Published November 26, 2016
Name: Eli
Age: 19
Appearance: Dark jeans (ripped), tattered white shirt, holes in her brown leather jacket, and she is wearing a baseball cap with the Steelers symbol on the front.
Looks: Big blue eyes, very beautiful although she does not think so, pale skin, short, petite, and she has face freckles and blonde hair.
Weapon(s): A dull blade and a pistol.
Background: The reason behind the hat is that it is her only memory of her father. Her father loved the Steelers, she found it when she was on a supply run. She watched
both of her parents die and get ripped to shreds during travel.
Personality: She cares more about others than she does herself, she is very quiet, and she is insecure yet ready to fight.
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It was a normal evening for her and family, they were sitting around their usual dining room table, having dinner together. Suddenly, a man screaming from outside caught
their attention. Her parents told her to stay back, as she was an only child, they cared much about her safety. She started panicking, as her parents were gone for a
long time. She watched some television and ate some popcorn, assuming it was no big deal. They had an old man living next door, maybe he had just fallen. A lot of
thoughts crept into her head. After a long while she started to worry so she got up and she peeked through their front window blinds and she screamed. Her parents were
on the ground, in the driveway, being torn to shreds. There was panic in the streets and people were running. Eli could not take her eyes off of her suffering parents,
listening to their unbearable screams. She stepped foot outside and things were never the same again.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hello there, Kilg here for a review!
I'd like to start off by saying that this is definitely interesting. I'm not too sure why you wrote this and posted it here though.
You start off with a character description and then jump into writing what seems like a snippet of a roleplay idea?
I'd suggest starting a SB if you're interested in roleplay, or even going into the sub forums of just a simple roleplay unless you want a story base line. If you're looking for others to respond to this as a roleplay within the comments, then I would head over to the Storybook tap and write up a plan there. This place is for reviews, unless of course it's planned.
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I would also suggest rereading over this and fixing the format on the paragraph/snippet because it's a little out of place and hard to understand whilst trying to read it.
That's all for now. I hope you have a great day, and keep on writing!
~Kilg
Hello, Steggy here for a short review!
I first like to say this kind of work should be used in the storybook realm of YWS. This has the same concept of Character Chit-Chat, where you have a character (like this one) and have other people use their characters to interact with. It can get a bit confusing around this site but don't be afraid to ask some questions about what goes where.
As I was reading your short snippet about your character's story, the action happens quickly. In most cases, this can be roughly put together or you just want it to happen. A suggestion I would have for this would be research how to write good paced action scenes, how to bring them on and what to do after the action scene has happened. Also, description is key in most writing. It paints a picture for the reader because only you know what the character looks like. This might be a character for a novel or some sort but I would highly suggest, as I said, describe what he looks like, where his family lives, and some nice background would be nice (ex: why is the man screaming? Did the MC have anything to do with it?)
When you are writing, look over your work. From what I can tell, there are some format mistakes that can be easily spotted with a quick swipe of the eyes over it. In your description of Eli, you mention that her parents were killed while she was watching. However, in the writing, it seems she was inside while they were being killed. Unless, when she stepped outside, she saw her parents being eaten alive. Also, a child seeing their parents being killed in front of them would probably run back inside and try to do something. Grab some weapons and kill the monsters. Or pass out. Whichever works for you.
Overall, this piece could use some work but I'm sure in the long run it'll be wonderful to read.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy
Hi bud. My name is Ash (or Jelly). Anyway, this caught my eye. Okay so this is a roleplay thing. I do roleplay . Mostly on virtual space however. (You should get one,and add me I am Jelly on it). Moving on.
Why did you write this? Is someone supposed to respond to it. I usually do not ask questions about what people post on here, but this caught my eye. Are you going to update it? Now, it does have a lot of potential to it. Eli needs to be worked on. She needs real traits, she seems a bit flat. Why is she insecure? And I need more about her. Like show do not tell of course. Overall, this could use more work, and for something this short, this is all I was able to produce. If you ever want to RP with me, though, I would be delighted to.