The Life, Love, and Adventure of Veronica Riddle [Deleted]

Deleted for being an absolutely terrible piece of work that I wrote as an eighth grader/high school freshmen.

Comments & reviews · 7
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Rocklobster
Review

WONDERFUL. This isn't like all the other HP fanfiction, because you've created a completely new character, and I think that's fantastic. Please please please write more! I was on the edge of my seat by the end, it was such a cliffhanger! If there was anything wrong with it, I didn't notice because it was such a fabulous idea and continuation of the Harry Potter series.

User avatar
LadySpark
Review

Hi! Here to review!!!!

9 and ¾.

#FF0000 ">Should be nine and three-quarters

I wonder who she is… Lily thought to herself

#FF0000 ">It should be in italics

“Hey, Pandora,” Seth said to her, slightly leaning over Scorpius to see her.

“Hi!” she said quickly. “So, Scorpius,” she swiftly went off to start a conversation with him. “What was going on before I got here?”

#FF0000 ">
I notice you are kind of creating a pattern of the original HP. Pandora/Pansy in love with Scorpius/Draco? Really?
They should have made their OWN friendship patterns.


Minutes passed and only imminent silence filled it. “Hmm,” the Sorting Hat hummed again. “You have some dark family history, no doubt. Dark—sinister family history.”




#FF0000 ">technically, the sorting hat isn't talking to everyone. Only her.

Like I said, I think its a tad to... predictable. I knew what was going to happen before it did. You don't want the reader to feel that way. So, try to throw some curveballs. PLEASE. I'm just a tad bored. Good start though.


~Drama

User avatar
Kiwisatsuma
Review

Hi! :)

I really like the way premise of this, and bringing in a descendant of Voldemort to be a student of Hogwarts is a great idea for Harry Potter fanfic. And I love how you're setting it up with Scorpio and his friends as the rival type kids. Still, I do think there are a few things you could change.

To me it felt like the first scene with everyone at the station was a bit unnecessary. It seemed like you were trying to fit in all the next-gen characters into one short scene. We recognize all of them, so to be honest I think readers would assume that whole gang was going to be included, so long as you mentioned a couple of them.This is just my personal opinion of course, but I think it might be better if you introduced the characters more gradually, instead of cramming them all in a few short paragraphs.

I do think Veronica has the potential to be a really awesome character, but still, you should take care that she doesn't turn into a Mary Sue. Having unusual coloured eyes and hair, being really pretty, dressing differently from everyone else in the school, being put in Griffindor even - these are all things that could add up to her becoming one of those characters who's perfect and everyone wants to get to know, who's more unique and brilliant than anyone else at Hogwarts. The thing is, it's much more interesting to read about someone who you can see as a real person, who has flaws and who you can empathise with.

Like I say, I think Veronica seems like a character who has the potential to be pretty awesome, but all the same I think you should take care in future chapters to avoid making her into someone who's unrealistically perfect.

I hope you post more of this, because I'd definitely like to read on. :D PM me if you have any questions or anything! :)

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AsanteVilicia Comment

pointe2mikko wrote:nice! if you continue this, let me know!


I will be continuing it.

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pointe2mikko Comment

nice! if you continue this, let me know!

User avatar
Eniarrol
Review

Okay, I really liked this story and the plot of it all. I would really like to hear more from this novel.
Now nerdy nit-picks, first Voldermort didn't have any children that I am aware of but as it is it is Fan-Fiction so creative licence I guess.
Also it can be a bit confusing at the start unless you have read/watched Harry Potter.
This is very good would love to hear more from this. :D



We're all stories in the end.
— 11th Doctor