Skyler sat on her throne, preached on top of a very large elephant as a pride of people swarmed around her as
she made her way to the kingdom of Hidden in the Clouds. There her Mother and Father, the king and queen,
waited for her arrival.She stared at her home in awe as memorize of her as a little kid flashed around in her
head. It's been six years since she's been home. She was forced to leave to train in Marshall arts and the way of
the ninja the day after her tenth birthday, and now she retunes exactly the after her sixteenth, "I wonder if they
recognize me?" she whispered to tiny black and white fox, Dell who gave a small mip in agreement.
A horn let out one long blow, as she got off the elephant and made her way to the huge double doors in-front
of her. Skyler glanced down at Dell and smiled, "This is it." She took hold of the door handles and pushed them
open. The harvey door gave in and opened, letting them pass into the hallway.
The walls were painted a nice shade of blood red trimmed in gold all along the halls, as Skyler made her way
to throne room. A large gold door was the only thing standing between her and her family now. So many
thoughts ran thorough her mind such as what if they don't remember me, or are they mad for me not keeping in
touch over the years? that kinda of stuff. She whipped the sweat off her plums and opened the door.
"Sissy! shouted Sora, her now eight year-old brother, running up and hugging her tightly.
"Hello." she giggled picking him up and kissing him on the forehead, "My you've grown since the last time I saw
you," See noted, glancing around the room, "But where's Mom and Dad?" she asked.
Suddenly, as if right on queue, the door opened once more reviling a beautiful women with Skyler gold/blond
hair and violet eyes, "Skyler?" she asked, a little shocked to see her own daughter standing before after so many
years. Skyler walked up to her mother's open arms, almost in tears,"Mom I've missed you so much.
"And what about me?" asked a rough but kind voice. The young princess let go of her mother and faced her
Father's pudgy body, "Hi Dad." She greeted, giving him a huge bear hug as tears free-fell from her cheeks.
Sora tugged at her pant leg, "Sissy tell me about your avengers in the forest with Master Ying."
"Ok, but after I take a bath and dinner." She said exiting the throne room. She walked down the hall and
upstairs to her room. It was just the she left it. The same purple and blue walls and king size bed, which was
dressed to match the walls. The only thing that was different were the new clothes in her closet. She grabbed a
pare of Pj's and went to her personnel bath room to take a nice long bubble bath.
After her bath, Skyler went back down stairs and to the dinning room, were the rest of the family was
waiting. As they ate she told them stories about the years in the woods.
Finally after they were done eating and skyler finished her stories telling they all whet to bed.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Ok, I kind of stink at reviews but I'll give it a shot.
It's a long sentence and needs either some coma's or to be broken up. The name "Hidden in the Clouds" is a bit awkward as well.
I think you meant memories, and, just to make it flow more smoothly, I would change "little kid flashed around in her head" to "small child, flickered in her mind", your choice.
I would change the tense on your story. Instead of I would change it to "It'd been six years since she'd been home." I would change the rest of the story to the same tense, it's more enjoyable to read.
Returns is spelled wrong. I would put Birthday after sixteenth and then a period.
Did you mean heavy?
So many thoughts ran thorough her mind, such as what if they don't remember me? Or are they mad for me not keeping in touch over the years? That kind of stuff.
with Skyler's golden-blond hair
daughter standing before her after so many years
The coma should be a period.
adventures
which were
Did you mean a pair?
personal
Skyler should be capitalized, whet should be went.
Ok, sorry to pick on you so much
~Dakota