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To Fly Without Wings (You Jump Off a Cliff) - Chapter 1 (2/3)- Hiraeth

by Ashnirai


There are no words to compare how utterly liberating it is to be rid of the constricting glamour. To force the life-weave to project a different form, to twist the body into a different shape, it isn’t natural. It’s constricting and tight and wrong, but it’s necessary for survival, so Heron endures it when he needs to.

Now though? Now he’s free, both of the glamour and the need to conceal his seiðr. He just needs to get out of here. Alive.

A breath, a pause, a moment in time suspended by the golden energy singing in his veins and pooling in his hands; the calm before the storm. Then, a sigh. The moment breaks as a wave against the shore, noise and commotion and havoc making themselves known once more before power swells and surges as a tsunami crashes against the rocks with shattering force. People are suddenly pushed away, stumbling backwards and into each other, tumbling together in a colossal tangle of limbs and fabrics and goods. The Enforcers shout for order, merchants scramble for their spilt wares, and aristocrats are horrified at their situation.

No one has time to pay heed to the small shadow slipping away into the side street.

Heron lets out an imperceptible sigh of relief once the sounds of the pandemonium is long out of earshot. Safe. Granted, the Holy Enforcers will no doubt start searching for him as soon as they sort out the commotion, but he’ll be long gone by then, back down into the relative anonymity of Nether-Sresta. That gambit was far more risky than he had planned.

“The epitome of inconspicuousness, hm?” A startled intake of breath, then Heron slowly turns around to greet the owner of that quiet voice. She’s balanced on a ledge above him, crouched and wrapped in the shadows of twilight, having arrived as soundlessly as night falls. Despite the darkness, he can still see the amused tilt to her lips.

“Hawk,” he says in acknowledgment. There’s a beat, a moment of unmitigated relief that she’s safe and not harmed, before the moment passes with the stray wind and the song of their lives continues. Heron scales the wall with deft hands, slipping up to rest beside her. “You heard about the incident?”

She scoffs, dark eyes flashing with humour. “Everyone’s heard. They’re crying for blood because-“ Hawk changes pitch, continuing in a mocking tone. “-an Abomination used magic on normal, upstanding citizens.” A soft, derisive snort. “Nice going Heron.”

He winces. “The Holy Enforcers? They’re that angry?”

Hawk tosses him a derisive look. “What do you think?” she snarks, sarcasm dripping from her tone. “That they’d twiddle their thumbs and do nothing? Che.”

It’s a stupid question, he knows. Of course the Enforcers are going to be angry. He pretty much flaunted his unnatural magic in the very heart of their base; it would be a wonder if they didn’t cry for blood. But he hadn’t thought about the consequences of his actions in regards to other people beyond just himself, and there’s a cold feeling in his chest as he realises that the Holy Enforcers are most likely going to scour Sresta for and slaughter anyone with even a hint of magic. He and Hawk aren’t the only ones with abilities.

Hawk heaves an exaggerated sigh to his right and punches him in the shoulder. It hurt. “Oi,” she says, ignoring his indignant cry. “What’s done is done. Stop snivelling and get over it.”

Heron scowls but stands up nonetheless, rolling his shoulders as he does so. “Yeah yeah,” he says, and as dismissive as it sounds, he knows Hawk can hear the undertone of gratitude. Despite her gruff tone, she never fails to lift his spirits.

An absent twist of his hand, fingers automatically slipping between dimensions to seek out the ever-present threads of existence, and the gossamer strands curl into his life-weave to grant him the same silent footsteps as his companion. It’s second nature by now; as easy as breathing. Green eyes seek out Hawk’s face. “Let’s go home.”

They ghost through the streets with the swiftness of wind dodging their steps but still staying inconspicuous. Earlier incident aside, Heron does know how to stay unobtrusive. It’s a necessity for survival, a fundamental lesson of a street child, and to have lived past ten years requires a mastery of the skill.

Heron stops abruptly, halting in mid-stride. “Do you hear that?” he hisses, pulling Hawk to a stop.

She looks at him in askance, as if mentally evaluating his sanity. “There is nothing to hear,” she replies slowly.

He shakes his head, green eyes clouding with worry. “No, I-“ He breaks off again, titling his head to amplify his hearing. A pause, and worry is joined by fear. “They- They’re talking about seiðr.”


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359 Reviews


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Sun Sep 20, 2015 8:59 pm
steampowered wrote a review...



Hello, steampowered here for a review and to help rescue your work from the Green Room! I did take a look at the first part of this chapter before sitting down to review this one, so I have some idea of the world in which this is set, and what has gone before.

First of all, I thought this was really well-written, and I feel like this concept is really fresh and interesting. I mean, there are still a few things I don’t know, like various things about the seiðr, but I’m going to assume they’re fae-like shapeshifters who can take on other appearances at will, and are hated by the humans.

This brings me onto something I thought of when I was reading this: how does one pronounce seiðr? As someone who’s vaguely familiar with Scandinavian languages such as Norwegian and Icelandic I suspect something rather like “say-thir” with a soft th, but I’m not totally sure. Is this based off some kind of Norse mythology? Just wondering.

a tsunami crashes against the rocks


This is just my opinion, but maybe “giant wave” would be better? It’s just that tsunami is a Japanese word, and it feels a little odd considering this isn’t set in Japan, the modern era, or (I’m assuming) this world.

“That they’d twiddle their thumbs and do nothing? Che.”


What does che mean? Is it a noise of disdain? If so, perhaps it would be better if you said, “That they’d twiddle their thumbs and do nothing?” and then add something like, “she said with a sound of disdain”.

Other than that, I really enjoyed reading this and I liked the relationship between Heron and Hawk – they seem to know each other well, and I like Hawk’s no-nonsense attitude. She seems to me to be a pretty strong character. Hopefully this review was of some help to you, however slight, and feel free to let me know if you ever need anything else reviewed! :D




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Sun Sep 06, 2015 10:30 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



Hello there!

I don't have suggestions to offer for improvement today, but it's just as useful to know what you're doing well, in my opinion, so here I am anyway.

First of all, I want to let you know that I did not read part one of this chapter, yet I didn't feel completely lost. Which is actually pretty amazing, considering the main reason most of us avoid non-first chapters of novels we're not following is that we have no idea what's going on if we come in at the middle.

Obviously I don't know precisely what Heron did or why he did it, but at least I know enough to be getting on with right now: that he performed some sort of magic that upset the street he was on. Without any overexplaining on your part, I know that magic is looked upon as unnatural and the use of it illegal. I can tell that Hawk and Heron go way back and are good friends. I have a decent feel for both of their characters.

I mention all this because I think it can be incredibly difficult to get across what you want to about a fantasy world without overexplaining everything. Many writers feel a need to stop periodically and tell the readers exactly how their world works. Or perhaps they overcorrect and instead don't tell us enough, so we're left totally confused.

You struck the right balance between giving readers enough to go on without bogging down the story with too much detail. This is the best example:

“Everyone’s heard. They’re crying for blood because-“ Hawk changes pitch, continuing in a mocking tone. “-an Abomination used magic on normal, upstanding citizens.” A soft, derisive snort. “Nice going Heron.”


This is great. What usually happens in something like, "Heron! Magic is illegal. You know that." The sort of thing where writers think they're not [i]really[i/] telling, because it's part of character dialogue. But character dialogue prefaced by "don't you remember" or followed by "you know that" is often just the writer using the characters to tell the readers something. And instead you do this, where Hawk simply mimics the words used by anti-magic people--similar to something people often do in real life--simultaneously letting us know that magic is looked upon as a freakish thing, that people without it are considered "normal," and what Hawk's attitude is toward the whole idea. Really well done.

Your style is also easy to read and kept my interest. There are spots where it could use a trim, which I'll give you some examples of momentarily, but overall it was good. It made for a quick read, and the use of sentence fragments helped set the tone of the story at this point.

A couple examples of spots that could be trimmed and suggestions for trimming them:

She looks at him in askance, as if mentally evaluating his sanity.


"Askance" needs no helper word, so "in" is unnecessary and reads oddly. "Mentally" is also unnecessary, as Hawk is obviously doing this "mentally" because she doesn't say anything about it aloud.

Heron stops abruptly, halting in mid-stride.


This is redundant; if Heron halts in mid-stride, he is stopping abruptly and vice-versa. So you could leave it either "Heron stops abruptly" or "Heron halts in mid-stride." I suggest the second, as the verb "halts" is stronger than "stops" and also takes away the need for an adverb like "abruptly."

Obviously this sort of thing comes later--last, even, in the editing and proofing stages of revision--but I wanted to bring it to your attention so you'll have an idea of where to start cutting when you get that far.

A final note: I also liked your descriptions of Heron actually feeling his magic inside him, how using it is like freedom, a release, and then just the way he feels it when calling it to his aid.

BlueAfrica





"Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"
— Albus Dumbledore