In the Dark

A very beautiful poem that, with a little polishing, has a lot of potential. A small suggestion - the line can be a full sentence as separating them to a great extent causes the reader to topple over the lines. Nitpicks aside, I really like the vocabulary in this poem. Words like divergence really bring out the stanzas in an interesting, sophisticated way for the reader to enjoy. It also brings out the story. Little more for us since you have taken the time to carefully pick your wording. The use of free verse also makes it very personal as if you are speaking from the heart and not trying to keep within the strict boundaries of a rhyming or syllable scheme. Overall this was a very good attempt at a serious poem and I can't wait to read more from you. -Marshymallow

Hey Flash~

This was strange and cryptically beautiful. Your poem reminds me of "The Time Machine" by H.G. Wells. I don't know if you've read it, but it's about an English inventor who creates a time machine and travels to A.D. 802,701, where he meets these futuristic creatures called the Eloi. They are afraid of the dark for some reason, and after a while of being in their society, the Time Traveller realizes that it's because of these ape-like animals, the Morlocks, who live in darkness underground and surface only at night. The Eloi are described as fragile and childlike, and live in the light because the Morlocks are afraid of it. But the Morlocks are fragile too, because they are vulnerable to their own fear of the light. They just eat the Eloi because that's all they know.

After you finish falling asleep after I droned on forever about an old book, I'd like to review your poem.

Basically what I was getting at is that the people in your poem remind me of the Eloi and the Morlocks. Throughout your piece, two characters are described: the man that is afraid of the dark, and the woman afraid of the light. At the end, despite rejection from their own societies, they both learn to live together in peace because they realize that being lonely together is better than being entirely alone.

"They live within the daylight,
consuming positive energy and
sharing their love.
They feed on happiness
and live off passion.
They die from hate;
slaughtered by harsh feelings.
Such very fragile creatures
that cannot handle
themselves once
the night comes."

I think that changing this whole first stanza so it includes the "he" pronoun instead of "they" and conjugating your verbs accordingly would make more sense. Especially since in the second stanza you refer to the other character as a woman who dwells within the darkness, it would be more practical that the first person you are speaking of is the man later referred to in the poem. If that makes any sense. Of course, that would include changing (for example) "Such very fragile creatures" to "Such a fragile creature" and so on, you get me?

Also, I think that taking out the "that" in the third to last line of the first two stanzas would improve the flow. But this is a personal choice—if you don't feel comfortable changing it, than that's okay.

"She lives within the nighttime,
consuming hatred and
fearful thoughts.
Concealed beneath night’s veil,
with skin of shadows and
a heart of melancholy,
she feeds off of solitude.
Such a fragile creature
that cannot handle
herself once
the dreaded daylight returns."

This is a great stanza; it contains so much feeling and vivid imagery. I can imagine this woman you're referring to, even if you don't lay out her exact hair color and body shape for me. I can picture her in my mind, and whether or not it's the "right" image; sometimes it's good for a writer to leave room for alternate interpretations.

I actually agree with @Reet3103 when she said that your lines seemed uneven. And I'm going to tell you this because I know you're a good writer who wants to be better. For future works: When you read your poem aloud to yourself, does it seem choppy? Does it stir emotion within you? Does it make you're heart hurt, your facial expression change, or your mind wander? Does it make you feel something? If not, then something needs to be changed. This is YOUR poem. It's all yours. And if it doesn't make you want to laugh or cry, than is it gonna make your readers want to laugh or cry? Probably not. It's kind of like what they tell people on American Idol and shows like that: if you're not feeling the song when you're singing it, than no one is.

That being said, this poem did make me feel something. But there are things you can do to make it even better. This includes maybe altering the composition of your lines a little bit. So I'll make an example out of your second stanza for you to use as a little guidance:

"She lives within the nighttime,
consuming hatred
and fearful thoughts.
Concealed beneath night’s veil,
with skin of shadows
and a heart of melancholy,
she feeds off of solitude.
Such a fragile creature
cannot handle herself
once the dreaded daylight
returns."

I just made a few minor changes to how the lines flow together. Making these simple little changes, compressing a few lines, removing and adding words when necessary; it's the little things that make all the difference. If you can apply this finesse to your poetry, than you'll find that paint splatters can turn into masterpieces.

Honestly, I'm not going to note on every little nitpick I can, because I think you will find it easier now to look through and fix the little things. Anywhere you feel like you could use figurative language (metaphors, etc.) to accentuate the nature of you characters and their actions, do it. It draws your reader in. Think of it like the opposite of illustrating a book. Like you're looking at a picture, and you have to put everything on that piece of paper into words. Throw up all your feelings onto that page. Just let it all out, let your emotions do the talking, and just clean it up around the edges afterwards.

Your ending is marvelous. Two outlaws, finding a place to belong together, rejecting society as it has rejected them. You did such a great job with this. This was amazing, Flash. If you need any help with any of your works in the future, I'm here. I hope this helped.

Spoiler

Read the Time Machine; you might like it.

You have some strong word choices that really flow with your poem's theme. I like the formatting you chose for the line breaks, it really sets an interesting structure that's almost like an unexpected event being foreshadowed. The setting, plot and characters are very lovely, a very enjoyable, emotional read! This is very impressive to be your first serious poem. Keep up the great work

P.S. As a writer, the formatting is up to you. Work with it to your satisfaction. There's no standards or boundaries as a writer. Just write from the heart and you'll be satisfied!

Hello, Ashkitten here, ready to review your work. For this being your first serious poem I will say, congratulations on stepping out and trying something new. Serious suits you. You tell a story with this piece and I almost wish that it was a short story because i want to read more about this couple. Am I correct in assuming that it is about a female vampire and a male werewolf, their story of how they ended up alone and then how they ended up togther? I feel like if that is what you meant to convey then you achieved it flawlessly. I knew from which words you used what kind of creatures each of them were and I empathized their solitude along with them. I also am assuming this is a free verse since I can not find any definite rhyme scheme, which seems to work very well with the telling of the story. I think though that the first stanza could actually work well as the last stanza, and that starting off with their individual stories and then moving on to how they ended up together would make a little more sense in the telling of the story. It's just a suggestion. It's the only thing I'd do differently, really. The poem was beautiful, well written, and you need to keep writing, so I can keep reading your fabulous work. Great poem.

Heyyyy there.

Okay so, I'd like it more if you'd use capitals at the beginning of every line and space out your stanzas effectively. Look, Don't make your lines to short, if you want to, then do it throughout the composition.

It was very vague, give more input on the "creatures" part.

"Can I be lonely

with you?”

How can you be "lonely" with someone? You can be alone with someone. Okay, there are two lone souls, together they won't be. This didn't fit in.

I liked how you used the words to go about in the lines and their formation. I didn't look too closely because it didn't pull me in.

Your title demanded more from your composition.

But for a first timer (right?) this was amazing,

Kudos.

Keep writing, stay blessed.

xoxo