Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

" I cannot recall the incident but I remember my mother and my sister.... the pain was agonizing " Ezekiel told the Undead patrolman who had him captured in the Emperor's dungeon. Days were growing darker in the beginning and the sun was exhausted Ezekiel was only dependent on one thing his instincts because as the night falls the undead rose on the command of Adon " The master of the dead" to patrol the ruins of earth to fend off against any rebellion movement. He could already hear the howls and it was not the bloodhounds of the emperor these were the souls of the commoners who suffered in this war between Adon and Earth. He is done with his daily rounds in the wastelands in search of food and supplies necessary for survival there was not much to be found so he settled on a can of beans and some firearms which were used by mother earth's protectors he comes back to his hideout which is scavenged and his stocked up firearms were gone it was clear that the rebels have been here because there is not much available right now that they can use in their defense against Adon "those Damn Rebels why the Hell do they have to take my Stuff" even though he had nothing against the rebels but this is the last time that he is going to let them slip away from this. Many friends were lost in the beginning and there is no one to depend on this world other than himself. Ezekiel has his eyes on an isolated church "it can be sanctuary for me for a little while so that I can re-stock and those Thieves are not going to take my hard work away this time I'll make sure of it". The clashes between the rebellion and the emperor's forces continue on a daily basis and they usually end up in Adon scourging up another Rebel post these usually last for a few days depending on what the rebels have up their sleeves. Bombs are dropping and there is Gunfire it is a distant noise but he can hear it and he'll wait till it's over so that he can loot the bodies of the fallen soldiers there is no dignity in this but it has to be done. This is Apocalypse.

This story seems to have potential. The only problem about it is the many grammar mistakes that are in it:
" I cannot recall the incident but I remember my mother and my sister... the pain was agonizing" to "I cannot recall the incident, but I remember my mother and my sister. The pain was agonizing," Ezekiel told the undead patrolman who had him captured in the Emperor's dungeon.
"-and the sun was exhaused Ezekiel was only dependent on one thing his instincts" to "-and the sun was exhausted. Ezekiel was only dependent on one thing: his insticts". I think you should put a period here, even though it will then start the next sentence with "because". I think it will flow better, though.
"-Adon 'master of the dead'" to "-Adon, the master of the dead".
"-to patrol the ruins of earth to fend off against any rebellion movement" to "-to patrol the ruins of Earth, and to fend off against any rebellion movement".
"-He could already hear the howls and it was not the bloodhounds of the emperor these were the souls of the commoners who suffered in this war between Adon and Earth. He is done with his daily rounds in the wastelands in search of food and supplies necessary for survival there was not much to be found so he settled on a can of beans and some firearms which were used by mother earth's protectors he comes back to his hideout which is scavenged and his stocked up firearms were gone it was clear that the rebels have been here because there is not much available right now that they can use in their defense against Adon "those Damn Rebels why the Hell do they have to take my Stuff" even though he had nothing against the rebels but this is the last time that he is going to let them slip away from this"
to
"He could already hear the howls and it was not the bloodhounds of the emperor. These were the souls of the commoners who suffered in this war between Adon and Earth. He is done with his daily rounds in the wastelands in search of food and supplies that are necessary for survival. There was not much to be found, so he settled on a can of beans and some firearms, which were used by Mother Earth's protecters. He comes back to his hideout, which is scavenged. His stocked up firearms were gone. It was clear that the rebels had been there because there was not much available right then that they could use in their defense against Adon.
[press enter for dialogue]
"Those damn rebels; why the hell do they have to take my stuff?" Even though he had nothing against the rebels, this was the last time he was going to let them slip away from this."
" Many friends were lost in the beginning and there is no one to depend on this world other than himself. Ezekiel has his eyes on an isolated church "it can be sanctuary for me for a little while so that I can re-stock and those Thieves are not going to take my hard work away this time I'll make sure of it". The clashes between the rebellion and the emperor's forces continue on a daily basis and they usually end up in Adon scourging up another Rebel post these usually last for a few days depending on what the rebels have up their sleeves. Bombs are dropping and there is Gunfire it is a distant noise but he can hear it and he'll wait till it's over so that he can loot the bodies of the fallen soldiers there is no dignity in this but it has to be done. This is Apocalypse."
to
"Many friends were lost in the beginning, and there was no one to depend on in this world other than himself. Ezekiel had his eyes on an isolated church.
[enter for dialogue]
"It can by sanctuary for me for a little while so that I can restock. And those thieves are not going to take [italics: my] hard work away this time. I'll make sure of it," [add words: he said to himself].
The clashes between the rebellion and the emperor's forces continued on a daily basis and they usually ended up in Adon, scourging up yet another rebel post. These usually lasted for a few days depending on what the rebels had up their sleeves. Bombs would drop and there wold be gunfire. It was a distant noise, but he could hear it, and he'd wait until it was over so that he could loot the bodies of the fallen soldiers. there is not dignity in this, but it has to be done. This is the Apocalypse."

This story has amazing vocabulary; if there was use of commas and proper capitalization, it'd be an amazing idea. Hope this helped.

Hi there!

So, I like the idea you have here. You seem to counter this 'apocalypse' type thing but the plan you set out seems a bit cliche. Even in the beginning it seems to have that feel that the MC has had some problems with his past and is trying to get over it. A cliche, in my opinion, is an idea being used over and over again. If you decide to approach something like that, then make into something your mind can hold onto to. Make some ribbons and tie knots in them- don't follow everyone else's rules. You create your own worlds with your own rules.

Another thing I like to suggest is writing more. A common novel chapter is 1,000 words or more- it seems you only have 390 words. I want to know more about what is going to happen. Leave off at one big scene and write it in the next chapter (or part) that way the reader will want to read the next part, it'll grab them by the collar of their shirt and literally drag them to the next chapter. That's the fun thing about hooks- they can be the first path into reading a novel. Your beginning seems to just tell the reader about his past. I want to know why is he in the cage? Did he do something bad? Before writing out anything, plan ahead.
Create a backstory for your character and provide it to the reader. Their imagination can go so far but you can provide boundaries. When writing dialogue, give the character some spice. Give the reader something to munch on when they read the character's line- have the voice inside their head. For all we know, they can sound like some old man trying to get a dog's attention. Or a school girl with a lisp. The possibilities are endless. Speaking of dialogue, I learned from writing speaking parts is to have their own lines that way it can be easier to read for the reader and not to lose their place.

Since this is such a short piece, I would suggest breaking it apart. Like a rock. Take the beginning, slice it away from the other chunk and repeat with the others. It can be an eyesore for some people (like myself). Much like dialogue bit, have some description. We don't know what the main character or characters look like. This only seems to tell of the setting and the main overlook of the novel. If you add some description, the reader's thought process will literally go off like a racehorse. They actually eat up what you are writing.
There seems to be some sentences that'll look wonderful together, but are split apart like my parents. Anyway. When writing a sentence, think in your head: what contains the action and which part contains the effect? For example:

Bombs are dropping and there is Gunfire it is a distant noise but he can hear it and he'll wait till it's over so that he can loot the bodies of the fallen soldiers there is no dignity in this but it has to be done.

Edited Version:

Bombs are dropping and there is Gunfire[color=red].[color]it is a distant noise but he can hear it and he'll wait till it's over so that he can loot the bodies of the fallen soldiers. there is no dignity in this but it has to be done.

Ezekiel has his eyes on an isolated church "it can be sanctuary for me for a little while so that I can re-stock and those Thieves are not going to take my hard work away this time I'll make sure of it".