Dearest Albion,
The news that I have received as of late, including that state of yours, has been concerning me as well as your daughter.
Taking care of her may not tire me out, however for as long as you said, it is a challenge that I do not wish to face. I refuse to face much longer, it is a hassle, and she is a beast of a girl.
Not worth taking care of, she lashes out, she bites, even when long out of that age. Long no longer a teething newborn.
What you must do is shoulder your responsibility and take her alongside you to your new stay. Even if your mistress may not allow, I have a right to demand so.
Nearly burned by your decisions, I do not want you to do the same to her. Return safely without the curse hanging over your head.I expect you to return by the latest of the third moon of the rising year.
-Amel.
And so, the Letter was set down, discarded on the stone, read through by the man who once called her his wife. A sad sight it was, the last thing she had written, yet he still did not hesitate.
Swiftly without another word, he had returned, leaving behind the lady he had left for. And standing in front of the doors was when he saw her, hanging damp and red, soaked by the crimson of her own.
The girl, stood next to her, was smiling up, the fangs ever red.
Now he turned towards the second stone, memory left at the first.
The one of the girls he so cared for, his daughter as he called her, being a wretched monster, he put end too. No choice, he had to have done it.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Alright, I really enjoyed the letter half of this story. I think it was well written and easy to read if not a little repetitive in places. That said, the second half of the story was a challenge.
I like the ideas that you have, and I think it could make a really good horror short, but right now it's rough. There was multiple (and sadly I do mean multiple) lines that felt so unfinished. It was like you had started writing a sentence and then picked up the next one in the middle of the previous without ever closing it off. I tried to put little questions in some places where this was evident to me.
My suggestion would be to go through this story and read it slowly, out loud. Ask yourself if the sentences make sense. Have a beginning, middle and end, and then ask yourself if your reader will 100% understand what you are trying to say.
My next suggestion would be to give us some more detail. Don't show us everything that is happening with the father at the end. I want to see some of his thoughts or emotions. How would he feel to see his daughter turn into a monster? What did it feel like to come back to see the mother of his child hurt in the way she was. Just because it is a short story doesn't mean it can't have meat and to it rather than just bone.
All in all, thank you for sharing this work and I hope you have a wonderful night.
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Albion has shouldered his wife, Amel, (ex-wife, perhaps) with the responsibility of taking care of their daughter. However, she is quite a monster and Amel must now take care of this creature.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I was a little confused about the part with the girl hanging red, because I wasn’t sure if you were talking about Amel or the daughter. But I think that the daughter killed Amel!
Chocolate Bar - I love that you described how Albion caring for the daughter even though she’s a monster, because he does love her, and the line where it says that he has to kill her feels like it has more weight to it. It is not something that he wishes to do, but he feels like he must.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a rather sorrowful story on decisions someone must make on people they love. I have enjoyed reading this and if you ever wanted to do a story on these characters, then I will be certain to read it!
I wish you an amazing day/night! ^v^