Author's Note: The formatting, capitalization and punctuation are done with intention.
- - - -
Do you see me?
Do you really?
Do the words I say
Or the things I do
Register with you?
Does what I do faze you?
If I stood in a crowded room,
Screaming at the top of my lungs…
Would you glance up from your glass
And take notice?
You don’t see me,
Not really.
Have you ever?
Your eyes may sweep over me,
They may take in the text that I type,
But do you really see it?
Do you really read it?
When you walk by me,
What do you see?
Do you see the woman with the brilliant smile
And cool, collected eyes?
Do you see the woman who can part the crowd with a single look
And hold a conversation with anyone she chooses?
Do you see the confidence? The practiced grace?
Do you see the façade?
Or…
Do you see the shy girl beneath the surface,
Terrified of what could happen,
Or of what won’t?
Terrified of never connecting,
Never moving forward,
Of always standing still?
Do you see me? Hear me?
Do you see her?
...Do you see no one at all?
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
I think this speaks really deeply about people who've been hurt to the point where they can only feel safe not coming out of their shell and by erecting barriers between themselves and others in the form of a personality that people will be able to readily accept as real as a means of escaping reality. The part that I find especially true was the bit about how vulnerable a person is underneath this self-erected barricade. I'm somewhat of a trekkie, and an analogy I find intriguing is what i am coining the enterprise metaphor: you could have 100% shield efficiency, but have hull breaches on all your decks. If you don't watch star trek, that could essentially mean you could take all sorts of attacks from other ships and come out from it, making you look very strong, but in reality your ship could be about to explode.
This is beautiful! I love it! The emotion that pours through is that of one who has been there, asked those questions. I cannot fathom how much this poem means to you, so I am happy to say that I have no nitpicks. I have been eyeing this poem for some time now, I think that there is no time like the present to read. So I did. And I love this poem.
~Kelpies
I really enjoyed this. It is calm, collective, yet in a way distraught as you struggle to express the lack of understanding the world has for you. I think we are all in that place. Lemme be cheesy and suggest, since we all feel this way, to all take a closer look at one another.
The only point of criticism I came upon while reading this was that you ask a series of rhetorical questions at the beginning, but don't answer them, and especially continue to use rhetorical questioning throughout. I feel it would have been essentially more elegant to mirror on either side of the middle divide: asking questions first, then giving answers. I don't know. I like symmetry.
Beautiful poem! Make more!
Baesch,
Thank you for the review. I can see how the lack of answers could be potentially jarring to those, like yourself, that like symmetry. However, despite this being my poem, I didn't think it right to try to answer those questions for someone else. This poem was meant to be ambiguous, vague in its detail while allowing for those who could relate to put themselves in the other's shoes, if that makes sense.
That said, I'm pleased to see you've enjoyed it! I hope that, when I make more in the future, they live up to the beauty you found in this poem.
I greatly appreciate this poem.
It has impressive truth to it, therefore I admire its depth. The fact thet you can recognize that every one is seen, but not really SEEN is incredible. I feel as though not too many people can understand that.
I believe that this is a wonderful statement about how no one in this world of distraction sees or really appreciates our individuality. The only way to catch some one's eye is too scream out loud, or make a fool of your self.
Thank you for this marvelous poem.
Shinobithief,
Thank you for the review. I'm thrilled that you found its depth to be one you could appreciate, and that you took it to the very place I'd intended it to go. In a world of self-absorption, does anyone really see what's around them anymore? Do they see who's around them anymore?
Thank you, once again.
This poem speaks to me and I know others (evident of their own comments and reviews). Not sure really where to begin because I could not find fault in this at all.
The second part:
This speaks volumes to be for many reasons and I hope that I don't begin to ramble as I try to explain myself. Firstly, the simple act in and of itself should shock and faze those in that area, but how often does this not happen? People come and go in the world and how often do we see them when they are standing right there shouting in our face?
Next, the ambiguous character that is standing there in the room can easily represent just about any random person in the world. The glass but one of many items they could have been holding, because it is just there for them to hold, something more for them to focus on rather than the person who is screaming for them to just see them. I know on countless occasions personally, have focused more on my glass or cup rather than pay attention to the person who was shouting in the same area as me.
I live in a big city and unfortunately I like many of my other city going brethren have been taught to ignore the world around us. Happy in our little bubble, while the world around us passes by. It is a sad, sad truth, which I feel is the exact nail that this poem hits squarely on the head.
Love this poem, the emotion and the overall ability for it to be relate-able on so many levels.Please, keep up the good work and as usual I look forward to reading more from you!
Eferhilda,
As always, thank you for the review. I'm pleased that you got what I was going for with this piece and hope my next piece lives up to expectations!
Oh man do I know what that's like! Especially where you wrote "Terrified of never connecting, Never moving forward, Of always standing still?" However after a while it becomes more frustration, then loneliness, then frustration 'til you can't take it any more, then you explode, preferably on paper. I specifically liked the part where you wrote "Can you see me? Hear me? Can you see her?...Do you see no one at all?" It's like you're asking "Do you even notice I exist?!" In fact this whole poem it was like you were begging someone, anyone, to notice. Though you slowly grew frustrated, then hopeless at the last line. Though I have to say it seems like you were heard! Anyways awesome poem! =^_^=
Markontheworld,
Thank you for taking the time to review my poem! I'm so thrilled that you connected with this as I'd intended it to be received. You read it for what it was: a cry of frustration from one who's felt invisible.
We've all been there at some point, where we've felt someone's eyes look at us, but do they really see us?
I'm glad you liked the poem. Thank you again for taking the time to share your thoughts.
This poem, like your last, I feel like it speaks to me. Nobody likes to feel invisible or insignificant, or a punching bag so to speak.
Those who have never truly experienced such a thing couldn't possibly understand or even appreciate just how powerful this is.
You just keep on doing what you're doing. You seem to have a knack for making your poems speak out.
Silence,
Thank you so much for the review! I'm glad that it spoke to you on such a level and pleased you grasped what I was going for.
I hope that my next poem will be as well received by you as this one.
Hello.
This is a very "visual" work. LOL.
I like what you have done with the formatting and I wouldn't have picked on it anyway. I think it's quite creative.
I don't understand who the characters are in this and it makes it quite hard to follow. Although, on the other hand I feel that the ambiguity suits this work.
Keep writing.
Renard,
Thank you for taking the time to review this poem! I'm pleased that you feel the formatting was creative and that you feel the ambiguity worked; As it was my intention not to paint specific characters but leave it open in that regard, it appears to have worked for you as I wished.
Thank you, once again!
Hello~
I think the first thing I'd like to say is that this is a topic I've pondered over before. It's highly relate-able to a lot of people I think, not knowing which is reality to others. There are a lot of good things in here which help make this poem what it is, such as the consistent flow, including the rhythm and repetition, and the word choice.
There are a few things I'd like to suggest that might help improve the poem, but this is basically the part where I go on a rant about what I'd do if this was my poem to edit, which it's not. The main thing I'd do is try to trim it down. We've got a lot of words at the beginning which hold the same repetitive pattern that makes this good, but it's repeating before we really get to the meat of the matter. If you trim it down, then you might find the scarcity of the repetition makes it richer, like not constantly having sweets can make them all the sweeter.
Also you've got a word spelled wrong. "Faze" is "phase" at least how I've learned it, but I can be pretty sucky at spelling =].
I feel like there is a lot of specifics in here which really make this poem shine, but also might be getting a little to specific without enough detail, like some of the details you put in here are just filler instead of completely utilizing the area to create a better scene of what is going on.
In this section we have two characters in a gathering. One is screaming at the top of their lungs, and the other has enough room to see them, so they're close, but also a glass. I'm not much of a party person, but it seems like we're talking about a party setting here. One with a glass, one being alone in a crowd. If that's the case, then why not put in some more sensory detail. For instance, if our narrator is screaming in a room with a band, then it's different than a room conducting a funeral. The setting is somewhat important for this example. If she's screaming at a rock party, well, everyone's screaming.
I understand the intent, but I feel like clarifying this example in a setting manner would improve it in a way that would make it more unique to the situation and particular poem. If it is important that they glance over their cup, then what were they drinking that makes it so important? Can the drink be considered a metaphor for something? What about the cup? These questions are easier to answer and learn to ask if we have details about what you consider important, and only what's important.
I'm not saying you haven't done that here, I'm just posing the question, why isn't the room important? Why is it just important that he has a glass? I don't think the room is important because the individual is in a room of life, and those in her/his room are those who are collected and interacting with her/his life. The glass could represent wealth, or prosperity, happiness, anything good because glasses usually have something in them, especially if they were tipped to lips to glance over. If the glass has something, then he has something which some other people do not, a natural resource that's expendable to whatever-it-is.
With this, if we knew what sort of room it was, we could infer more information, more guesses about what this could mean to us, and I think that would be pretty simple to add, just a word or two indicating something about why the people are in the room.
You do this a few other times, but I'll let you find them. ^.-
Anyway, I hope this helps. If it doesn't, please let me know.
Hi there, I read your review of the poem and it was quite well written and very detailed. But the part where you said 'faze' is 'phase' is actually incorrect. 'Faze' is the right word to use in that context and not 'phase' because phase means 'stages' or 'steps' in something, and does not go with the poem. One cannot say " Does what I do 'phase' you? ". But 'faze' on the other hand means to 'disconcert' or to 'disturb' just like saying " Does what I do 'disturb' or 'disconcert' you? "
I just thought I would point that out. But great review by the way.
~Armydah
Aley,
Thank you for the detailed and thorough review of my work. Where Armydah has already covered faze/phase, I'll focus on the rest of the review.
In some of my older works of poetry (not posted here), I used hardly any repetition at all. Others, as demonstrated here, I used it more. The style depends on the subject matter and what I feel is necessary in the piece to convey my point. Where you feel it's necessary to trim it down and take out some of it, I feel that it's necessary to be there, that it needs to stay where I put it as it has a distinct purpose.
What I'm not quite on the same page of would be your need for more detail on the portion you quoted. Where the meaning poetry is subjective, like any other art, I don't see where they confusion lies. If I could explain myself better, I would, but what I have in the poem itself, I feel, represents itself the way I wish it to. Eferhilda, who also reviewed this piece, seemed to grasp what I was going for and said it better than I could have articulated to my own satisfaction.
All in all, I'll keep what you've said in review as things to remember for future reference. Thank you, once again, for taking the time to review this.
Hello, Asteria.
Kanome here with a review for you.
I love the way you used the formatting and punctuation.
It made the poem more intense and interesting like that.
SO I am glad you used that intentionally c:
My favorite lines were:
"Do the words I say
Or the things I do
Register with you?
Does what I do faze you?"
I don't know why, I just like rhyming in poems. They make them more fun to read c:
Anyways, I don't see anything wrong with your piece so my only suggestion to you is...
Keep up the awesome poetry work, okay? c:
Hey, Kanome!
If I'm honest, that part of what I wrote is my favorite, too, rhyming wholly unintentional. 
Thank you so much for the kind review
I'll try to keep up with the "awesome poetry"!