Luminescent, the falling light of the moon cast an eerie glow over all left uncovered. Trees took on the iridescent glow, leaves shivering in the breeze that tore through their limbs. Light playing off the water so far below the cliff's edge, everything looked harsher, yet softer all the same. While the moon's glow seemed to show everything for what it was, emanation hitting each jagged edge of the broken cliff side, illuminating each wave as it crashed against the hard wall of rock, it seemed almost delicate. Almost as if falling wouldn't hurt, wouldn't kill any dreaded soul that happened to take a tumble, but rather that the light would envelop them, that each wave would just wrap them in a soft blanket of darkness, and they'd peacefully float off into oblivion.
A poetic way to die.
No sound could be heard above the crashing waves below, reverberating off the trees that scattered the cliff's line, the rustle of leaves and uncut grass waving lazily in the breeze. A light fog drifting through, any movement, apart from the shadows thrown haphazardly by the moon's spectral glow, was dampened, hidden. One didn't have to be seen should they not wish it, their very presence remaining unknown to the eye. Not that they cared if they were seen, but it was always nice to have that air of mystery, the ability to be hidden should they wish it.
Stepping from within the tree line, form staying close to the rough bark of the tree behind her, Chrystal's eyes scanned for her sisters, her coven. Frame standing at no taller than five-foot-six, she was easily concealed by the thick fog, the shadows the trees cast hiding her own easily.
They'd always met here, centuries of history housed within the stretches of the land, the water line hundreds of feet below. Something about a cliff's edge, the beauty of what could easily become impending death added to the sacred air of the place. While she'd never really thought it a big deal, it wasn't her place to comment, so she'd always held her comments within her burdened mind.
It was finally time.
Time for her to meet the rest of the members of the coven.
A mixture of nervous excitement flitted within her, a sort of jitter inhabiting her body as she stood there, arms clasping hold of herself to contain it. Meeting sisters meant she'd have a family to call her own. Granted, it wouldn't be a family by normal standards, but it'd be more than she'd ever had prior to this moment.
Living as a loner for most of her life, it hadn't been by choice, but by necessity. As it was hard to explain away the happenings that surrounded her growing up, she ran away. Better to be alone than to hurt those I care for, she'd always reasoned.
A solitary life with no risk.
Alone from the age of ten, she'd taught herself to hone her skill, her craft. It was a long process, arduous, riddled with errors, but she'd prevailed. Slowly taking a hold on her appearance, what was once a bright-eyed, chubby cheeked, curly-haired brunette, had shifted. No longer did curly locks of the darkest brunette lay claim to her features but instead a resplendent blonde, almost white, now resided. Her once green eyes, full of life and the envy of those who lay their sights upon them, now held the lightest blue, icy in illusion. Even her skin, once sun-kissed and warm, appeared ethereal, alabaster tones.
While Chrystal wasn't sure when all these changes had taken place, most who saw her would chalk it up to puberty, assuming such changes happened as she matured. It was far more...Far more than anyone on the outside would know, would want to know. Using her craft as much as she did, becoming one with her power, it was changing her. Her form was becoming so accustom to the cool, the ice, that the changes were inevitable. She was cooler to the touch, skin smooth...somehow soft yet oddly firm.
The small flickering of a fire appeared a few feet in front of her, small in stature, sprung up in the midst of the cool light. Hood concealing her own looks, she kept her head lowered, eyes watching the display from her perch against the trunk. Flame growing before her eyes, the vibrant red hair of her sister was illuminated, along with her warm skin, her golden eyes. A small smile pulling at her own lips, Chrystal made her way toward her, watching in her usual awe, of the control she had over her flame. Dancing on the tip of her finger, the flame jumped, swaying in the breeze, but didn't flicker out. Not once did the heavy winds coming off the sea snuff out its life.
With a small grin, she pursed her lips, blowing softly at her finger, icy crystals dancing in the air as they wrapped around her sister's finger, choking the life out of the flame until it finally subsided. A light, melodic laugh was loosed, her hood dropping back as a mirth flashed behind her eyes. "It's good to see you, Annelise," came her warm greeting, arms enveloping Annelise in a hug. Arms embracing her, Chrystal felt the usual goosebumps taking hold of her skin, a shiver wracking through her body at the proximity of their bodies. Something about fire and ice together always held such a reaction, from both parties, evoking knowing smiles betwixt the two. Pulling back, her eyes scanned around them, trying to see through the fog. "Where are the rest?"
A small shrug and half-grin later, and Annelise was staring her down, eyes lit from within in a sort of dangerous mischief. "They're here. They're always here." This brought a slight perplexed frown to Chrystal's face, wondering how she could have missed them, but she didn't voice it. "There's been a slight snag..."
Brow furrowing, her eyes turned suspicious. "What do you mean, a snag?" Her tone, turning just as icy as her gaze had, her body went rigid, preparing for the worst.
"Oh relax," Annelise retorted, brushing off her reaction with a flippant wave of her hand. "It's nothing like that. Just some minor details have been shifted is all." Chrys could feel her body relaxing a bit as she heard the words, but something lingered in the back of her mind, urging her to stay alert. "Something simple really. The coven would prefer to stay anonymous...That is, until you've completed your task."
"Task?" she repeated, not understanding. "I've done all they've asked. I've proven my power, proven what I'm capable of. I've passed every test you've ever given me...What else haven't I done?"
"Such a tone...doesn't bode well with us." Something about Annelise was changing, becoming more official, fuller sounding...As if she weren't the only one talking. But just like that, it was gone, and she was back, back to her usual alto, tone light. "That being said, we understand your confusion and welcome it. It's not that you've not done enough, but this final task solidifies your place among us. It's essential to your survival within our coven. Without it, you can never be."
One final task... Chrystal thought to herself fervently. Just one...and I'll have a family....I'll do anything...
"It's simple enough," she continued, eyeing her, gauging her reactions to each piece she said. "You must first find a man, pure in heart and in mind, willing to do anything. You'll know him when you see him, one of the rare few that still survive within this world of carnal urges. Seduce him."
Pausing for almost dramatic effect, Annelise's eyes left Chrystal for the first time since the exchange began, turning to lock with each unseen member. Chrystal's gaze shifted as well, trying to sift through the fog, to see who she was at the mercy of, to see those that did this task before her. To see if it were worth it.
"Once you seduce him, thoroughly besotted, you must return him here. As the sacrifice, he will remain here for three days, being primped and preened for the final event. As the moon is in its apex, you must stop his heart, feel the dark side's pull in this act, and return from it unscathed. Take his life force into yourself, feel it fill you, feel it drain him. The rest is arbitrary."
Feeling the gaze of a few others boring into her, she tried to process the news as calmly as she could. Sacrifices she'd done, though never of the human variety. A bird here, a frog there...It'd always seemed essential to gain connection for the more draining rituals they'd asked of her. But this? She wasn't sure if she could handle it. To take someone so innocent, so pure, and use them for this? Her heart beat rapidly in her chest, eyes flicking to the ground as her hands played nervously, clasping and unclasping, under her cloak. So loud was her heartbeat, she almost missed the pointed throat-clearing directed at her.
"Do you understand the task set to you?"
Eyes raising to lock with Annelise's, she nodded, lips set in a thin line, all humor her face had once held, fallen away a mere memory.
"Are you able to complete this task? Able to become a member of our coven?"
The pause was a weighted one, one that seemed to drag on as her mind tossed around her options. Inner war was waging, her heart torn, her mind conflicted, until one thought rang through amidst the chaos, so clear and true. I can't say no, not after all that I've done to get here, to this moment...I can do this. I can do anything for my family... Slow to nod this time around, the motion was just as drawn out as her thoughts had been, the weight of the world sitting on her shoulders.
"You've six months to find him, seduce him, bring him here and complete the ritual," came Annelise's rather matter-of-fact tone of voice. "I'll be keeping tabs on your progress. Don't disappoint us."
And just like that, she was gone.
In the blink of an eye, Annelise had disappeared. The fog had vanished. She was alone with nothing but the beating of her heart and the light of the moon to keep her company as she tried to strengthen her resolve.
I can do this...This is what I want...
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Such a lovely piece of work.
Your style is unique, not something seen every day, and honestly I don't think that's a bad thing at all. Personally, I enjoy it. Besides, would you want your style to be exactly like everyone else's? I know I wouldn't.
But, aside from that, there is pacing in this piece which is a plus, I love the imagery used, too, as it makes me personally feel like I'm right next to Crystal. It also leaves a reader wanting to know more about the coven, why she's doing this, why she felt she has done enough. Will she do it? Is she really ready?
I can't wait to read more.
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Wow. That's...well, that's your style, I guess. I'll touch on that in a moment, but first a few minor things.
Who are all the "her"s in this sentence? For a moment I thought you meant Chrystal, but then I realized that her element's ice. Added to the fact that (it appears) Chrystal snuffs out this fire, and I'm left a little confused.
And that's only the real major technical thing I found.
Okay, as for your style...You have these long, meandering sentences that are technically correct. They establish a sort of foggy, wispy mood to the setting, and I feel like you did that well. However, I kept feeling like there was a story hidden somewhere in the murk, and it kept slipping through my fingertips. Example:
Three sentences in, I'm already reeling, trying to adjust to this style, and here...it's like a curve ball. Sort of.
Mechanically, what I'm struggling with is all the -ings you keep throwing out there. It's like you're leading up to a subject, then switch it out at the last second and put a new subject somewhere else. It's not quite a bait-and-switch, it's definitely understandable, but it's like you're passively trying to yank the rug out from underneath the reader.
Now, with that said, this is your style (at least in this piece). It's not bad; it just takes some getting used to. It wasn't so elusive as to be unintelligible, but some readers might get frustrated and quit. Good readers (and dedicated fans) will put up with it. Some might even love it. I'm not sure where I fall, but I do know that this was well-crafted. Good job.
Hope this helps!
Dragon,
Thank you so much for the review! I know that my style isn't for everyone so I'm happy that you managed to make it through to the end despite being unsure of where you fall on the scale of like for such.
Though most of what you pointed out were stylistic choices, I'll be certain to keep them in mind for future installments of this piece. Said style changes from story to story so, perhaps in the future, you'll find something more to your liking from me?
Thank you, once again.
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
So you start out with this line. It's a bit bland for what you have in store for the reader, but not dull. Then you move on to;
Very cryptically poetic! I do have one pet peeve, though, that I tend to see a lot, which is the consistent usage of the same term. "The light did this. Then the light did this. Then the light did this." At this point, after having used "iridescent," "glow," and "light," all in the first two sentences, I had a good grasp of what was going on, but you continue to hash it out by explaining virtually the same thing, just in different words with a slight change of subject. This isn't a really big or bad thing, but, repetition like this bores me.
Here, I was a bit disappointed. You do such a good job of describing things in a beautiful way, and then you come to this part, and just use the word, rather than a description. I know that it would be a poetic way to die, because I read the part before that explained that. Now, I'm being told the obvious? It just seems, a bit out of place.
Once again with the repetition. You spent a long paragraph explaining about the fog and the shadows and being able to hide in them. Then you introduce a character, and state that they were hidden in the fog, like we don't know already.
I like that you, the narrator, have begun to use a sort of nickname for this character, Chrystal, and didn't feel the need to take another paragraph to explain how she got it. It's obvious anyways. But this sort of thing is one of those little details that takes writing to the next level.
This whole idea of joining the coven through this vicious ritual is definitely dark, though you've done a good job so far of keeping it from becoming demonic or satanic, which is never good.
One thing to say about it, though. Being that it's the end of the chapter, and that Chrys seems like a fairly "good" girl, I would like to see you throw in just a tidbit there at the end where she might doubt herself, and the task at hand. I mean, you have a little bit right before, but it didn't feel strong enough, like she was actually doubting. But that may just be me.
Overall, I was quite thrilled.
Thank you Asteria!
JC,
Thank you so much for the review! You're definitely right in that I can get very wordy...I've noticed this over the years, and have yet to alter my style too terribly. I also know, however, that it's merely when establishing a setting or a scene that it's worst, and it tapers out as the piece goes on. The descriptions of light, the scenery will fade out and it'll be solely focused on the character development, only describing things as they're needed.
So, I'll certainly take what you've said and try to keep it in mind when continuing on. I'm certainly glad that you're thrilled and hope that things only go up from here!
I really love the way you paint the scene and set the mood. You place the reader dead center in the middle of this situation in such a way that they don't feel out of place or lost. There is an instant connection with the reader and the character, while not strong it is enough to leave the reader wanting to know more. More about the character, her coven and if she really can be as cold as she needs to be and fulfill this murderous task. I look forward to more of this story and other works from you.
Thank you so much for the kind review! I'm glad that you liked it and hope to live up to your expectations with the next installments.