Your very presence is toxic and deadly.
Right then and there I knew.
As I saw you in the hallways of my school,
you made it very clear for me why I had chosen you.
Your appealing scent-so sweet and tender-
made me hesitate on the right words to say.
Oh, the temptation it was to surrender.
You would have never gotten to see another light of day.
I stood, motionless, as you passed.
Intoxicated by your beauty,
I refused to let my curiosity
ruin absolutely everything.
But, I noticed your demonic era.
Ghostly. Almost as if you was born directly from sin.
I was a fallen angel just waiting to be saved
from this terrible rush of adrenaline.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
Hello, Asmith!
I can really feel the honesty and openness in this poem. It's a love poem, but also a surrender.
The thing that's holding this poem back is wordiness and grammatical errors. I'm not sure how many English classes you've taken, so I'll explain what I mean when I say wordiness. Wordiness is when you have a bunch of words that don't really need to be there, and they make everything cluttered. Like when you've got a bunch of paper at the bottom of your locker and you can't find the homework that's due today. Or when a tree grows so many little branches that you can't really see the main trunk. So we'll have to prune it.
I'll help you prune the wordiness out of your poem!
I like the toxic part. It's nice. But let's look at what you're saying in this line, and what words are needed and not needed.
Very is not needed because it's just an amplifier. And really, "and deadly" isn't needed, either because if something is toxic, it's deadly. So if we take what we have now, we have what the line is really saying:
So if you apply the technique to the rest of the poem, you'll get an equally nice and straightforward, but still beautiful, poem.
You also have some grammatical errors:
You can't really hesitate on something. This idea is rather difficult to word. Perhaps you could say "made my mouth hesitate". It gets the same point across, but with fewer words.
This isn't really an error so much as awkwardly worded. Try this: "Oh, how I was tempted to surrender." It gets the same sense of drama across.
1) you don't need a comma after but. 2) I think you mean aura, not era. An era is a period of time, and an aura is something that surrounds something, like a glow.
Grammatically speaking, was should be were. However, somehow, the grammatical error here makes the enchantment feel more raw and honest, so really I would keep it in if I was in your position.
Altogether, I quite enjoyed reading this. I hope you continue to post your works here on YWS. I look forward to them! Happy writing!
Hey what's up, Zee here, Welcome to the site.
I liked this a lot. I really could relate to this. You are very good with words up you should do some editing and really get your themes a ideas straight. I agree with the first reviewer, it was a bit scattered. But I can see what you were trying to do so it wasn't bad. I still enjoyed reading this a lot.
I feel when you get your ideas straight this will be really good. And as the first reviewer said maybe down play it in the description make the first sentence really pop. Keep writing an I think you will really enjoy this site a lot. Good luck with everything.
Hi, I'm TheBlackSheep.
This is your first posted piece right? Not because it's bad, because you joined yesterday. I like it. I understand what you were trying to do with it and in a couple places your talent really shone through. I liked your last three lines:
"Ghostly. Almost as if you was born directly from sin.
I was a fallen angel just waiting to be saved
from this terrible rush of adrenaline."
Because they showed me the kind of atmosphere and rhythm that you were going for in this poem. I do partially agree with the bottom reviewer, I do think that you need to read through this and pick up on a couple of things.
"Ghostly. Almost as if you was born directly from sin." This should be were not was.
"You would have never gotten to see another light of day." This line here kind of disrupts the flow of the words that you were beginning to establish. I might suggest seeing if there are any words you can take out, a way you could rewrite it maybe.
There are few other places that kind of snag when a reader is reading it. That doesn't make the poem bad, in fact I think you're probably very good, it just means your editing process might be a little lacking. For a first piece though, I have to say it was pretty good.
Oh and um, don't worry about your first lines in correlation with your description, in real life no one is going to give a damn about that because your poem won't have a description.
Happy writing.
First of all, your very first two lines made lesser impact on me than your description and the title. I went on expecting that it is going to get good but you have clustered ideas in one place randomly as per i saw it. You know the haste to finish is so visible it spoils the fun on reading.
So, all I'll suggest to do inspite of pointing them all out for you is that read it again, take your time, give it some devotion and after you finish, read once more and then post it. I hope you try better and if you do that I guarantee you'll have a way more beautiful poem than this. Try again and keep writing. All the best. I'll wait to read next from you and I hope I didn't come across as harsh.