z

Young Writers Society


18+

In the Memory of My Grandmother

by AsmaTahir3, AsmaTahir3


Warning: This work has been rated 18+.

Today is Mother's Day and the death anniversary of my Grandmother. Time has passed so quickly...its been 8 years since your death... 

I still remember how I called you before my every exams or any exciting day and asked for your prayers knowingly that u prayed all the time. Time was so beautiful, whenever i came back from school or college and found you at my home, I jumped with happiness and u smiled and smiled.... I know I often teased you too as I used to hide your spectacles after hearing your plan of leaving, i was so stubborn. I was not child then but yet I loved to sleep with you and heard stories from you. I always waited for you every Sunday as you promised to arrive then, but sometimes you didn't then i called you and got angry and you always moved my heart with your sweet Punjabi language tone.

Time really stopped not just after hearing the news of your death but even before hearing it. I was feeling something very hard in my heart when I was on my way to college. I was continuously watching my wrist watch as time was stuck somewhere and i was trying to move it ahead. I was looking from sky to earth in a restless way, may be that was the time when u were breathing last....... That was the day when I got my first scholarship and was about to celebrate it with my friends in college, we were all sitting around canteens table, gossiping and relishing that I received a news of your death, I told no one and rushed back.......

Not to talk about my sorrow, I see in the eyes of my father and feel your absence there. I want to celebrate Mother's Day as everyone is doing so around me but i cant as my father has lost his mother on the same day...

So many changes came in this life till then. I have lost so many things and gotten so many in return. You always desired to see me successful and your every child. I wish you are alive today and would realize how rapidly your prayers came true.


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95 Reviews


Points: 31
Reviews: 95

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Sun Aug 19, 2018 5:51 pm
BeTheChange wrote a review...



Overall, good work! :) As the two previous reviewers have already pointed out, there are a lot of spelling and grammar errors. Along with some awkward phrasing. However, the piece was still understandable and very meaningful. I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m glad you have such wonderful memories with your grandmother. Good luck with whatever you decide to write next!




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45 Reviews


Points: 24
Reviews: 45

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Sun May 29, 2016 2:17 pm
Costa wrote a review...



You DO have something special here, recounting your memories and paying homage to your grandmother. It's easy to see that English is not your first language but, despite that, your feelings come across crystal clear.

That's the most important thing in a piece like this, so well done.

That said, yes, there are quite a few technical errors to be found but they're easily fixed.

Echoing what GreatKing said below, keep an eye out to make sure you're writing "I" and "you" as that's the proper form. Next, you don't need to use all those ellipses; just separate the phrases with your standard period. Ellipses are usually used to show someone speaking wearily or trailing off their train of though, which obviously isn't happening here.

Another thing to be noted, when talking small, lone numbers, you should always try to actually spell them out. As in, not "8 years" but "eight years".

Another thing pointed out by GreatKing is how you, at times, confuse your tenses.

I was not child then but yet I loved to sleep with you and heard stories from you.


Here, for instance. It's supposed to be actually be "hear stories from you" as the context sets "loved to" as the action in the past tense - sleep and hear stories are atemporal, in this case. Also, take note that "but, yet" is redundant as both are conjunctions. What you're looking for is "and, yet".

Finally, there are quite a few places where you needed to have used a comma but didn't.
Using the example above, we could go like this:

"I was not a child then and>, yet,< I loved to sleep with and hear your stories."


Regardless, it's still a touching piece that could use just some slight smoothing around the edges.

Well done!




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485 Reviews


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Reviews: 485

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Sat May 21, 2016 11:37 am
Elijah wrote a review...



King Here
I had the feeling that you are new when I saw the way you write and please do not take this negatively, it is understandable. As a first work, I think this one is stunning and very emotional because it is realistic and connected with your deep and memorable past. I had always loved realistic poetries or short stories which lets the reader understand about the writer also.
I do not think of pointing out every each mistake because I feel like you can find them by your own self if I help you a bit by giving you a push by the shoulder.
You use 'i' and 'u' which is used in text talk and it is not very acceptable here because we look at the story seriously and try to review it in the best way possible. I think it is good to think of that when you write your following second work next time.
If you need help, you can always ask me if I am able to help.

...its been 8 years since your death...

It needs to be: it's been 8 years since your death...
Here and there mistakes can be noticed. In some places you write perfectly with no mistakes, on others you just mess it up without checking it. This shows that you know how to write and you just need to double check your work. Only shows that you are not bad at all. The thing that kind of bothers me is that you do not put only one fullstop but several to end the sentences. It is not needed.
That was the day when I got my first scholarship and was about to celebrate it with my friends in college, we were all sitting around ...


I think the sentence just starts to become so long and it needs to stop halfway.
Maybe end the sentence before 'we were all sitting..' and start a new one after it.
That was the day when I got my first schoolarship and was about to celebrate it with my friends in college. We were sitting around..
It is your own decision still. Also, corrected 'schoolarship'.


I wish you are alive today and would realize how rapidly your prayers came true.


I wish you are alive today and would realize how rapidly your prayers came true.
You use two tenses and it messes the whole sentence up. I think the second one is better because we are talking about a dead person.
Both of the colored words need to be in past tense. So 'are' needs to be 'were'.


For a first work very good job and I hope to see more of you.
Keep on writing.



Random avatar
AsmaTahir3 says...


Thanks for your detailed comment. I have gone through the mentioned mistakes. I will try to write better next time. :)
Stay Blessed.



Elijah says...


You are welcome.




No one is perfect; not even your reflection.
— Chalkboard Words