Ok, I kind of stink at reviews but I'll give it a shot.
Skyler sat on her throne, preached (should be perched) on top of a very large elephant (,) as a pride of people swarmed around her [remove underline] as she made her way to the kingdom of Hidden in the Clouds.
It's a long sentence and needs either some coma's or to be broken up. The name "Hidden in the Clouds" is a bit awkward as well.
She stared at her home in awe as memorize of her as a little kid flashed around in her head.
I think you meant memories, and, just to make it flow more smoothly, I would change "little kid flashed around in her head" to "small child, flickered in her mind", your choice.
I would change the tense on your story. Instead of
I would change it to "It'd been six years since she'd been home." I would change the rest of the story to the same tense, it's more enjoyable to read.It's been six years since she's been home.
and now she retunes exactly the after her sixteenth,
Returns is spelled wrong. I would put Birthday after sixteenth and then a period.
The harvey door gave in
Did you mean heavy?
So many thoughts ran thorough her mind such as what if they don't remember me, or are they mad for me not keeping in touch over the years? that kinda of stuff.
So many thoughts ran thorough her mind, such as what if they don't remember me? Or are they mad for me not keeping in touch over the years? That kind of stuff.
with Skyler gold/blond hair
with Skyler's golden-blond hair
daughter standing before after so many years
daughter standing before her after so many years
in tears,
The coma should be a period.
your avengers in the f
adventures
which was dressed
which were
a pare
Did you mean a pair?
personnel
personal
skyler finished her stories telling they all whet to bed.
Skyler should be capitalized, whet should be went.
Ok, sorry to pick on you so much Anyways, you have the start of a story, definitely. The end needs some work if it is to be a short story. If this is simply a chapter or prologue leave us on more of a cliff hanger. Not much happens, you know, to keep the reader enthralled with baited breath? My suggestion would to move on and keep writing. The more you write, the better you understand it.
~Dakota
Points: 2973
Reviews: 102
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