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Wise Innocence

by AspiringAuthorA..M.


Wise Innocence

Orange and red leaves swirled around Paul, the dove. Ruffling his feathers, he laughed as a leaf brushed his stomach. Fire danced around him. Fall had been here for a few days, and already the trees were shedding their leaves. In a few weeks, if he stayed north, Paul knew he'd see the featherless humans walk around with their little ones in scary costumes.

His wings slowed their beats as Paul grew tired. Craning his neck down, he locked his eagle vision on a low tree branch in a park. Tucking his wings in, Paul dove toward it, unfolding his wings like a parachute as he neared his target. He flapped up as his talons sunk into the branch. He chirped cheerfully as the music of laughing children enveloped him.

He lowered his head as a girl approached his tree. Cocking his head to the side, he cooed down at her.

“Mommy! Mommy! Look, a pretty bird!” the girl said, clapping her hands together.

Paul stared as the girl's mother jogged over, tugging a Husky along. The Husky looked up at Paul and barred it's teeth, but quickly wiggled its tongue out instead.

Silly creatures, Paul thought.

“It's beautiful, Hannah, isn't it?” the mother said, putting an arm over the girl's shoulder.

Hannah clasped her mothers hand and said, “Yes, Mommy. Very pretty.”

“But, Mommy,” the girl asked, letting go of her mom's hand.

“Yes, dear?” she said.

“Why isn't it flying away like the other birds?”

The mother rubbed her lips together before responding. “Perhaps it likes it here. We can't know the reasons for everything.”

“But winter is coming. Birdy will freeze.”

“That is not for us to know, dear. Now come along. It's getting late,” the mom said, leading the girl and Husky away from the tree.

Paul chirped and the girl turned around and waved.

“Bye, Birdy,” she called to him.

Paul raised a wing and waved back. He cooed as the girl giggled. Childhood innocence, he thought. How precious a gift. Just because growing up meant putting aside childish things, it didn't mean that they had to get rid of a child's innocence. In the eyes of the creator, they would always be his children, and he wanted them to be as innocent as doves.

Tucking his head into his feathery chest, Paul crouched down on the branch, shut his eyes and succumbed to the peaceful darkness of slumber.

*******************************

Slithering along the pond, Gabriel the serpent, hissed a song. Many animals feared him, but he knew it was in their nature. He was a predator, after all. But it was the children of the creator that he was saddened to see afraid of him. He still didn't question Him, though. If any other animal had had one of its ancestors possessed by the Liar to tempt the first humans they probably wouldn't have been as accepting of their mistaken reputation. Seeing a flock of ducks launch themselves from the pond's surface, Gabriel stopped singing. He lifted his head off the dew dampened grass and straightened his body out, marveling at the migrating birds.

The gray sky was blooming with color as the creatures soared south. Gabriel had always wanted to travel the earth, but knew that he would cover little ground on his belly. It sometimes saddened him to know that because of the Liar, the legs of his ancestors had been taken off by the creator. But still, he did not question Him.

Sometimes, being so close to the ground was safer than being in the skies where the toxic clouds of humans floated, and where hawks hunted. And while the creator had taken away his gift of limbs, he had given him the incredible virtue of being able to sense the emotions of the earth. Every vibration that trembled beneath him had a voice of its own. Rather a playful child, a frightened woman, or a family taking a walk in the park, and everything else that walked beneath the creator's infinite gaze.

A black parking lot lay in front of him, like an endless abyss. Flicking his tongue out, Gabriel took a deep breath and slithered forward. He hissed in joy as a playful boy towed a kite behind him, laughing. Such joy it gave him, seeing children at play. They grew up so fast now. He knew so, because he'd been around longer since even their grandparents.

The boy stopped as his kite spiraled to the ground, like a shooting star. He jumped in agitation as it hit the road a few feet beside him. Gabriel was so close to the boy that he could faintly feel the beating of the boy's heart, and could sense his frustration.

Where are the parents? He thought.

Violent vibrations shook the ground beneath him and a car growled. Glancing to his right, he saw a black SUV shoot down the parking lot, growling toward him and the boy. Hissing, Gabriel slithered like a jet of water, toward the boy, knowing he'd be scared and run out of Death's path.

“Snake!” the boy squealed, running into the safety of some parked cars.

Gabriel paused in the road, beside the fallen kite, and welcomed his end. He had made the ultimate sacrifice for one of the creator's children and welcomed it. Unlike them, though, he had no soul and the end truly was a shattered clock. The conclusion of time.

He could try slithering out of the way, but from the way the driver was swerving madly, Gabriel knew his chances of dodging it were non-existent. The black beast's wheel was only a few feet away, but before it plunged him into darkness, a white bird snatched him up and darted out of death's way.

Gabriel opened his mouth and hissed in awe. The earth beneath him stared back with its many textures. Never in his long existence had he ever thought he'd see the world as the birds of the sky did. The bird's chirping rang through his body. The creator's natural singers were true marvels. Twisting his elongated neck, Gabriel saw that it was a dove that had pulled him from death.

Hours passed, but it could have been more, because in that time, crystallized water, snow capped trees, and generations of migrating deer hopped over the creator's earth, painting it with life. His tongue hung sideways as the cold wind blew against it, but he didn't mind. He gazed down at the wondrous view through unblinking eyes. .

*******************************

For the following days, the innocent dove and the wise serpent soared in the heavens of earth and witnessed the creator's landscape. With the dove's innocence they would talk their way out of battles. But with the serpent's wise intellect, they didn't have to. Their journey was one of true peace.


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Points: 890
Reviews: 3

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Sun Nov 14, 2010 2:31 am
AuroraOrodel wrote a review...



Overall, I like this. It has the feel of a fable, what with the animals and the clear morality. I think the second half that focuses on Gabriel is stronger than the first, though. I get a much clearer sense of how animals view the world when you write from Gabriel's perspective, especially moments like this:

And while the creator had taken away his gift of limbs, he had given him the incredible virtue of being able to sense the emotions of the earth. Every vibration that trembled beneath him had a voice of its own. Rather a playful child, a frightened woman, or a family taking a walk in the park, and everything else that walked beneath the creator's infinite gaze.


I'm not sure why "rather" is used here. Rather is used for comparison, "this, rather than that". I'm assuming the playful child, frightened woman etc. are the things he is feeling through the vibrations, in which case, "rather" isn't needed. Still, there's a lot of good imagery in this section. Gabriel is very interesting to me, and I enjoy his perspective.


Paul's section just doesn't give me the same clear sense of his character. You label him as "innocent", but he doesn't seem very innocent to me. In fact, he seems rather worldly:

Paul stared as the girl's mother jogged over, tugging a Husky along. The Husky looked up at Paul and barred it's teeth, but quickly wiggled its tongue out instead.

Silly creatures, Paul thought.


Would an innocent dove pass such judgment on a fellow creature? I also had some confusion here:

Craning his neck down, he locked his eagle vision on a low tree branch in a park. Tucking his wings in, Paul dove toward it, unfolding his wings like a parachute as he neared his target. He flapped up as his talons sunk into the branch.


I get the feeling that you want Paul to be a very peaceful creature, and yet terms like "eagle vision" and "talons" have a very warlike connotation because of their associations with eagles, which have strong martial symbolism.

I'd really like to know more about Paul. How old is he? Is this his first migration? Why is he so interested in humans? Why does he think dogs are silly? How does he feel about his own religious symbolism? Gabriel seems to be at peace with the image he's inherited, even using it to do good; how does Paul feel about being a symbol of all things Holy? Most important, why does Paul save Gabriel?

I feel like there's a good message in this story, but you haven't quite hit on it yet. It's there, but it isn't fully showing itself. Answering these questions and really digging into details will help bring it out.




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Sat Nov 13, 2010 8:55 pm
Winchester wrote a review...



AspiringAuthorA..M. wrote:Wise Innocence

Orange and red leaves swirled around Paul, the dove. Ruffling his feathers, he laughed as a leaf brushed his stomach. Fire danced around him. Fall had been here for a few days, and already the trees were shedding their leaves. In a few weeks, if he stayed north, Paul knew he'd see the featherless humans walk around with their little ones in scary costumes.

His wings slowed their beats as Paul grew tired. Craning his neck down, he locked his eagle vision on a low tree branch in a park. Tucking his wings in, Paul dove toward it, unfolding his wings like a parachute as he neared his target. He flapped up as his talons sunk into the branch. He chirped cheerfully as the music of laughing children enveloped him.

He lowered his head as a girl approached his tree. Cocking his head to the side, he cooed down at her.

“Mommy! Mommy! Look, a pretty bird!” the girl said, clapping her hands together.

Paul stared as the girl's mother jogged over, tugging a Husky along. The Husky looked up at Paul and barred it's teeth, but quickly wiggled its tongue out instead.

Silly creatures, Paul thought.

“It's beautiful, Hannah, isn't it?” the mother said, putting an arm over the girl's shoulder.

Hannah clasped her mothers hand and said, “Yes, Mommy. Very pretty.”

“But, Mommy,” the girl asked, letting go of her mom's hand.

“Yes, dear?” she said.

“Why isn't it flying away like the other birds?”

The mother rubbed her lips together before responding. “Perhaps it likes it here. We can't know the reasons for everything.”

“But winter is coming. Birdy will freeze.”

“That is not for us to know, dear. Now come along. It's getting late,” the mom said, leading the girl and Husky away from the tree.

Paul chirped and the girl turned around and waved.

“Bye, Birdy,” she called to him.

Paul raised a wing and waved back. He cooed as the girl giggled. Childhood innocence, he thought. How precious a gift. Just because growing up meant putting aside childish things, it didn't mean that they had to get rid of a child's innocence. In the eyes of the creator, they would always be his children, and he wanted them to be as innocent as doves.

Tucking his head into his feathery chest, Paul crouched down on the branch, shut his eyes and succumbed to the peaceful darkness of slumber.
*******************************

Slithering along the pond, Gabriel the serpent, hissed a song. Many animals feared him, but he knew it was in their nature. He was a predator, after all. But it was the children of the creator that he was saddened to see afraid of him. He still didn't question Him, though. If any other animal had had one of its ancestors possessed by the Liar to tempt the first humans they probably wouldn't have been as accepting of their mistaken reputation. Seeing a flock of ducks launch themselves from the pond's surface, Gabriel stopped singing. He lifted his head off the dew dampened grass and straightened his body out, marveling at the migrating birds.

The gray sky was blooming with color as the creatures soared south. Gabriel had always wanted to travel the earth, but knew that he would cover little ground on his belly. It sometimes saddened him to know that because of the Liar, the legs of his ancestors had been taken off by the creator. But still, he did not question Him.

Sometimes, being so close to the ground was safer than being in the skies where the toxic clouds of humans floated, and where hawks hunted. And while the creator had taken away his gift of limbs, he had given him the incredible virtue of being able to sense the emotions of the earth. Every vibration that trembled beneath him had a voice of its own. Rather a playful child, a frightened woman, or a family taking a walk in the park, and everything else that walked beneath the creator's infinite gaze.

A black parking lot lay in front of him, like an endless abyss. Flicking his tongue out, Gabriel took a deep breath and slithered forward. He hissed in joy as a playful boy towed a kite behind him, laughing. Such joy it gave him, seeing children at play. They grew up so fast now. He knew so, because he'd been around longer since even their grandparents.

The boy stopped as his kite spiraled to the ground, like a shooting star. He jumped in agitation as it hit the road a few feet beside him. Gabriel was so close to the boy that he could faintly feel the beating of the boy's heart, and could sense his frustration.

Where are the parents? He thought.

Violent vibrations shook the ground beneath him and a car growled. Glancing to his right, he saw a black SUV shoot down the parking lot, growling toward him and the boy. Hissing, Gabriel slithered like a jet of water, toward the boy, knowing he'd be scared and run out of Death's path.

“Snake!” the boy squealed, running into the safety of some parked cars.

Gabriel paused in the road, beside the fallen kite, and welcomed his end. He had made the ultimate sacrifice for one of the creator's children and welcomed it. Unlike them, though, he had no soul and the end truly was a shattered clock. The conclusion of time.

He could try slithering out of the way, but from the way the driver was swerving madly, Gabriel knew his chances of dodging it were non-existent. The black beast's wheel was only a few feet away, but before it plunged him into darkness, a white bird snatched him up and darted out of death's way.

Gabriel opened his mouth and hissed in awe. The earth beneath him stared back with its many textures. Never in his long existence had he ever thought he'd see the world as the birds of the sky did. The bird's chirping rang through his body. The creator's natural singers were true marvels. Twisting his elongated neck, Gabriel saw that it was a dove that had pulled him from death.

Hours passed, but it could have been more, because in that time, crystallized water, snow capped trees, and generations of migrating deer hopped over the creator's earth, painting it with life. His tongue hung sideways as the cold wind blew against it, but he didn't mind. He gazed down at the wondrous view through unblinking eyes. .
*******************************

For the following days, the innocent dove and the wise serpent soared in the heavens of earth and witnessed the creator's landscape. With the dove's innocence they would talk their way out of battles. But with the serpent's wise intellect, they didn't have to. Their journey was one of true peace.





I like this xD

In the view of a bird is somthign i've never seen beffore and it is very well writen.

Keep writing!!





"Be yourself" is not advice. It's an existential crisis waiting to happen.
— Hank Green