"Listen to me. We run--don't look back," Shiela whispered coarsely in her son's ears as she peered out from behind the shady trees.
"Why not?" the boy asked. His hazel pupils were curious--knowing the emotions that his mother seemed to be juggling with at that moment. He tried to glance out from the trees too, the tip of his head showing from the bark. Immediately, Shiela pulled him back, a stern look across her pale face. Her blue eyes glared at him as she reached for a rubber band on her right wrist. It was rare to see Shiela Darren ever tie her hair up. This was a special exception--a deadly one at that, too.
As soon as she got her hair tidied in a tight ponytail, she shoved her strands of hair into the black hood of her sweater, tossing the hood over her head. "Don't ask questions, Josh," she said, "Just do as mommy says, okay?" She shoved something that reflected the light into her pocket, smiling at Josh. Her hands reached for Josh's hood, pulling it over the ten year old's head. The boy gazed up at his mother, feeling the shaking of her hands as she pulled the hood. He didn't ask questions. Instead, he watched as Shiela picked up another pebble--the tenth one today--and tossed it out onto the empty grass. It stayed there, unmoving, and the relief on Shiela's face was as manifest as the upcoming storm.
She tiptoed out, standing in the center of the opening, her eyes scanning the forest. Before long, she signaled for Josh to come along. He stepped abruptly onto the crunching leaves and Shiela shot him a deadly glare. At once, his footing lightened as he scurried to his mother's side. She held him tight against her body and listened for any movement. He felt his mother's body flinch at the sound of a snapping twig, not far from where they were standing. A harsh push sent Josh stumbling away from his mother, his body obeying to the call, "Run!"
He took off and Shiela followed shortly behind. From the shadows emerged a figure and her hands dug into her pocket, reaching out for the silver pistol in her hands. She shot once. The ringing of the gunshot echoed in Josh's ears as the bullet missed the figure, hitting the bark of a tree. Shiela's fingers tingled from the trigger, but she kept her hands firm on the grip, watching for any other signs of movement. Josh ran head on, without stopping. A movement caught the corner of Shiela's eyes and she pulled the boy back, shooting at the empty space ahead of him, then turning acridly to shoot behind her. Twice, the bullets missed and hit the trees. Josh clung to his mother's arms tightly, then remembering that he wasn't to be a coward. Hesitantly, he let go and watched as his mother stood guard.
"I'll help," he told himself, watching his mother's back. It was then that he saw it for the first time--the Unknowns. They had the solid bodies of humans, only their eyes were glassy as if they were dead and their internal bodies had nothing but wires. One of them was a young girl, an odd smile plastered on her face. She walked forwards, aiming for Shiela. Immediately, Josh threw himself at her and alarmed, Shiela missed the shot at the man behind the trees.
"No, get back, Josh!" Shiela literally spit out. The girl smiled wryly at the boy and before he knew it, he'd taken a hard punch in the stomach. He doubled over, gagging on the floor as the girl kicked him. Sweating bullets, Shiela ignored the Unknown behind the trees and shot at the young girl, watching her body shut down as the bullet penetrated her stomach. She wrestled the girl off of Josh and deftly turned to shoot at the coming Unknowns. Shiela glanced all around her, her son in her arms. They were surrounded. There was too many of them and the only safe sanctuary was at least miles from here. She'll buy time. Her son will survive and she'll do anything in her power to ensure it.
Her hands aimed at the closest Unknown as she yelled to be heard. Josh listened intently this time to his mother's words. "Josh, the safest place is outside this forest," she hurriedly explained, "There's a small village in the clearing. Once you get there, you'll be safe. No matter what you do, Josh, don't look back."
"But what about you, mom?" Josh asked, clenching the end of Shiela's sweater tightly. He was sensitive compared to most other boys in the old village. He knew what Shiela was choosing to do and didn't like it one bit. In a second, an Unknown hurled itself at him and he held back the urge to scream, picking up the rocks, throwing anything he can find at it. Not that it was effective. On his sixth rock, Shiela shot the Unknown and it fell to the floor.
She didn't take her eyes off the Unknowns but whenever she spoke, Josh knew it was for him. "Remember the tales about daddy I told you?" she asked.
Holding back the urge to cry, Josh nodded. "Dad was a brave man," he replied, his own voice wavering by the second, "He was smart, reliable, and kind."
Shiela smiled at her son, "Do me a favor, Josh." She shot again, this time missing. Without a second to spare, she inspected the bullets she had left. Five. She wouldn't hold up for long. "For me," she took her eyes off the Unknowns for a minute, looking Josh into the eye, "Find your dad. Find out his secrets. When the time comes, remember that I forgave him for everything."
Josh didn't respond. Had he known that those were among her last words spoken to him, he would've responded. However, he wasn't given the chance. At the exact moment that the gunshot rang out, Shiela shoved her son away from her. "Run, Josh!" she screamed as grey clouds released hard, cold rain, "Don't look back!"
The boy did as told, running as fast as his feet can take him. His feet pressed against the hard surface of the soil. One gunshot rang out from behind him. Even as his eyes threatened to tear up, he reminded himself that he wouldn't be a coward. His throat was burning and the rain made his clothes heavy against his body. Another shot echoed. Josh's legs grew weary but urged to keep running. He won't look back. The third shot came. He realized with regret that he hadn't told his mom that he loves her. Run back? Yell it out? Shiela reminded him countless times to not look back and to make the least noise as possible while running. Heavy regret continued to tug at his heart. The fourth shot was louder than all the others and rang in his ears.
From then on, the forest behind him was silent. Even as he was tempted to, his heart urging for him to, Josh never looked back.
This is a really effective prologue, and there’s barely anything wrong with it, just a few grammatical slips. The concept’s really good!
I like how the first sentence is dialogue. But there’s maybe too many repetitions of ‘hood’ in the third paragraph? This bit’s lovely: ‘as manifest as the upcoming storm’. But ‘then remembering that he wasn’t to be a coward’ should be ‘then remembered.’ And there should be a comma after ‘Josh threw himself at her and’. The sentences beginning, ‘She’ll buy time’, are slightly odd as they are in the present tense, I don’t know if this was your intention but they should be in past tense like the rest.
Also, ‘throwing anything he can find at it’ should be ‘could.’ And ‘Josh’s legs grew weary but urged to keep running’ would work better as ‘ Josh’s legs grew weary and he urged them to keep moving’ or something to that effect. Again, ‘won’t look back’ should be in the past tense not present. And ‘loves’ should be ‘loved’. I think the penultimate paragraph could be split down a bit more into maybe two or three, I’m a great believer in one line or one word paragraphs!
I absolutely love the final paragraph though; it really concludes the prologue brilliantly by tying that recurring theme into it.
Overall, it’s a thrilling introduction to what I’m sure is an amazing story, I’m intrigued to find out the rest of the plot!
Great job!
The beginning of the intro hooks me straight into the action, putting me into a different place as events start unfolding.
Like others have mentioned, there are a few verb tense errors, but for the most part, your story is error-free.
Also, if Sheila is thinking, italicizing the words is a great way to let the reader keep track of why the tenses switched, like when she thinks about buying time: She'll buy time. Her son will survive and she'll do anything in her power to ensure it.
I am anxious to see more of what happens!
Good Luck,
wildwildcat
I really do like this story. I want to know what happens to Josh, who his father is, and all that. There were a few spots that could use some work. For instance this part...
"Her hands reached for Josh's hood, pulling it over the ten year old's head. The boy gazed up at his mother, feeling the shaking of her hands as she pulled the hood."
You use the word hood too close together and it sounds off. Reword the second sentence, I don't think you even need the word hood, we'll know how he felt her hands shaking.
Also, in this part, you switched the tenses, and so it sounds off.
"The boy did as told, running as fast as his feet can take him."
Everything else is in past tense, this is in present tense and doesn't sound right. Fix that and your opening will sound fabulous.
This is completely like... not important to the story at all and won't make a difference at all one way or another. Besides I'm not a gun expert (I honestly don't know a single thing about guns really) But you said she had a silver pistol. A pistol small enough to put in her pocket, would only hold like 6 bullets. I think. I mean, that's just a comment, It wouldn't affect the story one way or another if you changed it or not. Haha. But so... yea... that's it.
I really loved it and can't wait to read more from this story and find out what happens to Josh. ^.^
5 owls out of 5
~Nightlyowl
Thanks for pointing out my mistakes! I really appreciate it!
Hey AthenaC,
I read your story and it is very good, I didn't even find spelling mistakes.It seems you have thought of this prolouge for a lot of time, that's why I tell you it is perfect.
I believe the story would be even better than this prolouge, Your prolouge's size is perfect, not too big, not too small. It as well doesn't hint much to the story itself, but gives the reader a faint idea about the story.
The title you chose is good, your writing style is even better, you make the reader's thoughts and emotions flow with the charachters, wich is a good thing and it helps in understanding.
I hope to see the next chapters soon, you have made me more excited and interested to read them.
Best wishes.