Kelly was addicted to things she thought wouldn’t harm,
This is until she engraved things in her arm,
She would take these things to get away from life,
Her brothers manic teasing or her mums pain and strife,
The wrong crowd might have been her source,
Which was probably her cause for remorse,
She thought she okay with her substitute for pain,
But these things helped pain to gain,
Her insides began to wear away,
Slowly she began to pay.
When she came to her senses, it might have been too late,
She went to a counselling session with her best mate,
She sat there and stood up slowly and said her name,
‘Kelly Ryan, I’m glad I came,’
‘I’m a drug abuser and recently anorexic too,’
‘I have no clue what to do,’
‘I have one friend she’s sitting right here,’
Very slowly she shed a tear,
They say I’m to die, if I don’t sort myself out,’
‘Is that what my life’s all about?’
‘My old mates all have jobs, lives, careers,’
‘While I’m trying to control my fears,’
She was referred to a psychologist that very same day,
Who would help her get on her feet so she might be okay,
A year later, she’s getting back to her old self,
Slowly but surely recharging her health,
Her friend, councellor, others too,
All managed to help her through,
She’s on prescribed medicine only now,
She keeps looking back and thinking ‘how?’
She put her body through such wear and tear,
Like she never used to care.
Although she wants to help people like the old her,
Her body will never like it first were,
At least them people can learn from her mistakes,
To save themselves, for their sakes.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,025 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
I liked it! on' be so preachy- but this was an amazing poem. I love your style and keep writing!
look i know that wasnt the best poem.
i had already highlighted that i wrote that a while ago.
thankyou for replying, althought i dont know why you bothered.
*yawns and rolls over onto her back with a kitty like mrow* Ok...go with the flow, ride with the tide, the rhyming seems forced when you you force the rest of the poem! Just...I couldn't read all of it, trying to wrap my brain around the jumping of the words just...gave me a headache. I need asprin... The rhyming is all right, not forced in its own right, but with the way the words just kind of flumped out there it put the rhyms in strange places that changed them and made them seem plucked from a thesaurus. You know what I mean, you wnat a specifi meaning so you wrestle Roget into your embrace and search for a word that means basically the same thing that rhyms only to latter learn that you used it wrong and it made you sound stupid...that's what I get from this, Roget rot.
‘Kelly Ryan, I’m glad I came,’
‘I’m a drug abuser and recently anorexic too,’
‘I have no clue what to do,’
‘I have one friend she’s sitting right here,’
Very slowly she shed a tear,
They say I’m to die, if I don’t sort myself out,’
‘Is that what my life’s all about?’
‘My old mates all have jobs, lives, careers,’
‘While I’m trying to control my fears,’
This part was sort annoying and reminded me of this book I checked out from the library called "Alice, I Think" of which I was thinking about burning even though it wasn't mine. Perhaps you should try taking out the dialog all the way. I read it without it, and it didn't seem as though anything was missing. Also, take out the 'Kelly' at the beginning. Sounds like some lame cable informerical coming on at midnight,lol. So yeah. Take those two things out and it should be better.
My suggestion- pretend this is happening to you. How would you feel? I mean, a lot of kids are afraid to present their problems to a counselor or something, and she just walked right up. And she's so open about it! You really need to delve deeper for this one, become that person. Like Incandescence said, we see this all over the place. Because of that, you need to strive to make it original.
Sorry guys, but I'm with Incandescence on this. Been there, done that, its all been plastered over the TV screen several billion times...we dont want to hear it again! Frankly, this kind of poem makes me squirm...it seems so false somehow. Not to mention 'preachy' - as has been said before. I will concede that you at least have the rhyming down, but there is no rhythm to speak of, the syntax is sloppy and the subject matter leaves a lot to be desired. I have issues with this kind of thing, though, so maybe I'm not the most unbiased critic in the world, but I'd like to see you try something real.
good topic in my opinion, but try not to take on such a "preaching" tone (someone else said that too) and maybe make it a little bit shorter. It was good, but it didn't flow. Good job on the rhyming!!
i no its long but if u can could u read my story in the others category?
i no the flow isnt too good i will work on it
Yep, I think it was pretty good now that I look back, although you might want to change the format a bit, it doesn't flow well. Don't get disencouraged and stop writing poetry, this was really good!
thanks
Well, I actually liked that poem. Come on, Incandescence, its not THAT bad. I liked it, the flow was pretty bad, but the rhyming was great. I think you should go over it and change a few things.
hi!!!
thanks for readin i no what u mean i wrote that over a year ago.. last grade.
could you read my storie please if u can and help me with improvements?
Blegh. This was absolutely horrific. Don't be preachy with your poetry. I get enough "Regret: The Anti-Drug" everytime I turn on the radio or watch the TV. This should have been in Narrative, too, by the way. I don't think there's much left to say. Go back to the drafting board and write something about you.