Hello hello! SkyVibes here to read and review!
I'll be reviewing as I go so you can see in the mind of a reader actively reading!
Let's start!
So I'm guessing that the character here is either old enough to be in high school, old enough to be in college, or is old enough to drive and go to one or the other....for my picky need of clarity I wonder which one it is....
June Webster. That's a nice name. I love how she is also a book worm. Fits perfectly with her last name being Webster, like the dictionary!
Ah so when the first spoken sentence is speaking at first I thought it was this Brydon character saying it and the girls saying hi in response, but reading further it looks like he just calmly walked over and said hi and they then said hi in response. Maybe adding something to say who said what would be helpful?
I love the process of Odette's (lovely name btw) thoughts as this event is taking place. I can already feel the tiredness radiating off the screen of my computer and hitting. Very relatable as I am currently in college and just finished 2 tests!
I find it amusing that she didn't catch on at first thinking this guy needed a tutor.
So after the "what?!" moment, I imagine it's June who confirms Odette will go out with him. However, while I'm seeing Odette's confusion and shock, I'm not seeing if Brydon is completely calm, nervous, red with embarrassment, staring intently...there's no description of how he's reacting to asking her out. I think to add more flavor to this, add in a detail or two like that would really help!
Uh so I thought June and Odette were already IN the library. But maybe I missed a detail. Usually, I'm prone to missing something.
I really like the friendship June and Odette has. They seem to be the perfect friends! June is so sweet. It seems like Odette is more of a quiet person unless she's talking about something she's interested in like reading or art. June helps her get out of her shell a bit and isn't afraid to make sure her friend has fun.
And also I feel more connected to have the reader-character relationship that happens with reading and the character I feel connected too is Oddette. She seems to focus a lot on school and her art which is the same for me! Very neat!
Aw...that's so mean of Brydon. Poor Odotte. And all she wanted was to maybe see a guy and have a simple dinner.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh I love a mystery guy who wants to help out. I would be like Odette too about to punch the guy but how sweet of him!
I love this story so much! There's so much emotion. First curious, excitement, sadness, and then excitement again! This is well written and you should definitely write more to this! I would love to read more!
A few critiques tho and take these as you will.
1. I would love to see more character descriptions. While I feel connected and indulged in the story, I can't picture the characters except for somewhat of Oliver. adding more description would add so much more to this story!
2. I would love to see some action from the characters. For example with Oliver, He leans close to kiss her. That's an action. I would love to see more of that. Not maybe toward romance action but just more character action such as, she glanced at June and fidgeted with her sweater. Nervously she tapped her foot while she waited. She pulled away from June's grasp. Something like that.
3. Clarity on who is speaking. I mentioned a little that I got lost on who was speaking so just clearing that up would be really useful. Also maybe including a tone to the attitude of the situation. For example, I see Odette confusion shared with June when Bryson asked her out. However maybe a "she exclaimed excitedly", "he confirmed happily", "muttered under his breath" or something like that.
I really enjoyed reading this! It was a fun read!
Soar high and keep on writing!
-SkyVibes
Points: 2027
Reviews: 40
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