I could hardly contain my anger as I sat in my own boundary of loneliness. I felt like my mind was spinning, and that I was slowly becoming insane. My face was a deep red, with all of the crying that I have been doing in the past few hours I was surprised that I hadn't ran out of tears. I slowly made my way back over to the laptop, and refreshed my page. Seeing if I had any more insults from social media. Luckily my page has been rather bare the past few days. Nothing to make me feel even more hurt by. I walked over to my closet and pulled out my gray beanie. My hair had been chopped of by my anger so bad, that I could hardly even look at it. It was like looking at my failure and deceit. My own personal vendetta against my newfound life. My hands shook as I placed the gray fabric on top of my head, trying not to look at the stringy mess that now was my hair. I covered up all of my hair, so that none of it was visible. Soon, slowly opening my door, I heard slight chatter downstairs. It almost sounded like a conversation that was on the edge of turning into a major argument. I could hear Mom's soft groans as her and Dad continued to fuss.
I stayed as quiet as I could. Trying not to disrupt them while I made my way down the stairs. My feet shuffled as I tried to focus my hearing on the conversation at hand, nearly tripping over my feet from so much concentration. I could feel the tension that was cutting them apart, drifting throughout the house. The essence a stingy feel, making my hands begin to bead with even more sweat. As I took my foot off of the last step, I heard even more violent conversations erupting from the living room. I walked closer and closer to the sound, making sure to tiptoe around the house as ominously as I could. My parents barely noticed any slight creaks, coming from any loose floorboards that I stepped on.
When I got to the entryway of the living room, I began to hide myself; but something distracted me. Something about seeing my parents like that, made my eyes grow itchy with tears. They were fighting over hospital bills, and taxes. I even heard a slight murmur about how Dad had lost his job.
"What?" I said out loud, barely even recognizing the fact that I had just let my parents know that I had heard everything. My face grew red with embarrassment as they each began to crane their necks to see me. Their daughter, the girl who's sick, and now can't seem to let anyone in this house have any sense of privacy. A tear fell down their cheek as they opened their mouths to speak, each still had their voice tone set on anger. My face felt hot as Dad snapped at me, obviously still very mad about him and Mom's prior conversation.
"What are you doing, I thought that you were in your room?!" He asked, his voice red hot, burning my feelings more than anything. "Don’t you know that it's rude to walk into someone else's conversation young lady? Or has the cancer made you think differently?!" I couldn’t believe what I had just heard Dad say. He had never scolded me so crudely, ever before. Not even when I snuck out of the house to hang out with my friends, sixth grade year.
"Thomas, do not speak to her that way!"
"Why not Katherine?! It's her fault that we even wound up in this mess in the first place!" His face began to turn red, tears began dripping down my cheeks. Dad took a deep breath in, placing his hands on his hips.
"Trina, I'm sorry, it's just that I'm a little frustrated right now" Dad said, as he looked up at me with an apologetic attitude.
"It's okay Dad, I'm sure that-"
"No, it's not okay Thomas!" Mom intervened, before I even had the chance to finish my sentence. "You scolded our own daughter, you lost your job, and you have been yelling at me for the past half an hour! This time I won't ignore the fact that you are a waste of space in my house-"
"Your house?! I thought that we were in it together, but I guess that that's not the only thing that you've lied about, I'm not the only culprit in this-"
"GET OUT!" Mom said, her words nearly shook the whole house.
"I said get out! You can pick up your things later, I'm done with your excuses!"
Dad slowly began to pull on his shoes, he lowered his eyes, trying not to make eye contact with Mom or me. More tears fell down my cheeks as I tried to calm myself. I could barely hold my own weight, as I swayed back and forth with sadness. I didn’t know what to think as Mom yelled at Dad. Telling him that he was a deadbeat, and that she wished she had never met him. I squeezed my fists even more, the beanie feeling like it was squeezing my skull. How could they talk to each other like this? When I grew up they barely ever fought, why do they feel as though they have to start now?
Dad finished tying his shoelaces, and quickly brushed on his brown, leather, coat. He began reaching for the car keys when I intervened, trying to stop what I couldn’t believe was happening.
"Stop." I said under my breath, my parents not yet noticing. "Stop!" I yelled, my voice shaky and uneasy from all of the crying that had clogged my throat. My palms grew sweaty as they both turned to look at my tear stricken face. "Don’t let Dad leave," I said in between sobs, my hair looking like less of a dilemma. "Please-"
"Honey, it's probably all for the best. Look, I promise you that it won't be forever. I'll come back, Daddy just needs a little break, okay sweetie?"
"Dad! I'm not a little girl anymore! I don’t need you to sugar coat the situation. Are you really planning on coming back?!" He looked at me, dodging my gaze, "Answer me!" He sighed, not even mumblibling. "Well, I guess I got my answer. I'll see you later,…..Thomas." He looked shocked as I had said his first name instead of calling him Dad. I knew that it was wrong, but lately I just didn’t seem to care about anything. More tears fell down my cheeks, I turned to Mom. "Mom, if it's okay with you, I-I'm gonna go for a walk around the block okay?"
Mom nodded, patting my back. I went out the front door, taking my hoodie with me. Dad looked at me as I left, his eyes followed me, but his body didn’t dare move. He didn’t even chase after me, he just stood there. Soon I watched as he walked out to his car, not a care in the world. Did he even care that he was leaving his family behind, or did money mean too much to him? I shoved my hands in my pockets, and began walking down the sidewalk. Soon I saw Dad's car zooming past me; he didn’t even wave goodbye to me or anything, he just pretended as if I didn’t even exist.
I scoffed, my brain still surprised that Dad could be so cold hearted. My life was just going downhill, no longer giving me anymore gifts. Instead I was forever stuck in this road, going only way, down under.
I sat on my couch hour after hour, just staring at a picture of my father. I remembered the time when Mom took this picture. We were on vacation in Florida. We had so much fun, Dad and I always going on roller coasters that Mom refused to go on. I laughed. Dad was always so happy with just spending time with his family. And now, we can't take anymore family vacations, it just feels so wrong without him. I placed my hand on the glass, the object that was preventing me from touching his face in the picture. I took a deep breath in as I began to put the picture away, now the memory just felt like acid, acid that was tearing my heart apart. My tears, burned down my face as I let the memory grasp my emotion. I wiped my cheeks dry, trying to wipe away the uncleanliness of the pain, the hurt, and most of all the heartache.
Soon my wallowing in self pity was cut short as I heard a knock on my front door. The sound was clear and coherent as it sliced through my wall of silence. I wiped away the tears even more.
"It's open!" I yelled, my throat feeling raw.
The loud knocking continued, making me more mad. I got up from my couch and began walking over to the door, even though I could tell red smudges still stained my face. I grabbed the silver handle and quickly opened up the door, not really caring.
"I said 'it's open'." When I opened up the door I was astonished. "Trina. What are you doing here?" I asked, glad that she finally came to visit me.
"May I come in?" She asked, her face as tear stricken as mine. I looked at her hair, the short and messy cut made her black hair now look like a rag. The beanie covered up some of the mess, but barely. Her hands shook, and she looked like she hadn't been out of her house in days. Her shoulders were slumped, and her hoodie was barely hugging her body. She looked as though she just let go, like she didn’t even care anymore. I motioned for her to come in, soon closing the door.
"What happened to you?" I asked, the words escaping my lips faster than expected.
She shook her head. "I want to be mad at you." She said, beginning to sob. "I want to be mad at the world, for doing this to me. For making my family fall apart. But I just-" her sobs grew louder.
"Trina, what are you-"
"How could you?!" She said, now staring deeply into my own depressed soul. "How could you tell everyone at school about my, my accident? About when I fell?"
"I-I didn’t tell them anything! I was just surprised as you must've been! Look, I got suspended from school because I beat up a guy over you!" After I said those words she stopped in her tracks.
"Look. Charlie I'm sorry. It's just that it's been a rough couple of days."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean that I have cancer. And I don’t know what to do. I have to go in for chemo next week and,-I don’t think that I can live like this. I'm terrified. My parents, they won't stop fighting. I'm afraid they're going to get divorced. I-" she shook her head. "I don’t know why my life is falling apart." I pulled her into a hug, her tears soon wetting the shoulder of my shirt. I wanted to hold onto her forever.
"It's gonna be okay. I'm here now. I'll never leave you." The crying continued. Soon I joined in, my own tears beginning to wet her shirt. But we didn’t care. We were both hurting, and in that moment, we just needed to let go. To let go and be sad.
I didn’t want this to happen to her, but fate obviously has other plans.