he is (or was). Good job.
Hmm. I liked it. It rhymed pretty well. I like your descriptive lines. It creates images in my head.
Also, I loved that there were no spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors. As a reader, I can't stand to see sloppy work.
I, personally, think you should finish it. You're leaving your readers in suspense. It's not fair!
Nice job!
- Ariel.